Momeng!

Word association: adjustments

2012-01-23T20:19:00.000+08:00

Less alcohol, more caffeine. Less eating, more exercising. Less sleeping in, more rising early. Less coasting, more awareness. Less consumption, more creation.

Less diffidence, more initiative. Less settling, more thoroughness. Less introspection, more expression. Less idleness, more action.

Less moping, more walking. Less regret, more excitement. Less worrying, more doing.

Less cowering, more dancing.

Hello, 2012.

2012-01-01T23:30:00.000+08:00

I should’ve met you on my feet and started the new year with some forward motion, any motion, however small. I should’ve cleaned up my room, my computer, and gone through the items remaining on my before-I-go-back-to-SG list. I should’ve hunkered down, shut myself in my room, and sat down to have a nice long thorough think.

Well. Instead, I gave in to a thoroughly lazy, improvement-free Sunday filled with food, naps, Fire Emblem: Shadow Dragon, Gilmore Girls, and more food. The night is drawing to a close and it’s only now that my guilty conscience rears its head, waggles a finger, tut-tuts.

So, here we are, here I am. Which is where, exactly? Well. It’s the first day of the year and I’ve shut myself in my room and just lazed about, leading to this horrible guilty first night of the year. Maybe it’s delayed onset holiday depression, but I’m feeling rather lonely and especially unsure of myself and what I’m doing with my life.

For instance, I’ve been back home for a month, yet I haven’t really done much with my time. Worked (admittedly, this did take up most of my time and energy), went out a couple of times with the few friends I have remaining, treated my nieces to fast food and ice cream and the like a few times, and of course performed the requisite Christmas season pigging out. I feel like I haven’t made the most of my time here.

In particular, I believe what’s really bugging me is that, despite all historical evidence, I had been hoping that I would somehow automagically emerge wiser, more in charge, surer of myself, and happier at the other end of this little trip. Talk about high, unrealistic expectations, right? Yet even though I do realize that, it still is a major bummer that, instead, I’m still here where I’ve always been and where, it seems, I’m fated to stay.

Maybe I’m looking at things all wrong and all I really need to do is to make peace with my stupid, unempathetic, waffly, oblivious, useless, depressive, physically, morally, and mentally flabby self. (Or maybe I’m just once again resorting to the tired self-deprecation trick in lieu of coming to actual useful conclusions.)

Well, I suppose I’ll allow myself to stay in this mood for a while longer. Calmer reflection has convinced me (somewhat, or maybe I’m just getting sleepy and tiring of this fruitless line of thought) that this is a normal feeling that should pass soon enough. Feeling unsure and sad about one’s life doesn’t indicate that everything’s wrong and is headed for ruin, and in fact, it doesn’t necessarily indicate that anything at all is wrong.

I’m not saying that I don’t think there’s room for improvement in my life, because there is perhaps a couple of warehouses’ worth of room, but that, I guess, it’s counterproductive and stupid to let vague little doubts grow into vague large doubts.

I can and will do better this year. A little too undefined for a mantra, perhaps, but it’s at least an optimistic start. Here’s to us, 2012. Hajimemashite, douzo yoroshiku onegaishimasu.

Short but happy

2011-12-29T23:00:00.002+08:00

Splurged on a Fiio E7 DAC/headphone amp and a Grado adaptor to replace my dinky cheap one (which did last me a year), and am currently in the process of ooh-ing and aah-ing over the increased detail, crispness, differentiation, resolution, dynamism, insert-some-other-audiophile-term-I'm-not-really-worthy-of-casting-about of music I thought I already knew. How much of this is attributable to a placebo effect, I wouldn't really know. Merry Consumermas!

We've also released! Such a relief. Of course now the onslaught of bugs, but that's still preferable to antsy anticipation. Bring it on!

Home stretch

2011-12-26T20:21:00.004+08:00

The all-too-brief holiday weekend is over and it’s time to kick off another workweek. I didn’t really want to go back to work just yet (it was perhaps a horrible idea to decide to try to get into Oblivion again when I know I won’t really have time to play and in any case will be leaving the country and my gaming desktop behind in a week or so).

I should cheer myself up with some happy music, some happy thoughts. As ever though, it’s quite a struggle against my natural melancholy inclinations (I suppose that makes it sound less pathetic than it actually is), and the composition of my music library isn’t helping at all. (That seems like a worthwhile New Year project: liven up and diversify my music!)

I think it’s partly barely having had any vacation time or time off this whole month I’ve been home, and partly that this interlude is ending soon and I’ll be heading back to Singapore to live and work there once more. I can’t say that the prospect isn’t exciting -- getting my time to myself again, being in the First World, having a room to myself, not having to commute -- but at the same time I suppose I’m beginning to realize that there are a lot of things about being back home that I’ll miss: home-cooked food, being around the family (despite the persistent distance), being around the few friends I have left in the country, the places and people I bump into on my daily routine here, and the basic familiarity of the language, the culture, how everything looks and sounds and feels.

At the same time, I also feel as if I wasted this opportunity to reconsider and re-evaluate the course of my life. In a week or two I’ll once again be swept out of the country and back into the life I’ve been leading for the past year. This more-than-a-month-long sojourn should’ve provided me with some time to get much-needed perspective and finally do the thinking I feel I’ve been putting off for too long, but, well, it hasn’t seemed to yet.

Just a general update.

2011-12-20T20:09:00.002+08:00

So, it's been a pretty crazy December so far, and I can't really believe that it's about to be over soon. I've been back in the country for almost three weeks now, yet I haven't really been doing much apart from getting buried in work.

It's been gratifying, sure, but the constant pressure and stress isn't doing any wonders for my already precarious mental well-being. Okay, being overly dramatic aside, I haven't really been able to settle down and have a good long think about all the things I've been meaning to have a good long think about.

My routine has mostly been: wake up when I wake up (usually just a few hours before lunch time), go out to have coffee and read or listen to music somewhere, then take a cab to work. Work until late (staying and sleeping over if necessary, though now there isn't an extra room to crash in so I've actually only done this once), then go home and turn off my brain and relax until I fall asleep. Rinse and repeat.

I notice that I've been rather free with my money since I got back. Not to a crazy extent, I don't think, but when I stop to think about it I do feel small pangs of guilt. (But I get over it.)

I don't feel entitled to go on for much longer about my own petty problems in the light of the recent flashflooding disaster in Cagayan de Oro and Iligan. This is going to accomplish nothing, not even assuage my throbbing conscience (I have one?), but here's a pretty useful list of ways to donate and help out: http://www.nowpinoy.com/typhoon-sendong-how-to-help/

(A more socially-minded and knowledgeable person would take this opportunity to talk about the environmental issues that caused the flooding, and perhaps suggest ways to improve the state of our disaster prevention, warning, and relief infrastructure. Just saying.)

Alright, regardless of the fact that this is my blog and I can write anything I want, I think I shall still resist segueing into another round of bootless introspection and personal woe-tallying. Life goes on.

Back in the Philippines

2011-12-07T08:01:00.000+08:00

So, I've been back in the motherland for almost a week now, and I still haven't gotten into a good routine. I'm not used to having to factor in commute time when considering things such as what time to wake up and what time to start working (not to mention the experience of commuting and taking public transportation here again).

Haven't even visited all the old haunts yet - have yet to hang out at UP. Did spend a delicious, lazy, gluttonous weekend in Bulacan for a thanksgiving-type fiesta last weekend (lechon! kakanin! utter idleness!).

Haven't met up with anybody yet. I am friendless and aloof. Or just lazy.

Glad to finally have woken up early today, at least, though it was really a fluke more than anything intentional. Maybe today's the day I can start a productive routine again. (Or I could take this morning time and spend it finishing Snow Crash in UP, the weather seems nice and cool...)

Presents

2011-12-01T08:50:00.000+08:00

I've never been the gift-giving type. I never know what to give people, and even though I sometimes get the urge to do so, I hesitate because it seems like it would somehow be unfair if I started giving gifts only selectively, but then it seems overwhelming to have to think of giving gifts even just to my very small circle of family, friends, and acquaintances.

Perhaps I'm just too prematurely self-conscious about it, fearing that recipients wouldn't like whatever I get them, and that this would just make them hate or pity me all the more (if they don't already thoroughly loathe me, but then again, I suppose I really wouldn't be giving gifts to those people now, would I?).

It's December, and Christmas is just around the corner, and I'm not yet sure if I'm getting anyone anything. On the other hand, maybe I can guilt myself into finally getting over my stupid fear by thinking of all that I've received over the years, and how now it's time to give back. Hmm, no, not working.

Keng Wah Sung

2011-11-29T21:25:00.000+08:00

One of the things I miss the most about being home is having a room to myself, a private space where I can be alone whenever I want to be. Which, as it happens, is usually most of the time. I'm an introvert through and through.

Here at the SG office I share a room with two officemates and while I have no complaints about this arrangement (the room is more than big enough for the three of us, what with a relatively spacious loft, and there's even an extra bed up there), it does mean that I have no such sanctuary. My desk does feel private enough, and there is some sense of ownership and belonging there, but at the same time, it feels

I found this private space in Keng Wah Sung, a nearby mom-and-pop cafe (kopitiam, I believe, in the local parlance). Along with strong black coffee (kopi o kosong, no milk, no sugar), kaya butter toast, and soft-boiled eggs. No wonder I quickly became a regular.

There's something innately comforting about seeing the same people everyday, even if you don't really talk or interact, even if your lives remain mostly disjoint, or touch only superficially. I go there, I buy coffee and read or write. Sometimes at night I would change my beverage to one or two bottles of Tiger, and sometimes I'd also buy some sticks of satay from the people who set up nearby (only in the evenings). If they didn't close on Sundays, I'd probably be there at least once every damn day!

Needless to say, I'm going to miss that place when we finally move out of this unit that's much too big for us. I could always come visit on weekends, but it won't be the same, I won't have the luxury of just stumbling there from the house, still unwashed and bleary. Ah, well, I don't know whether I should just be happy that, at least so far, I haven't yet been able to really settle in and call this place home (I know, I'm slow, it's been almost a year!). The move, though it's still going to be a big hassle probably, will at least not be as uprooting as it could've been. (Then again, this is a tiny country...)

This whole telling people about myself business...

2011-11-28T23:56:00.000+08:00

...still sits more than a little uncomfortably with me. This is in no way just an excuse for laziness and mis-scheduling on my part, such that now I have no time to work on an actual entry for today. Not entirely, anyway. (I have less than an hour to come up with something.)

As a child and as I was growing up, I barely had any friends. Now, as you might imagine, this did tend to make me rather sad at times, and even up to now when my mind alights on the subject it can get pretty melancholy. I don't think it's surprising at all for a shy, withdrawn, chubby kid to keep to himself, and at times feel horribly maladjusted and unfit for society.

I kept this all to myself as I simply sat inside my own head, firm in the conviction that even if I had someone to tell, they wouldn't really understand, anyway. Perhaps at first I drew some little consolation in this perceived unfathomableness, but soon enough I grew to think that it was my own damn fault for being somehow defective, somehow not quite as suited as the average person to the average life by

You've heard this story before, I'm sure. I found solace in the solitary pleasures of reading (and for stretches in high school and during college, of trying to write and keep up a blog), and never got close to anyone even though a part of me must have always kept yearning for this so-called friendship so thought highly of by normal society, i.e., the people who actually had it.

Now I'm a little older, a little more experienced, and I wouldn't be so quick to label myself friendless. Even if I do still feel a little socially and emotionally stunted, clueless and clumsy (oh boy, the things my clumsiness have led me into and out of, but those are stories for another time), and not at home in the world of men, more and more I'm beginning to (finally) convince myself that this isn't a hopeless state of affairs: I'm young, the world is big, and I have time yet to grow into the life I want to be living.

Keeping on keeping on

2011-11-27T23:58:00.000+08:00

Finally got myself back on the treadmill this afternoon, after many weeks of inactivity. Who needs nicotine when endorphins are more readily available, and, even better, free? (Sigh, I wish I could say that with as much conviction as it deserves. I don't think my future looks too good, since we'll be flying back home soon, to that magical land of cheap booze and cigarettes, oh, and friends to enjoy them with, right, that's important too.)

While I was actually in the moment of exerting myself and trying to pull just a little more energy to run just a little bit further, it hit me: isn't this just what it takes to get anywhere in life, and to develop any skill or aspect of oneself? Yes, yes, to be sure, I was tired and endorphin-addled and much too proud of myself for breaking a sweat, but even now, calmer and cooled down, I think there's a lot of truth to that realization.

A truth, mind you, that isn't always as convincing as it is when it manifests itself in such a straightforward manner and in a simple situation. Keep running, gradually increase your pace or duration or distance, and you'll grow better at it. Simple, no two ways about it. (Well, maybe I do simplify a bit too much, since there is of course the problem of hydration and the dangers of overtraining and possible injury, but the fundamental concept is still one of progressive improvement, right? And that improvement can be measured quite precisely and unquestionably.)

Unfortunately with most other things there are many orders of magnitude more factors to consider, and it isn't always easy to see through all the perceived obstacles and reasons for hesitation to the fact that's still there, behind everything. Just keep on keeping on (hopefully of course learning and enjoying yourself as you go).

Singapore, Singapore.

2011-11-26T22:01:00.000+08:00

It's really quite strange to think that I've been on this (arguably) First World island for nearly a year now. I've probably grown to take many things for granted, such as the first-rate public transportation system and public infrastructure in general, the almost total absence of crime and the attendant city-dweller fear, and, to get much closer to home, the blazing fast connection to the Internet at the office¹.

The train and bus system here is a real marvel, especially in comparison with the Philippines' own paltry, overcrowded efforts. Combined with an impressive dedication to pedestrian-friendliness and accessibility, I feel as if I could get anywhere I wanted on the island cheaply, safely, and without any hassle. At times it feels almost like the open world of a sandbox game, where you could simply head off and walk in any direction and be sure you could eventually arrive anywhere within your field of view.

But enough one-sided gushing, I'm beginning to feel too much like the Third-World refugee that I am. My intended point was just that, hey, I've been here for a while in this place that encourages wandering around and going to places, and I haven't really stretched my legs that much. Sure, I've walked a couple of times from here to the Orchard Road area and back², and sure, I've walked the Southern Trails, been to Bukit Timah Nature Reserve and the Botanic Gardens, but I don't feel as if I've really come close to the heart³ of this place.

What I mean to say, I suppose, is that I don't feel like I've been making the most of all the opportunities available to me here. Malaysia's just a bus ride away, yet I've never gone there and have only the vaguest intentions to do so. I don't have a curfew to worry about, and I'm free to spend my time however I want⁴.

I think it's long past time I started really exploring this place⁵, and living experiences to tell stories about. (And, no, the visits on weekends to the same cafes⁶ and restaurants don't really count.)

---

[1] Not to mention decent access to it almost everywhere else on my phone.
[2] Two hours or so each way. Not the most scenic route, as it's city street after city street, but the feeling of being able to take such a long walk is worth it.
[3] OK, this isn't the place to argue about whether there even is a "heart" to this place that can be found. I know too little about the local culture and can only rely on vague impressions and secondhand hearsay. But it does seem, on that scant evidence, that there is a valid concern as to the existence of a uniquely Singaporean heritage apart from the admittedly-impressive if boring one of order-from-chaos and First-World-from-Third.
[4] Only to an extent of course, I am after all gainfully employed and can't just hare about whenever I want.
[5] On a related note, it's also long past time that I started settling in and just maybe making more of a home in this place, but that deserves to be talked about in its own venue.) I'm young, unattached, and have ample resources to enjoy my life and mold it to what I want it to be.
[6] Oriole Cafe does really have excellent coffee, though!

This is harder than I thought

2011-11-26T11:59:00.000+08:00

...or I've just grown to have higher expectations of myself and what constitutes blog-worthy material. I gamely jumped back into doing this regularly again, and while I don't regret that in the least, I have to admit that I thought I'd be coming up with better posts in much less time that I've been taking with these recent ones.

Perhaps it's just that spending much more than an hour or two of effort on blog posts seems like such an alien concept to me. Isn't a blog a place to be entirely self-indulgent and not care about what readers (if any) would think?

No, I don't think so. At least I don't want this blog to be such a place again.

And finally he gets to the obligatory quarterlifing

2011-11-25T12:33:00.001+08:00

Although, really, it hasn't been quite as bad lately, due to greater excitement (read: stress, but closer to eustress than distress, most days, anyway) at work. After all, who would have time to worry about such vague fluffy things like a sneaking sense of directionlessness, or a lack of perceived agency, or the feeling that the past twenty-three years of existence haven't - on the balance - amounted to much, or, in short perhaps, a fear of just "not getting" something terribly important (and terribly obvious to everyone else), when (whew) there are much more clear-cut concerns to deal with, like bug reports and deadlines and task lists?

Still, well, ahem, I guess I would have to admit here that I would. I would always have time to worry, it's just the way I'm wired, and the way I've comported myself for most of my life, though it never really showed to people who never got to know me. To most, I was and am just that quiet harmless dude with a reputation for being smart and aloof, and some have even called me carefree, oy, little do they know.

Don't worry though, gentle reader, I'm not about to launch into that practiced, desperate roll call of everything that, over the years, I've determined to be wrong with myself and my life. We've had just about enough of that over my blogging lifetime, haven't we, and now it's time to grow up and move on. Instead of dwelling on the negatives and on feelings of helplessness and doom, why not look forward and ponder solutions?

I once believed with all my heart and mind (such as they were and are) that enlightenment would eventually come if I just continued mentally chewing the cud. The act itself also held a strange, masochistic allure, or maybe it just became more comfortable to worry about the same things over and over than to actually act and do something about them. I didn't think I knew what to do, I couldn't get out of the cycle of thinking, and so I bemoaned many ruts and periods of depression. (Clinical sufferers may scoff at my use of the term; I've never had myself diagnosed, but I can say those times were no walks in parks.)

Bit by bit I think I'm making progress. Right now, I do still feel as if I have no idea whatsoever what I want to or should do with my life, but it hasn't got me quite as down, and I feel as if I've also grown much less tolerant of stupid wallowing in that years-fermenting muck of useless self-recrimination. I'm grateful to be where I am now, despite still not being able to shake the feeling that it's all just been a series of lucky stumbles. I mean, if I've just been lucky so far, I should be in for even better times now that I'm beginning to actually pay attention, right?

Making lists helps, and writing thoughts and hypotheses down, anything to concretize the vagueness and thus make it manageable, even for instance this little exercise of acknowledgment and making light. Maybe it's a false sense of accomplishment that such items arouse, but at the same time it can't be denied that doing anything is better than doing nothing. (Well, in most cases, and if you keep from doing stupid things.) Move, make mistakes if you must, but just keep moving.

I promise, if I ever figure anything out, I'll tell you all about it. (Or did that come off more like a threat of more stories from a boring uncle?)

Storytelling

2011-11-24T13:54:00.001+08:00

Confession time: I'm a terrible storyteller, lacking in both experience at the telling and experience to tell of. On the rare occasions I'm called upon to do so, it's usually to people close enough to me that they don't need much explaining, and don't mind the artless back and forth before I finish or get to the point, either.

The difference between the story in my head and the story as I am able to get it out into the world is simply too big. It helps to select a receptive, similarly-tuned audience who can fill in many of the gaps themselves, but that feels too much like cheating, and besides, I can only impose on friends' patiences so much, and even they would appreciate better-wrought anecdotes.

Of course, that doesn't preclude me from appreciating a well-told tale (and in fact, admiration can easily turn into envy and frustration, as every would-be writer knows all too well). The most recently encountered example for me would be Gemmell's Troy trilogy¹, which strikes me as a more earnest and straightforward relative of the A Song of Ice and Fire series².

(Digression: the compellingness (for lack of a better term) of a narrative seems to lie along its own axis, quite orthogonal from its literariness or originality or even overall likability, giving rise to so many guilty pleasures.)

There's nothing to be done except to continue reading and writing and perhaps begin telling more stories about myself. While I do have the introvert's aversion to even remotely approach oversharing it's up to me to develop the skill to be able to artfully mask my own self-absorption, or at least make it seem less blatant and offensive, isn't it?

The hope is to get the snowball in motion (says the guy who's never seen snow in his life), and then to just roll with it as it gathers material and momentum and turns eventually into a natural phenomenon I never knew I had in me to make real.

[1] A retelling of the fall of Troy in an ancient Greece where the warriors are doughty, the heroes magnificently mortal, and the gods exist only in men's minds.

[2] Are we friends? Have you not heard of or read this series? Consider this a firm recommendation to do so. Though technically an epic or high fantasy series, it has more of a historical, medieval atmosphere to it, and the focus is more on the characters struggling variously for power, love, or just to survive, rather than an overarching good versus evil confrontation (although that exists as well). Each book in the series is a hefty doorstop, but you'll find yourself blowing through them in no time and joining the rest of us in the impatient wait for the next.

On television series.

2011-11-24T02:30:00.001+08:00

It’s been a while since I last let myself be drawn into a television series. I never really developed the TV watching habit, probably due to never having had cable in my room. In fact, I believe I only had a TV in my room for a short period before it was reclaimed by my parents for their own room. Our internet connection wasn’t the fastest, either, and I never had the patience to either stream or download shows.Here in SG our television gets even less use. It’s too close to the office area, and the sound would be too distracting for the others at work. I don’t usually find much to watch even when I give it a chance and turn it on, some weekends. We don’t have Food Network available which would usually be a reliable channel-surfing choice, and I never seem to chance upon good movies or documentaries being shown, either.In any case, I really just wanted to talk about enjoying watching Gilmore Girls. There, with that statement I announce my gayness to the world. (Well, to the rest of the world that doesn’t already know it. Some people have most likely already suspected as much.)I can’t help it, Rory’s too cute, her mom’s such a little kid (though more than a little pleasing to look at, and man, isn’t that conjunction just unfortunate), and there’s something almost hypnotic about the fast talk peppered with pop culture references, half of which (okay, maybe more than half of which) just flies right over my head. The cheerful quirky small-town vibe is also undeniably attractive. So, I think, despite it on the surface being a mother-daughter drama series (he says defensively), there’s more to it, okay, and I’m not just being an effeminate stereotype.And, of course, just the usual perverse, voyeuristic, escapist pleasure of it all, of for a while inhabiting a world that’s infinitely more eventful and, ultimately, more perfect than the one filled with all of our mundane worries. On the flipside, when the episode or season or series ends, a terrible feeling of inadequacy almost always gets to me as I return to my own rather pedestrian, disappointing life.But I don’t want to end on such a depressing note. Fiction does have the capacity to uplift and inspire instead of simply proffering hollow, temporary escape. As with everything else, it’s all in how one chooses to look at it. Though unfortunately I seem to naturally tend towards melancholy, I believe I can grow out of that indulgence. There are many more episodes of the show and in my life remaining to be experienced. Eventually perhaps I’ll learn my lesson.

Typical workday at 25A

2011-11-22T21:37:00.001+08:00

I open my eyes. It’s already light outside, but the blinds do a pretty good job of keeping our room dark enough for sleep. My back begins its usual waking-up complaints, but they barely register anymore and are usually taken care of by a few glorious twisting stretches. I slide the blanket off my body, take a deep breath, close my eyes for a moment, and, resisting the mighty “just a few more minutes” urge, get up and out of my single bed.

I walk out the bedroom door, through our small, narrow kitchen, past the dining table, and on to my desk at the far end of the office area. I either make myself a cup of coffee or have our office assistant (I’m not sure what her actual job title is, but she takes care of all the ancillary household and office chores) do it, if she happens to already be in the kitchen anyway. I open a notebook and write for about forty-five minutes to nearly an hour, filling up my six allotted morning pages.

By the end of the session, I’ll usually be feeling more than a little guilty about not checking on and catching up with work yet, but I’ll still hold out for around thirty minutes of checking my own personal news feeds and other online sources, letting the caffeine circulate and wake me up fully. (Here’s a part of my daily routine that could use tightening.)

The office and our entire unit in general is a very quiet place, which is just how we like it. All day long it’s just the low hum of the airconditioning, people typing and clicking, and, sometimes but more often lately, work-related conversation. The television in the living room slash guest room behind me is rarely turned on, even in the weekends, and I can’t even remember the last time anyone touched the Xbox! We don’t often have visitors, and when we do, they’re usually here just to crash on the couch, and are out touristing or taking care of business in the day.

In the afternoon after finishing a few pieces of work, I usually find myself in need of a short break to refresh myself for some more hours of work in the evening. So I’d take my Kindle out to the nearby kopitiam for some coffee (kopi o kosong - black, no sugar), toast, and sometimes two soft-boiled eggs and an hour or so of leisure reading. Most of the people there have little English, but being a regular (he says with a weird sort of pride), I’ve picked up their accents, they’ve probably picked up mine, and we understand each other well enough.

Then it’s back to my desk with (ideally) renewed energy to knock off some more to-do items and build or fix more parts of the Insync client. Productivity usually comes in bursts that sometimes (have to) continue on until late in the night. That’s one thing that’s awesome about working from home -- no need to worry about pesky things like it getting too late to commute back home easily. (Although I suspect it’d still be quite easy to get home here, even late at night, but I digress.)

The day ends whenever I run out of energy and find myself needing to get some sleep. Sometimes I take a second break and have tea or coffee (or occasionally a beer or two and peanuts or satay) at the kopitiam, unwinding a bit before going to bed. I close my eyes, and the cycle repeats in eight hours or so.

***

This has been my routine for the past few weeks, and as far as daily routines go, it’s not a bad one, although there is one glaring omission that’s been bugging me to no end: gym time. Perhaps a month or two previously, I would usually make sure to take about an hour and a half off in the afternoon to work out, either spending about an hour on the treadmill or elliptical while listening to a Pimsleur Japanese lesson, or doing a mixed dumbbell-machine routine with ChannelNews Asia in the background.

(Apart from exercise, I also intend to add an afternoon writing session for working on essays, blog entries like this one, among other creative-writerly items. Thirty minutes or so should be enough, if I prepare materials and draft ideas sufficiently beforehand.)

Just to even begin.

2011-11-18T14:59:00.001+08:00

I find myself in a rare thoughtful mood, sparked by listening to St. Vincent on a cigarette break just now. Perhaps this is still an after-effect of last night’s long-overdue personal time; I’m beginning to feel as if I’m filling myself out properly again, bit by bit regaining comfort in being inside my own skin, in being in this situation and living this life.

“Marry Me” begins to play, and I’m suddenly walking down that familiar Cubao street, on the way to the MRT station from where the jeepney lets me off. I’ve nothing on my mind but a commuter’s quotidian worries and what to do with the rest of my evening upon getting home. My much-too-bulky bag that I stubbornly still haven’t gotten around to replacing bounces familiarly against my hip with every brisk stride. I briefly consider dropping by the 7-11 on the way home for a couple cans of beer, a pack of spicy cracker nuts, a bag of chips. Then the song ends and I’m at home. I shrug off my bag, take off and put away my shoes, head into the kitchen for the obligatory drink of water, go upstairs to my room and change.

Here the vision ends and I’m back in Singapore, sitting with my legs up on my chair, listening to the rest of the album and enjoying a slight buzz from the strong black coffee I bought from the nearby cafe on the way back from my break. Stretching my fingers and facility of description, trying not to let my disappointment get too much in the way. The important thing is to keep moving, keep practicing. In fact, just to even begin.

Touch

2011-04-16T14:52:00.001+08:00

I

Your fingers might have sought
mine but they didn’t
quite make it, couldn’t bear
to traverse the distance between
barely knowing each other’s names
and knowing all too well the unease
of slipping through hair
without getting entangled.

II

Let things unfold, and don’t complain
too much. Be still and listen
to the breathing of this heart,
sitting next to this other one.
You say, enfold; do not contain.

III

I remember nothing
I haven’t already forgotten
at least in part:
Your hand taking my hand,
slipping away.

Posted via email from miscellaneous momeng

Unstable equilibria

2011-04-13T13:10:00.001+08:00

Not for us the languid falling
into place of pieces
that have lain comfortably
in wait, no, not for us
the rolling down a gentle hill.

No, the pendulum will not slow
or stop for us, nor the wheel
lie quietly on its side.

No, the waves will not cease
grinding our beaches into sand
or washing away
our footprints, our castles.

But no, though the bridge will sway
and not stay still, and though
the drop beneath will only deepen,
not for us the torpid sinking
into the oblivious river.

No, our feet will stop
only for that nervous peak,
that brush of lips and fingers
before a gasp and a misstep
send us hurtling back
to once more start again.

Posted via email from momeng's posterous

On Haruki Murakami

2010-12-12T14:24:00.001+08:00

Hello, let me tell you how I fell in love with the work of Haruki Murakami.

Well, you see, Haruki Murakami is this Japanese writer, translator,
erstwhile jazz bar owner, and long-distance runner. I could go on to
tell you that his novels have been translated into more than forty
languages, or that he was given the controversial 2009 Jerusalem Prize
on top of many other awards. But none of that would tell you why I
have become obsessed with his work.

It wouldn’t help you understand why I have never before or since felt
so keenly the desire to read everything someone else has written.

Inside Someone Else's Head

In most of his novels and stories Murakami puts us inside the head of
a pensive, solitary guy with a knack for peculiar observations,
strangely apt figures of speech, and attracting metaphysical trouble.
I first met him in Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World,
where he proceeded to win me over with a thorough, humorous
consideration of elevators, of all things.

Now, I like to think of myself as a pensive, solitary guy with a knack
for peculiar observations, so perhaps it was inevitable for me to form
a strong, even wishful, identification with this protagonist. This
willing immersion is helped immensely by Murakami's deft story-telling
and unmistakable ear for rhythm.

I am an introvert, and so spend a lot of time – some would say too
much time – inside my head. I have to tell you, it was a wonderful,
pleasant surprise to find out that I am just as comfortable nestled
inside this fictional head as I am inside mine!

Largely passive, this main character often finds himself listening to
the stories of other people, proving himself an intelligent,
sympathetic listener, seeming to naturally ask the right questions at
the right time. All that time spent listening to his own thoughts, I
suppose, must have attuned him to the rhythms of narrative and
thought, even those not his own.

Music and the Rhythm

Rhythm is just as important in writing and storytelling as it is in
music. I know, from unfortunate experience, how even the funniest joke
or most interesting anecdote can fall flat if told without regard for
properly timed delivery. This quality of being “in rhythm”, while
being difficult to describe, is unmistakable. And Murakami, an avowed
lover of music having run a jazz bar for some years, has unmistakably
got it.

Murakami’s language is deceptively simple, avoiding complicated
sentence structures and scholarly diction in favor of being frank and
straightforward. He works his pared-down language skillfully; the
ceaseless interior monologue of his protagonist feels natural and
uncontrived. Once meeting his main character had hooked me, getting me
to stay was no problem at all. I didn’t even want to leave.

Reading him is in fact like listening to a favorite record:
engrossing, familiar, rewarding. It matters little whether he is
describing the most mundane of activities or discussing loss – of
life, love, innocence, or any one of those essential things curled up
inside us.

Escape and Exploration

Murakami’s protagonists more often than not live lives that seem just
as pared-down and inevitable as his language.

They lead isolated existences, with barely any contact with or
attachment to society. Reserved and self-sufficient, they touch other
people’s lives only incidentally, or more relevantly, by accident.
They remain inside their own heads, either lost in contemplation or
fully absorbed in the current moment.

For an introvert like me, not much seems to be more satisfying than
living alone, cooking and doing housework for myself, spending my time
reading, downing the occasional beer, and, of course, thinking. It is
much too easy for me to fantasize about leaving everything behind and
living such a peaceful, carefree life.

However, everything is not always as it seems, and I eventually get a
nagging, gradually strengthening feeling that something isn’t quite
right. In the external narrative, strange events and people filter
through and widen the cracks. Then, I experience, along with the
protagonist, a certain internal current, an ominous movement in the
darkness.

And thus I come to recognize that, if I want to escape into Murakami’s
world, I must also be prepared to explore the mysterious darknesses
within myself. The characters I meet in Murakami’s world are troubled
souls, carrying burdens deep within themselves. Just like me and you.

Haruki Murakami and me, and you

As I near the end of this, my communication with you, I begin to feel
with greater intensity the desire to do right by Haruki Murakami. He
has, through his writing, managed to reach out and touch my mind, to
share a part of himself with me in a deep, significant way.

I can only hope that some small echo of my experience has come
through. As our brief acquaintance ends, I hope that you will listen
closely for a soft, resonant note sounding within yourself, and pay
attention.

In Murakami’s world, as perhaps in our own, the music that grows from
such tiny beginnings may very well transport us to places we never
thought we’d be.

Posted via email from momeng's posterous

Memory

2010-09-29T23:41:00.001+08:00

The aquamarine- or turquoise-colored rock that,
as a child, you picked up and pocketed and kept
tucked away: no longer there. You can check;
your fingers will encounter nothing
except the nothing you don’t expect.

Not the nothing-special bit of brick you chipped
off the old broken-down wall back home, or
that accepted-offering shard of sea glass,
or even any of the indistinct pebbles that did
or did not sometimes wake sleeping windows.

Posted via email from momeng's posterous

Order

2010-09-28T23:02:00.002+08:00

Remember that night on that beach when you leaned closer to me and
whispered, I can draw perfect circles (but only in the sand)
and then you stood to enclose my lying body in just a one?
I was delighted. I always took you at your word, remember?

Me, I was your other shaky hand. From what remains
of my memory, I can only draw a crooked but unbroken
series of accidents: a motel-room conception, an ugly-duckling adolescence
(but at least I was smart), meeting you in university,

growing up and apart and me powerless against the drift and the pull
into an endless succession of lovers and jobs, one after the other bringing me
inevitably here. Sometimes you would send me letters, remember,
in your meticulous handwriting all about your meticulous exploits

in your rarefied, ivory-tower air, and if you didn't know I loved every bit of it,
even though I was lucky to understand every other word. Many times I tried
to write you back, but the husband or the kids or the boss or the dog, well,
I was sure you didn't want to hear about it. So you never did.

But on this bright night with its perfect-circle moon, I'm in a looking-back mood.
I remember your coffee smell, and the slight trembling of your arms when
you would tell me about the latest tiny bit of order you've found and brought
into the world.

Posted via email from momeng's posterous

Testing Posterous

2010-07-08T15:07:00.001+08:00

Hey, this post-by-email-to-everywhere thing seems pretty cool. (If a little risky.)

Posted via email from momeng's posterous

This feels really weird.

2010-06-21T07:13:00.000+08:00

Hello, social networks I used to frequent, how have you been? This is a cross-posting test.

A life regimen?

2010-02-22T18:23:00.003+08:00

The workout regimen has been progressing nicely, and I've been getting encouraging comments from people saying that I'm losing weight pretty well.

Jumping rope is beginning to become a habit, something I look forward to and enjoy doing regularly; I've recently managed to beat the 200-consecutive-squat challenge, and am now working on getting strong enough to do one-legged squats; The situp and pushup programs are moving along slowly.

I'd have to agree that I need to develop my arms, though. Losing fat from my limbs is slowly exposing my underdeveloped muscles. For that weightlifting would have to be the next thing to incorporate into my workout regimen.

I should take heart from these developments, and realize that, hey, changing things is as simple as starting to do new things and sticking to them!

In that spirit, in the next few days, I'm going to seriously try to identify several more habits that will gradually improve myself in all the other ways that matter to me. A tentative list: critical thinking, expressing opinions articulately, writerly craftsmanship, programming/ software development, one-to-many/one-to-one social interaction, general organization, time management... Oh wow, I guess I could go on and on, I'm going to need to narrow these down into the most important ones, first.

Ponyo on the Cliff by the Sea

2010-02-14T16:02:00.005+08:00

A modern take on the Little Mermaid tale, told through the eyes of five-year-olds.

It's a simple story (perhaps too simple for some), which nonetheless unfolds with Miyazaki's trademark charm and lovely, hand-drawn animation. The opening scene, in particular, was joyous, a celebration of the color and diversity of (marine) life.

And so the story continues, with our hero Sosuke meeting the baby-faced and wholly adorable Ponyo as a fish. Triggered by a taste of his blood from a cut on his thumb, and Sosuke's attentive care, Ponyo unwittingly unleashes powerful magics in her quest to become human like her beloved. The ocean rises, Devonian sea creatures come back to life, and ruin threatens the planet... but of course pure-hearted love overcomes all.

All in all, not a bad way to spend a Sunday afternoon!

Manhattan (1979)

2010-02-12T21:48:00.004+08:00

My favorite Allen film yet.

Shot in beautiful widescreen black and white, the visuals are simply excellent. I don't have the technical terms or knowhow to describe it. I'll just say that I found the cinematography consistently excellent, with some truly outstanding scenes (Isaac and Mary at the planetarium springs immediately to mind). Combined with the (to my ears) somewhat old-fashioned score, a very dreamy Manhattan is evoked as a backdrop and medium for these people struggling with their relationships.

Woody Allen plays Isaac, the nervous, vaguely immature, relentlessly articulate, twice-divorced lead, and is paired this time with stunning, 17-year-old Tracy (played by a subtle, fragile Mariel Hemingway) who is too precocious for her own good. Three more characters complete the main cast, Yale, Isaac's friend who professes to being happily married to and in love with Emily, but is having an affair with Mary, another beautiful woman too intelligent (cerebral, in fact) for her own good. Meryl Streep plays Isaac's now-homosexual ex-wife who writes a book about their separation.

Character development and interaction in this movie is wonderful and very convincing. These are flawed characters (though Tracy's only flaw might be her youth) who don't quite know how to, or don't have the emotional courage to deal with their relationships. The relationship between Tracy and Isaac, in particular, was pulled off without any big hitches, despite how awkward it might sound in concept (I mean, a 42-year-old and a 17-year-old? Come on!). It helped, of course, that the actors gave good performances.

The dialogue, of course, was pitch-perfect, as was the pacing (of the shifts between romance and comedy, for example). I feel envious and almost inadequate, seeing these bright, clever people interacting with one another! For all their intelligence, though, they still make mistakes in love, like the rest of us.

Annie Hall (1977)

2010-02-12T09:38:00.003+08:00

Loved it from start to finish. I had some idea what it was going to be like, just from cultural osmosis, but, yeah, it was great. Woody Allen's neurotic yet likable onscreen persona is an entertaining narrator, as perhaps he only should be, since he is a comedian in the film as well as in real life.

Like the narrator, the film itself is nervous, clever. The fourth wall is broken so smoothly that you don't have the time to complain. In a flashback, children speak as their adult selves. An animated Woody Allen speaks with the evil queen from Snow White. Strangers on the street suddenly have something relevant to say. This isn't to give the impression that there was any more than a light seasoning of surreality in the film, though. The focus is still on the dialogue.

The dialogue was smart, fast-paced, and felt real, if a little too clever to be believed. Good thing, too, since the movie basically consists of people talking: about or to themselves, with others, to the camera. Long takes allow for long, involved conversations filled with literary and pop culture references.

(I'm greatly enjoying getting into Woody Allen's work. Looking forward to watching more great movies of his.)

The Pleasures of Philosophy (Will Durant)

2010-02-11T20:57:00.005+08:00

"This book is an attempt at a consistent philosophy of life. It tries... to make [the problems of philosophy] intelligible by transparent speech, and to vitalize them by contemporary application."

Of course, it has been many decades since this book has been contemporary - The Mansions of Philosophy, of which this book is a revised edition, came out in 1929. Nevertheless, his clear, enthusiastic prose, peppered with unexpected humor, earned enough of my goodwill to offset his occasional sentimentality or dated, short-sighted viewpoint.

He conceives of philosophy as the noble attempt to transmute ever-increasing knowledge into wisdom. He believed that (to paraphrase) philosophy without science is blind, while science without philosophy is barbarism. I think this is very true, and becoming a generalist (as opposed to a specialist) is something worthwhile to aspire for. Attaining real understanding through a total perspective is a goal in its own, and would also make further action and change much easier and more sensible.

The section on the Philosophy of History contained Durant's musings on creating a composite history: a cross-section of the timeline, as it were, instead of the usual longitudinal narratives. I enjoyed this exposition of his philosophy of history especially because I'd already begun (listening to) his Story of Civilization. This holistic view, of course, is a logical extension of his synthetic conception of philosophy.

I think I am attracted to this sort of synthetic, pluralistic endeavor because I personally enjoy learning about diverse subjects. Durant (conveniently for me) articulates a convincing rationale for this tendency of mine. Of course, of course, I doubt he is talking about amateur dilettantism. But at least he's giving me something to shoot for.

Perhaps, like they say about a liberal education, I should strive to know everything about something, but also something about everything.

Interiors (1978)

2010-02-11T16:20:00.002+08:00

Interiors appears to be something of the odd one out among Woody Allen's films - it's a very spare, very bleak psychological drama ala Bergman. Incidentally, also the first Allen film I've ever seen.

Lots of still, lingering shots in muted greys and beiges and browns, making for a somber atmosphere. It's also shot fairly tight (not sure if that's the right term), with the characters feeling isolated, as in a play. The emphasis on dialogue and the playing out of the relationships between various characters only serves to reinforce the theatrical feel of the movie.

Wonderful performance by Geraldine Page as the artistic, unstable mother. I could really sense the tensions, the neuroses she was trying so mightily to keep under control.

One of the characters, Renata, is a successful poet, while another, her sister Joey, is a frustrated searcher for meaningful occupation. I found these two characters to be the most interesting ones in the film. I admire and envy Renata for her creative success, her ability to perceive and put things into the right words. On the other hand, I'm afraid of turning out like Joey - that person everyone thought was a great kid with a lot of potential, but, well, look at her now...

Renata:

"Do I really care if a handful of my poems are read after I'm gone? Is that supposed to be some sort of compensation? I used to think it was,but now, for some reason... I can't seem to shake the real implication of dying."

Joey:

"I feel a real need to express something but I don't know what it is I want to express or how to express it."

Today in lists

2010-02-09T20:49:00.008+08:00

The Good:

Lots of jasmine tea
Cake and coffee for brunch
Jumping rope
Managing to do 110 consecutive squats
The continuing realization that regular exercise and portion control are slowly having their effect
Listening to new music (Alexi Murdoch, 500 Days of Summer OST, and similar)
Reading Durant (Pleasures of Philosophy)

The Bad:

Unproductivity (couldn't even get self to play Dragon Age for long)
Too many naps
Continued lack of purpose
Lack of employment-related news
The gnawing worry that I'm wasting my time

Random Thoughts:

I want to be able to intelligently and articulately comment on and respond to the things I enjoy and appreciate: writing, music, art, ideas.

I perceive myself as incompetent, more often than not, despite what anyone else might say. I hope this isn't a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm trying to be more positive, to look forward, and all that. I want to convince myself of my own competence at the things I care about: thinking, writing, creating.

I want to have real friends. Or, more accurately, I want to be able to be a real friend. To open up and connect in a genuine way.

I was going to write something more coherent - nah, I wasn't, too lazy. But I will, in the near future! Cross my confused little heart.

Will get there, eventually.

2010-02-05T20:57:00.004+08:00

I think I like exercising earlier in the day better. I was forced to do so today because some people came over for lunch - a relative of ours from Bulacan is leaving for Guam, and her family's accompanying her to the airport tonight.

It's always festive when people come over: the noise, the better-and-more-than-usual food, the mere presence of enough people to fill the house somewhat. There were a lot of kids earlier, livening up the atmosphere even more. Of course, I was mostly in my room, fiddling with CSS.

I had forgotten about CSS browser hell, how unintuitively different browsers might interpret a particular set of CSS rules. Read up on CSS standards, best practices, and so on. CSS can get complicated quickly, so I thought I'd get a good grounding in the fundamentals before just diving in.

I did work on a website today (cribbed the material from here). The results were passable, I suppose, for someone who hasn't been doing this in a while. I'm still not too comfortable regarding structuring HTML and organizing my CSS, but that should come in time.

I thought I'd be able to work on Javascript today, but fiddling with layouts and such is too much fun!

Today's little things.

2010-02-04T22:02:00.003+08:00

I watched Sam Mendes' Away We Go today, and found it to be a funny, smart, feel-good film. Currently... acquiring a copy of 500 Days of Summer. Yeah, I didn't think I'd find myself watching rom-com-dramas, either. Go figure.

Also began teaching myself HTML, CSS, and Javascript today. I'm already fairly comfortable with HTML and CSS, having tinkered with blog layouts and the like in the past. Javascript and dynamic pages is something new to me, though, so I'm gonna have to work on that. Eventually I hope to also learn PHP and SQL, for the complete web development package.

Always too much time.

2010-02-03T21:33:00.001+08:00

Rock still in stream, no - pebble bobbing along. While sky colors above. While slowly riverbanks crumble or grow. Still, flowing. Maybe mote of dust in cloud, in raindrop, in snowflake. Maybe glacial boulder. Maybe concrete block upon concrete block. Still, poised to fall back into earth. No escape for pieces of earth, always too much time for weariness.

An overdue progress report.

2010-02-02T22:47:00.003+08:00

So, not much to report, truth be told.

The Azeus application process finished for me last Thursday, and now I only have to wait for the result. Within two weeks, they say.

The exercise train is chugging along again. I should move my exercise time to the mornings, though, to minimize the chances of laziness and other preoccupations getting in the way.

Lately I've been on a fiction binge. Escapism, tsk. Getting back into science fiction and fantasy, it seems like ages since I've seriously touched the stuff.

Throwing my whimpering productive self - another figment of the imagination - a bone, I've also been reading Stein on Writing, and Structure and Interpretation of Computer Programs. Heh.

Oh, and I've begun my nth attempt at Gravity's Rainbow. I know, I know. Good luck.

After several hours of being awake

2010-01-22T11:13:00.003+08:00

Things seem still. Melancholy, exacerbated by Murakami overdose.

But what is there to do. Games have lost their attraction. I don't think reading books or listening to music would, and thankfully they haven't. Yet. Forget about doing something productive. Much more of this and I don't know what could happen.

I should get out of the house, take a walk. Make myself feel closer to the world.

Transcribing someone else's stream of consciousness

2010-01-21T15:40:00.001+08:00

I signed up for this Skype transcription gig some time back. Never really got into it - the time and effort, especially for fast speakers or bad quality audio, hardly seemed the low rate. Still, the potential was there for the audio to be interesting, and then I could think of the pay as just a bonus for having spent some time listening to an interesting conversation.

Recently I found myself checking the available files for transcription, and found that there were a whole lot of files from this guy in New York who walks around and uses Skype as a sort of audio journal. Pretty interesting, listening in to someone else's stream of consciousness. Let's see how many files I can transcribe before the novelty wears off.

Escapism, or Unfortunately, I am not a figment of the imagination

2010-01-18T20:17:00.001+08:00

You know what I want to do? Save up some money, make up a plausible excuse to be gone a couple of days. Then disappear alone. I don't know where I'd go, and it doesn't really matter too much. It just has to be somewhere I've never been before. And somewhere I wouldn't accidentally meet someone I knew. Somewhere to be alone.

This might just be more escapism, but I really feel that such an experience would help me get a better grip on myself. Yeah right, wishful thinking.

These past two weeks, I feel like I've let myself get into a real rut. Each day brought the same vague worrying about my lack of progress, and continued inaction. Each day I would refuse to face these feelings, choosing instead to immerse myself in Murakami's fiction, music, and the interactions of strangers and friends on the Internet.

All the while, of course, rationalizing to myself that this state of affairs would only be temporary. That there was really nothing I could do, that I deserved a break. That I needed to relax and just let the image of what I want to do form by itself. To an extent these are all true, as all rationalizations are.

But only to an extent; no matter how peaceful, a rut is a rut. Things like this can't go on forever. I need to feel that I myself am creating something, bringing something of worth into this world. Being someone of worth.

The difference between me and a protagonist in a Murakami novel? No supernatural forces are going to shake me out of my self-imposed stupor. No beautiful, mysterious, troubled woman is going to appear and turn my world around.

I'm going to have to change my reality by myself.

On navel-gazing, lack of motivation, fear of failure, and personal development.

2010-01-16T22:46:00.003+08:00

Shortly after I started blogging/journalling more than five years ago, I've held onto the assumption that if only I could understand my self enough to write about my situation accurately and comprehensively, it'd make dealing with it, if not exactly easy, at least seem possible. A worthy enough goal.

And so, many times when I would feel sad and frustrated and clueless, I'd dutifully attempt to chronicle my thoughts on whatever issues happened to be bothering me presently. I have to say, this resulted in some of my most cringe-worthy journal entries. Reading the earnest spoutings of a naive earlier self is embarrassing, to say the least.

However, while understanding is part of the battle, it's not really the part that I have the most trouble with. I'm too good at rationalizing. It's too easy for me to get caught up in concocting explanations for all the different aspects of the situation, without getting any closer to a resolution. In pessimistic moods, I can overthink and dwell on the perceived consequences of failure even before taking any action.

I suppose writing this now is mostly just more of the same, but somehow I have to believe that I know better know, hah! (Obvious spoiler: No, I don't.)

Ever since I've been self-aware enough to doubt and second-guess, I've been frustrated with my lack of motivation. Sure, I can understand, or at least drum up reason upon reason, why I should be doing something, but the punch, the visceral feeling of desire has rarely been there. All the reasons for all the different things convince me of nothing but my own confusion. No changes occur. I continue to drift, holding down a vague dissatisfaction.

“But knowing what I don’t want to do doesn’t help me figure out what I do want to do. I could do just about anything if somebody made me. But I don’t have an image of the one thing I really want to do. That’s my problem now. I can’t find the image.” - Toru Okada, protagonist of Haruki Murakami's The Wind-up Bird Chronicle

Sometimes it scares me to think that this is true for me as well. That I could do just about anything if somebody made me. What would that make me, who would I be then? Other times, it just gives me a feeling of peace, thinking that whatever happens, I'll be able to deal. Blissful passivity.

Should I be smacking myself in the face?

When there's a will, there's a way. What do you do when you can see many different ways, but really can't conjure the will to follow any of them? It's easy to say, try them on, and see what fits, but again, where is the will? As I see it, I can generate possibilities rationally, but seemingly lack the capability to become emotionally invested in any of them, to effectively and consistently bridge the gap between intention and action.

I've been on a self-help kick lately, and, I've got to say, that stuff isn't quite as bad as it used to seem to me. A lot of it is useless fluff, to be sure, but there are genuine insights to be had. And sure, maybe a lot of it is common sense. But as I continue to explore the personal development literature, I get the feeling that these guys are saying essentially the same things not because these things are trivial, but precisely because they're true. But it's hard to swallow common sense when it's coming from someone else, and it's easy to fool ourselves and say, yeah, yeah, we understand all that - even though we're not really living as if we do. And so they have to repeat themselves until we really really get it.

Someone just told me, hey, you're just afraid of failure because your fragile pride can't handle it. I have to say that I agree. I've never had to deal with real failure before, perhaps because I've so assiduously avoided even the slightest risk of it. Consciously or unconsciously, sometimes I tend to be too focused on failure to the point of paralysis, complacency, mediocrity.

But, yes, there is no success without failure. I won't develop as a person without making mistakes. My challenge is to get up my courage, and learn to deal with failure while focusing my thoughts on success. (Actually, the more immediate challenge is to convince myself. But we already knew that.)

On self-expression.

2010-01-16T14:45:00.000+08:00

I suppose it's fair enough to start where (I imagine) every writer starts. Take a pick to the walls of the self, excavate and roughly polish every rock with the slightest potential to be a gem. Hone self-awareness without self-consciousness, if you get my drift. Everything's an autobiography.

This holds a certain undeniable appeal. After all, why do I want to write? Why have I, half-heartedly and sporadically maybe, but to the extent of my capacity for persistence, continued to try? Because as a reader, I know how it is to get in touch with another mind. And I can see how, as a writer, there exists the dizzying possibility of reaching out and connecting. Of performing, perhaps in the only realistic sense, telepathy. My thoughts, if I'm good enough, can become yours.

The challenge lies, then, in making my self seem just a little more interesting than your self. At least for the little while that we're together. Truthfully, sometimes, it's hard to convince even myself of this necessary conceit. But things go on, moods change, and the words eventually - thankfully - come.

So, sigh, yes. Self-expression. I've always felt that term to be vaguely distasteful. But, nevertheless, it is a relatively easy default mode that provides adequate practice as I strive for greater precision of language.

Cheers!

2010-01-16T00:15:00.000+08:00

The world is always better when I’m tipsy. Better because it’s just a little further away. At least for a little while, I feel like I have the right to focus solely on the pleasant fact of moderate inebriation. It doesn’t even matter whether I was more happy than sad before I got a bit sloshed. The feeling of goodwill is inevitable. I suppose I’m a cheerful drunk.

It probably helps that I’ve never really had a bad experience with drink. Sure, I’ve had my share of puking into the bushes. But I’ve only had hangovers up to perhaps 60% on the horribleness scale. I’ve blacked out once, but I was in a safe place surrounded by friends – and, reportedly, was capable of making basic responses!

To be honest, I think I’d be better off if I could somehow make permanent the lowering of inhibitions due to alcohol. People seem to like me better tipsy, at any rate. Sad, but true. Just goes to show, I need to stop thinking too much. I need to lighten up, open up, be more willing to make a fool of myself.

Easier said than done. In the meantime, cheers!

Maybe not so funny.

2010-01-15T12:06:00.001+08:00

It’s a funny thing, time. One day I’m spending eight hours a day minding someone else’s problems. The next, I’m minding just my own. You could say that I never really did actually mind anything but myself. But the point is, I tried, whether I felt obliged, or bound by an actual or implicit contract. Of course, the more I think about it, the more difficult it becomes to get a grasp of How long? or How long ago? The distance in time between now and then can be put into words, as exact as I’d like, but what good would that do anyone? One day is not the same as every other day. Hilarious.

They say one can’t step into the same river twice. Me? I’ve never even once stepped into a river, even though I tend to go with the flow. Going with the flow: story of my life. Question is, if a river changes course, do the fish notice? What I do know is that I have never had what it takes to turn stirrings in the depths into actual, honest-to-goodness waves on the surface. A lot of people would advise diving in, but I don’t know how to swim. That could be the point.

You know what else is funny? Thinking about the past. Thinking about the future. There’s this funny gap between either memory or prediction and reality. Ah, another slippery unquantifiable. Sometimes the gap seems merely a crack, sometimes it’s just as long as a jump, sometimes this space in between is as wide as the one that got away. Or if you’re stubborn, the one that keeps getting away.

Yeah, stretch out my arms as I might, it’s hopeless.

Isn't it good?

2010-01-12T20:53:00.006+08:00

I finished re-reading Norwegian Wood today. I am still feeling the familiar ache and sense of loss at having to leave Murakami's story, at having to go back to continuing to slap together my own personal narrative.

Norwegian Wood is perhaps one of the simplest of his novels. It's essentially a coming-of-age love story, set in Tokyo in the late sixties. Of course it's by no means "just" a love story - his typical humor, penchant for the metaphysical, and cool, smooth style are all still there.

(I am reading Murakami again as research for an essay about him I'm working on for a local newspaper contest. Not much to say about it, except that I'm now wondering how to fit a substantial review of his work in just over a thousand words.

I found myself re-reading with greater awareness, paying greater attention to my experience. Of course, since I am trying to put into my own words why I've fallen in love with Murakami's work.)

He's a natural storyteller, with an impeccable grasp of rhythm and timing.

His protagonists are admirably self-aware, articulate, and empathetic. Much more so than I am or have ever been, although, I hope, not too much more than I can hope to be. This is what makes them so compelling and likeable, to my mind.

I am at a loss as to expressing the emotional affect the book (and Murakami in general) has on me. I am beginning to have the suspicion that this is exactly what I need to focus on for that essay. Hrm.

But to take a stab at it, it's a combination of how strongly I identify with his pensive, solitary first person narrator, the lulling "natural-ness" of the prose/ stream of consciousness or its quality of being "in rhythm", and the melancholy permeating the fabric and every thread of the story.

On the other hand, perhaps because of the subtle humor throughout, I came away from Norwegian Wood, as from most of Murakami's other novels and stories, with a not-insignificant feeling of, I don't know if this is the exact word, hope.

Keepin' on keepin' on

2010-01-11T18:47:00.005+08:00

It took too long, I think, but nonetheless, I managed to finish the first draft of an essay on Murakami (for submission to this newspaper contest) today. I'll edit it later this week, but just to note down some initial thoughts on revision: needs cohesion, could probably stand trimming/refocusing, the introductory part needs to be reworked.

There isn't much else to report, sadly. Still keeping up with my workout routine, still doing great at squats but not very well at situps and pushups.

Still no news on possible employment; I'm following this up tomorrow, it's been a week! (I'm beginning to get more worried that I shouldn't just be waiting on this single opportunity, but instead also actively seeking others. Meh.)

It seems I've simply fallen into a slightly different rut. Sure, I'm exercising, but that's pretty much it. Good thing I've come up with this essay project or else I might not be doing anything else productive at all.

I think I'll do a more thorough state of the Momeng address later tonight, or tomorrow. Allowing self to be distracted for a while.

Boredom. (What's new?)

2010-01-08T21:40:00.004+08:00

Bored. I need something new to do. (Like at a job, but they haven't called me yet!)

I just might perform a delayed New Year's clean-up: clear the clutter in my room, organize my things. Organize the data in my laptop, and so on.

It's been a boring week. My biggest accomplishment has to be keeping up a regular workout routine: 30 minutes of jumping rope every other day, and 15 minutes of jumping rope plus strength training exercises (either pushups/situps/squats or doing weights on the machine) in between. I really hope I can turn this into a habit before I get a job again: so far I might just be succeeding in getting myself to exercise for lack of better things to do!

Lust, Caution; Zatoichi

2010-01-06T19:43:00.002+08:00

Finally got around to watching these movies (impulse buys from that shop in SC) - Lust, Caution yesterday and Zatoichi just tonight. Impressions (and spoilers) follow.

Lust, Caution

Tony Leung. Case closed.

Seriously, though, they could film Tony Leung sitting in a chair for two hours and I'd probably enjoy watching it. The man has screen presence. I couldn't quite reconcile him with his villain role in this movie, though.

I enjoyed the attention to detail, and the languor of the film, though near the end it did feel a little... stretched too thin. Still, one can't fault the immersion.

Zatoichi

I was expecting an old-fashioned samurai flick, and boy was I surprised. (My fault for not reading the blurb closely enough.)

Takeshi Kitano plays the titular role, a blind master swordsman (apparently an iconic character in Japanese culture), in this energetic romp of a period piece. Excellent comedic timing, wonderfully-choreographed action scenes (and percussion interludes!), and, all in all, a pervasive sense of plain old fun make the movie a crowd-pleaser you won't feel guilty watching.

Fifth day of the year.

2010-01-05T19:14:00.005+08:00

Been enjoying working through the initial problems over at Project Euler. It feels familiar in a nice way to be solving math problems and programming again, but at the same time my rustiness is somewhat disheartening. But, you know, geeky, semi-productive fun can't be bad, right?

Jumped rope for about thirty minutes today, or until I could feel certain muscles starting to get tired. Don't want to tire myself out before I resume my workout tomorrow.

Recently got sucked into this thread at INTP Central: Pictures of Meals You've Made. It's an addicting combination of INTP commentary and really great cooking. I wish I knew how to/ had more motivation to cook and putter around in the kitchen!

(And, yeah, it's only been a day, but I can't wait for the result of the exam!)

First working day of the year!

2010-01-04T20:38:00.004+08:00

Went back to the office today to take the exam for the developer position. Arrived rather early, before 10 am, and was told that if I do get accepted, it'd be on a contractual basis (i.e., no benefits) for six months. ("Shrug, okay!") Was also told that the next exam schedule was 2:30 pm.

Got to talk with a couple of previous batchmates. Unfortunately I had left my phone at home, so was unable to join them for lunch. (Fail!)

Killed some time walking around Megamall, for lack of a better idea, and also to look for somewhere to print out a copy of my resume. First ended up in Powerbooks - read about data structures, haha. (It would turn out that those are a little outside the scope of an employment exam, and good thing, too!)

Eventually: the walk back to Tektite, coffee, the exam. Lasted two and a half hours. At first it seemed too much for me (not really a coder), but all in all, it was doable. It was fun taking the exam alone in a small conference room with an awesome view.

P.S. I think I like taking exams, and if nothing else, I'm somewhat good at it. Not exactly something to be proud of, but...

Done with the brokerage billing forms!

2010-01-03T20:32:00.006+08:00

Finally got around to making two simple spreadsheet billing forms for the family brokerage (as requested by my brother).

They actually only involved subtotals, percentage deductions and additions, and so on. The tricky part was figuring out how to mimic the alignment of the original forms - their client wants the forms on specially-printed form paper which already has some labels and divisions and so on.

I didn't have a ruler, so I ended up holding the sample form to the screen (with Excel zoomed to as close to life size as possible) and estimating distances with the onscreen ruler.

Positioning the different fields was made easier by a trick I learned from seeing it used at work: turning all the cells in the sheet into tiny squares, and simply merging cells into the right size where they are needed. (Adjusting field positions was a pain, though!)

So, in summary, I suppose there could've been better/more efficient ways of doing what I just did, but I think I did well enough for an intermediate spreadsheet user.

Day 2 of the 100/200/200 programs

2010-01-03T11:32:00.003+08:00

Having finished Day 1 the day before last (first day of the year), I rested for one day as advised and resumed the programs today. The squats went okay, I think I should be able to follow that program without much hassle. It was tiring, but felt just right.

The situp and pushup programs, on the other hand, are much harder for me. I think it has to do with a lack of proper stretching - my muscles are still tired from the last workout! To try and remedy this, I'm going to take two rest days before continuing with Day 3 of the programs, and also warm up and stretch more thoroughly next time. (Hm, I should find my old jump rope or get a new one already.)

I'm excited to start on the program I've devised using the machine we have here at home already, but haven't yet figured out how to schedule that and these three programs together. Hum.

Shake Rattle and Roll; Workout plans

2010-01-02T17:00:00.005+08:00

Went out to watch a movie and have lunch with the parents, Kuya Julius and Ate Anne, and the kids today. A pretty rare occurrence, I can't remember the last time we were out with our parents (was it for Cesar Montano's Jose Rizal?).

Watched Shake, Rattle, and Roll, uh, 11, with the kids. Meh. Usually I think one of the three segments is somewhat amusing/scary/decent, but for this one, no luck. The lack of originality in the film, if one were to take it as typical of the Filipino film industry, was really depressing.

After waiting nearly an hour to get a table, we had a late lunch at Mann Hann (we typically have Chinese food when we eat out, I don't know why). Burp. Last time I'm pigging out, I swear!

I've devised a workout plan, splitting the full-body workout into three days: a "pull" day, a "push" day, and a legs/abs day. Not quite optimal yet (i.e., I mostly based it off of a couple of websites), but it's workable.

Before going through that, though, I'm planning to finish the 100 pushup, 200 situp, and 200 squat programs first (which will take about six weeks, ideally). Need to buy a jump rope or find some other cardio exercise to do, though...

Okay, it's January, time to get into jobhunting/full-time personal development mode. Kicking things off with a crash course in computer science/programming basics this Sunday before (possibly) walking in to take the developer exam on Monday. Lez do thees!

Goodbye, mustachioed creatures. Hello, strange men.

2010-01-01T11:42:00.003+08:00

Layout image changes, just for kicks. Getting the urge to clean up digital house (meatspace-clean-up is too tedious), perhaps in time for rehabitation / rehabilitation.

Gotta start the year right, but how? Hum.

No. 1, series of 2010.

2010-01-01T11:12:00.003+08:00

Happy new year, everyone.

2009 wasn't really my year. Graduated with a disappointing thesis and a disappointing honorific. Worked for five months at a disappointing job. Was dumped because of being rather aimless and, yeah... disappointing. (Well, at least it's going to be easier to go up than down, from where I stand now, right?)

Of course, 2009 wasn't all bad. (I suppose it's just that the last quarter or so of 2009 has been bad enough to affect my perception of the whole year.) Mixed with the sadness and frustration were times of happiness, expectation, and, yeah, fun with friends. While resigning from my job (i.e., taking an undeserved break) hasn't yet resulted in the sweeping life changes and sharp increase in productivity that I was hoping for, it has been somewhat refreshing, somewhat eye-opening. (It took a while for any progress to manifest, though, but I must say that there were certain mitigating circumstances.)

Well, artificial as the transition from one year to the next may be, I believe it's still psychologically useful! 2010, ready or not, here I come!

For the record. / In a blue funk.

2009-12-14T22:50:00.003+08:00

I am in no state to be writing in any substantial way about how I'm currently doing. Suffice it to say, I'm not doing very well. (Read: still jobless, was dumped five days ago, hence more adrift than ever before.)

This isn't the place for this.

One week later

2009-11-26T10:53:00.003+08:00

So, one week of unemployment.

I haven't been as productive as I'd hoped, which is no big surprise, but still disappointing. I have made a few tentative steps towards learning various things, but my problem is actually doing something with the references and resources that I've collected.

The underlying issue seems to be one of direction. Up to now, even with the copious amounts of whining I've done (published in this blog or no), I still feel about as aimless as before. My attempts (what attempts? read: intentions) to plan out at least the remaining weeks in the year have so far not borne any fruit.

So, it's all been more or less ad hoc. I'd approach each possible task intending to really get into it, but then find that I possess neither enough motivation nor enough energy and drive to overcome that lack of motivation.

Maybe I need a general tune-up before I even attempt to proceed on this noble but somewhat ambitious project of self-directed learning and improvement. For the rest of the year, my goal will just be to institute some habits to help me get into the right condition. I'll list some of them now, maybe I'll add to this list as time goes on.

Sleep early, wake up early.
Exercise daily.
Give up (the regular consumpion of) coffee, junk food, and eat with more awareness.
Do one difficult thing every day.

(Of course, these concrete steps are no substitute for finding my direction/ motivation. But they can't hurt, and will most probably help, right?)

Days Two to Five, In Which Nothing Much Happens

2009-11-23T09:30:00.003+08:00

Days two and three were more eventful:

Day Two

Last Friday, I went with Jeanne to the Goethe Institut Open House, celebrating the opening of their newly constructed/ renovated library. Although it was a little boring in the afternoon (we had bad timing and got stuck in one of the less fun parallel activities), we did get to hear Imago, Julianne (who?), and Kalayo perform live. There was excellent German food for dinner (liver soup, bratwurst, sauerkraut, kartoffelsalat), and afterwards there was dancing. (That was more than a little odd, and it didn't help that the director of the Institut as well as the German ambassador joined in at some point!)

Day Three

Then on Saturday we went to The Fort to watch the first night of the Pyro Olympics. Despite the unexpected rainy weather, it was wonderful (fireworks usually are). This year, the competition also involved music, adding an extra dimension to the spectacle. Germany and China performed that night. Personally, I thought that while China's presentation was more consistently in sync and a little cleaner, Germany made up for it by having bursts of creativity amidst the so-so rest of their presentation. (And perhaps Germany's music was a little more familiar to our Westernized ears?)

Day Four

Sunday was a lazy day like every Sunday seems fated to be.

Day Five

And now it's Monday. What have I accomplished? Well, to be fair, I have been applying for various part-time online gigs (transcription, article writing) to help finance my (brief?) break from full-time employment. I have also been downloading and browsing references on Java (but I haven't been practicing much, hum).

I could go easy on myself and say that I'm still adjusting to the unemployed life, that I've never really developed any significant amount of self-discipline, and so on, and so forth... But, in short, I haven't done much, and certainly not enough to justify my resignation (if it needed justification of this sort).

Alright, today will be the day for making more specific and concrete plans, at least for the rest of the year (i.e., the month of December). Must not let self be defeated by the break = vacation mentality - I'm not (just) a student anymore!

Day One: the retrospective.

2009-11-19T08:12:00.007+08:00

So, back to being unemployed. As I plan to make the most out of this, ahem, sabbatical, it'd be worthwhile to look back and attempt to articulate just what, exactly, I've managed to pick up in my brief stint as a software tester.

Backstory

Azeus snagged me by chance - I had gone with some friends to the College of Engineering job fair, and submitted my resume along with them to more or less arbitrarily selected employers. I went through the application process without much event until the job offer materialized.

Stuck in the post-graduation mire, I was thankful, perhaps a little overly so, for any path that seemed clear. Research had yielded more reasons to accept Azeus' offer rather than to reject it, and I felt interested enough in the IT industry to take this opportunity to enter it.

So I accepted the job offer, and even got a freebie: a cap with the company logo on it. (It didn't fit me well, though.)

The Employment Experience: The Good

My previous employment experience was at Siemens, as a technical support representative (i.e., call center agent). Between the physically draining schedule and the unrewarding nature of the work, I found it bearable only because I knew it was project-based and would last only a couple of months - from summer vacation to before the start of the next semester. I believe I was barely (if at all) able to hold on to any part of what I earned.

From that first job, I learned the military alphabet, how quickly money can just disappear, and how to have beer for breakfast.

In comparison, of course, working at Azeus was a far better experience, for the following obvious and not-as-obvious reasons:

1. Normal hours

Though this meant contending with all the rest of the urban worker drones during the morning and afternoon commutes, this was also much easier on the body and on social scheduling.

2. An excellent training program

From scratch, we were taught all we needed to know to start doing our jobs. There were times when we were left idling due to our trainers' other tasks and commitments, but then again those were more of a logistical problem than a fault of the program. On the whole I enjoyed the training period: I learned a lot, and was able to put what I learned to satisfactory use during the various exercises.

3. Competent co-workers

As trainees, we could tell that our trainers really knew their stuff. Upon deployment, as we met and worked with more and more people, we found a general culture of competence and workmanship.

4. Quiet, work-and-let-work atmosphere

This is a personal preference, of course, but I really appreciated this. It would seem that IT attracts many introverts, and the office was relatively subdued.

5. Challenging, engaging work (or so I thought at the time).

Suddenly...

2009-10-25T15:54:00.002+08:00

...it's October.

The past working months have been, on the whole, fairly tolerable. However, in the light of a recent timely interruption, I realize I may have been prematurely content.

Looking back, I did say to myself that the software testing gig wasn't going to be a permanent one, unless I decided so. But slowly, the routine of working, aided by those small rationalizations one is forced to make to get through the day, made me lose sight of the bigger picture. That is, I conveniently started forgetting that, in fact, I had not yet decided on a bigger picture for myself!

It's time to wake up, recalibrate, to beware of complacency.

Spring cleaning?

2009-05-28T19:18:00.000+08:00

Nasaniban ata ako ngayong araw: linigpit ko ang study table kong di ko na ginagamit, inilabas ito ng kwarto, at saka (meron pa!) ni-reformat ang laptop na ito. (Bakit? Medyo bumabagal na kasi, at gusto kong magsimula ulit nang malinis.)

Medyo nagsasawa na ata ako sa puro gising-kain-Internet/laro-kain-tulog. Nagsisimula na rin akong magbasa para sa trabaho. Sa palagay ko rin ay itutuloy ko pa ang paglilinis ng kwarto, at pati na rin ng computer - aayusin ang mga files at folders, gagawa ng sistema para sa paggawa ng backups, aayusin ang impormasyon ng mga digital music files, atbp.

Medyo kakaiba pa rin para sa akin ang pananagalog, kahit na ilang linggo na rin akong nagpupumilit mag-Tagalog lang sa Plurk.

Sige, patapos na ata mag-defragment ang OS partition ko. Ibabackup ko na muna, para sa susunod mas mabilis i-restore.

The End of Summer

2009-05-27T23:31:00.000+08:00

Technically, summer has been over for a while now, since the rainy season began some time in the middle of May. My student's heart, however, refuses to acknowledge the death of summer until the start of classes. In fact, though nominally it's already the rainy season, it's been unbearably hot these past few days. Still, emulating old console RPGs and monster-raising games is beginning to lose its appeal. It must be sinking in slowly: I will be working as a software test engineer for Azeus Systems Philippines, Inc., beginning this June 16.

Okay, so it's mostly unrelated to my university training, although an argument could be made that studying physics teaches useful problem-solving techniques and approaches that are applicable to many other pursuits. It could be made, but I won't be making it here. Suffice it to say that I've learned a lot from my years at the National Institute of Physics, and hopefully not all of that will go to waste.

Essentially, I will be attempting, through this job, to start a career in the (local, for now) IT industry, since it seems to be a) thriving, at least relatively, and b) sufficiently interesting to me, personally. And the pay's decent, for an entry-level position, from what limited information I've been able to gather.

The plan is to continue researching and exploring other options while holding down this regular job. Of course, I'm not going to treat it just like a temporary job, exactly, but neither will I let myself be tied down by it too much. Maybe I'm being a little ambitious, but what the hey.

For now, I think my best move would be to clean up. My room, my computer, plans, priorities, projects, and so on. I've been bumming around and drifting aimlessly for long enough.

Another day in pictures.

2009-03-16T17:30:00.001+08:00

Above: Ex Libris UP elections.

Voter turnout: 3(+2 who dropped by, +11 who voted by (text) proxy). Sort of fail, but not entirely unsurprising. Org, we need to have a nice, long talk. *stern face*

Below: Uh. Yeah.

Love, with Trees and Lightning

2009-03-16T17:18:00.000+08:00

Love, with Trees and Lightning
by Catie Rosemurgy

I've been thinking about what love is for.
Not the dramatic part where he gathers
until he is as purposeful inside her
as an electric storm. Not when he breaks
into a thanks so bright it leaves her split
like a tree. (How we all jolt back, our picnic
ten shades lighter, our hands clapped over awe
that is too big for our mouths, our raw hearts
more tender now that they're a little burned.)

No, not the connecting and charring part.
(After all, nothing we like to call lightning
stays very long among the branches.)
But the two of them, afterwards, tasting
the electricity. Nibbling the charge
on the ions. When her soul has already
risked coming to meet him at the wide open
window of her skin. When what is left
of his body still feels huge, and he sits draped
in his fine, long coat of animal muscles
but uses all this strength to be human
and almost imperceptible. They curl up,
make their bodies the same size, draw promises
in one another's juices. "You," they say.
I love it when they say that.

Would that they could give a solid reason.
Sometimes they even refuse to try. They make jokes
while cinching their laces—"I'll call soon,"
"You are so sweet." The rank sugar of his breath
doesn't summarize the world for her. "Not you," they say.

And nothing bad has happened. They just turn
the doorknob that has been shining in their hands
the whole time, walk out, and continue to die.
Same as the rest of us. So maybe love
is a form of crying. Of finishing
what autumn leaves always start and turning
a brilliant color before we drift down.

Name one living thing that doesn't
somehow bloom. None of them get to choose
the right conditions. Think of fire, of orchids.
She's already up the street when he feels
his body pale, close, and become insufficient.
"If you go," he says out the door, "I go too."

There is no one like him, but she has no hope
of ever proving it. Instead she stays up
pressing old secrets into his skin and asking
if it hurts. He sets her on top of himself
so he can't leave without her and confesses
to feeling as if he almost matters,
as if he no longer disappears
as soon as he connects with something
receptive on the ground. She says she will
split in half for him a million times.
They bring flowers and carpet and children
into the act, stand by one another's side
for years. They refuse to move, ever. They act
as if they've found the only hospitable
spot on earth. I love it when they do that.

Today in pictures, or, well, a part of today

2009-03-12T16:39:00.000+08:00

Yeah, I wish I had an easel and proper tools, too. Not sure I deserve them yet, anyway. :P (Oil) painting is pretty tricky.

Below: the results. IT'S NOT DONE OKAY.

Oh, also,

2009-03-11T18:43:00.000+08:00

I saw Watchmen yesterday. Of course it wasn't as awesome as the graphic novel, but it was slick and pretty and I'd say above par for a superhero/Hollywood flick.

It would have been way more awesome with the original ending, though. (Watchmen the Movie: not enough tentacles!)

An attempt at re-habituation.

2009-03-11T18:34:00.001+08:00

I haven't been busy, but my room's as messy as ever and personally I'm still quite aimless and confused. Or maybe that's only the past week of slacking off talking.

I'm looking forward to the swimming/Science-camp overnight trip with batchmates this weekend, at least. That should be lots of fun.

I guess I haven't been keeping my promise of trying to blog every day, but it's just that nothing of import has really been happening, and, you know, I just didn't feel like it, most days this month. I can't tell you exactly why. Maybe it's a senior thing.

So, what's new. I attended two public lectures recently, one held by a Russian professor predicting the disintegration of the United States due to the economic crisis and the fall of the dollar, and the other by a Malaysian professor (and erstwhile investment banker) summarizing some of the causes of the financial crisis and its effects on Asia. They were quite interesting, although as with most public lectures neither of the speakers could really go into details, which was somewhat disappointing.

Still drawing on index cards. Vague intentions of trying using some sort of paint, since that seems to be able to cover area more efficiently than, you know, fine-tipped markers, but there is a lack of disposable monies at the moment.

Also thinking of starting on a writing project, deadline on May 31. My handle on the whole writing-revising process is still somewhat tenuous, my experience of it patchy, but I have enough free time, I think. Hopefully this one won't simply fall through like previous attempts.

Men in pink,...

2009-03-04T15:41:00.000+08:00

...just shootin' the breeze.

Celebrate good times, come on!

2009-02-28T08:38:00.000+08:00

The deadline for thesis draft submission having passed, I and six of my batchmates celebrated with some videoke. Fun and drink was had by all. Yung iba diyan mukhang may pinaghuhugutan, ang galing pumili ng kakantahin e. :P

As for me, I got pleasantly buzzed and enjoyed myself a lot. Hehe, pasalamat kayo may taga-ubos kayo ng drinks - doble ata yung bayad pag may natira. Not much of a hangover, fortunately, just a slight persistent throbbing of the head.

Up next, Science Camp Part II!

Reports from the front lines - Operation Employment: Commence!

2009-02-26T16:48:00.000+08:00

It felt odd to leave the house this morning to take an exam for possible employment. Good thing I'd already experienced the job application process before. I wasn't quite as nervous as I was during my first time.

The exam itself, set for an hour, actually did take me maybe 45-50 minutes. I was going slow and being meticulous since the questions were intentionally quite tricky - both in the reading comprehension (/vocabulary) and the math (/numeracy) portions.

I may have perpetuated the "mayabang na taga-UP" stereotype unwittingly, hahaha. I was in casual clothes, while my three co-applicants (all female), were more or less in smart casual clothes. By casual, I mean a Google t-shirt (that I was shocked to find a small hole in, I love that shirt D:), jeans, and Chucks. Plus, because it was cold in the exam room I was wearing my UP hoodie, zipped up. Finally, during the pre-exam briefing, while the others were silent, I was asking questions such as "Can I take both tests?" (Test engineers had a different test from developers.)

On a more positive note, though, I enjoyed the test. Hahaha, that's a good sign, right? I found the questions tricky, but not overly so. I guess partially it's just because I haven't taken an exam like that in a long time.

Company A

2009-02-25T18:39:00.000+08:00

Exam tomorrow. IT company, sort of notorious for high standards. Applying for software test engineer position. Obviously have no idea what to do, at least it's not a totally unrealistic position like software developer/programmer. Test engineer job description was intriguing enough. Good luck!

Another day, another rejection.

2009-02-24T15:08:00.000+08:00

Rejection

Okay, so just for giggles (or, well, somebody emailed me), I applied for another company online, Standard Chartered this time. A lot of them seem to have personality tests and such now, and that segment on this particular application took maybe forty-five minutes. Rejected. At least they tell you right away if you don't have the driven, go-getting, highly motivated, ambitious, energetic, charismatic, persuasive, suave personality that they desire. So much for being honest!

In any case, I'm not entirely sure if this is supposed to be a disappointment. I mean, if they're expecting someone of an entirely different personality, even if I had gotten in by fudging my answers, then I'd have to live up to that other personality, right? No, I'm not sour graping, because honestly I have no idea what working for a bank, let alone Standard Chartered specifically, would be like.

Cafe Breton

Okay, in other news, we'd been hearing good things about the crepes at Cafe Breton, so we went there to try them this afternoon. And they were pretty good, the crepes themselves had just the right texture and amount of resistance. No complaints about their coffee, either. But, I'd stay away until I had disposable income, as crepes and coffee for two came to nearly five hundred bucks.

Gran Torino

2009-02-23T19:07:00.000+08:00

Looking around at reviews, a lot of people seem to have liked this Eastwood movie. I guess it does have its charms, the biggest of which is the crotchety old hardass himself. It was entertaining enough to watch him playing a grizzled, embittered war veteran slinging racial epithets left and right, and of course, what's a Clint Eastwood role without a couple of awesome macho showdowns? The slow, measured pace, intended I suppose to lead viewers to get inside the main character's head, was also a refreshing change. For these things and a few others, I think I didn't entirely waste my movie ticket money.

But I found the movie as a whole, in a word, clunky. (You know, like this haphazard review, but this doesn't really deserve proofreading and editing, does it?) The plot never really comes together smoothly, and what you get is instead a series of events happening one after another. Character development seemed a little forced and unreal. And, oh, the acting, apart from Clint himself, was more or less horrible.

Okay, so bottomline, some things were likeable, but as a whole, clunky clunky clunky.

Had dinner and a couple of beers at Chili's afterwards. Food was good enough, and the portions (too) large. Then coffee near one of the performances in the Philippine International Jazz Festival, but unfortunately all the outside tables were taken and we weren't really able to listen. Exciting times.

In other news, I just need to write my abstract and do some final proofreading of my draft. Enough time for that tomorrow morning. (Looking forward to post-draft-deadline-week celebration, guys, okay? :P)

Yes, I can see it...

2009-02-22T17:40:00.000+08:00

(From PHD Comics, of course.)

What I have been doing with my time:

2009-02-20T23:13:00.002+08:00

Sniffing colored markers! Or, well, wasting them in other ways.

One, two...

2009-02-19T17:45:00.000+08:00

...three years. That is all. <3

Everything Is Like Riding a Bicycle.

2009-02-17T17:30:00.000+08:00

By which I mean, intuitively at least, does it not seem to you that given enough time, effort (or focus), and motivation, it is quite possible to reach that point of no return, past which an activity, endeavor, or pursuit becomes natural, and hence, though not effortless, much less onerous and much more rewarding? That magic moment like snapping your fingers, after which the flow goes on and on.

Think of academic pursuits, for instance. As an undergraduate, research seems impossibly difficult, esoteric, or downright impenetrable. But with exposure and conscientious practice, it becomes less and less impossible, and more and more fulfilling.

Or think of creative endeavors. A novice's scribblings would almost certainly not qualify as great work, but with the necessary amount of perseverance and perhaps a certain amount of conviction, the novice will proceed to do creative work of note.

You may protest, "But, physical and other kinds of restrictions exist. There is such a thing as inborn talent, and thus there also is the lack of talent. Exceptional people and achievements are called exceptional for a reason," and, of course, you would be remiss in not noting, "Aren't you just being optimistically deluded about your own capabilities and potential?"

To which I would reply, why, yes, indeed, in a sense, I am just drastically, drastically overestimating myself. Won't you agree that focusing on possibility instead of impossibility is the healthier attitude? Isn't optimism more useful than pessimism, in this sense?

However, elaborating a little further, taking such an outlook does not equate to being completely naïve. Instead, it just consists of being resilient and confident in oneself in the face of difficult or unfamiliar situations, while at the same time still retaining a good measure of skepticism.

That is, perhaps I should have just let this quote speak for itself:

I’m a pessimist because of intelligence, but an optimist because of will.
- Antonio Gramsci

(Of course, personally, I have quite a ways to go, but it must be hoped that eventually I will get there!)

Tao Te Ching Mad Libs

2009-02-17T16:46:00.000+08:00

11. THE UTILITY OF NON-EXISTENCE
Though thirty spokes may form the wheel,
it is the hole within the hub
which gives the wheel utility.
It is not the clay the potter throws,
which gives the pot its usefulness,
but the space within the shape,
from which the pot is made.
Without a door, the room cannot be entered,
and without windows it is dark.
Such is the utility of non-existence.

- from Stan Rosenthal's 1984 translation of the Tao Te Ching

Mad Lib Time!

Though productive work may form an undergraduate thesis, it is the many shiftless days which give the undergraduate perspective.

It is not the "content" the undergraduate fabricates, which gives the undergraduate thesis its value, but the space of possibilities within the words, from which the undergraduate thesis is made.

Without perspective, an undergraduate thesis cannot be let go of, and without detachment it is meaningless.

Such is the rationalization of mediocrity.

For the record, or, a day of some firsts.

2009-02-16T18:07:00.000+08:00

First job application rejection received today, in what probably will be a string of such rejections, after all, physics isn't quite the most employable course out there. Maybe a suitable position wasn't available, maybe this, maybe that, but essentially, I suppose, the corporate world isn't exactly looking for physicists to clasp to its quivering crisis-wracked bosom.

First hat purchased for self: a flat cap in brown faux leather. This is significant, guys, because I have never before worn a hat that suited me, because my head tended to be too big. Baseball caps always looked silly and too small. I even tried wearing bonnets, but they looked silly on me too, in fact they looked more like socks that I mistakenly put on my head, you know? But now, I have greater control over the microclimate of my extremal anterior (that is, cranial) regions, as well as a hat!

More progress!

2009-02-15T11:49:00.000+08:00

Major edits of my existing content more or less done. It looks like a thesis now!

25 pages in the body with four chapters so far, 6 pages in two appendices, 4 pages bibliography with 32 references, 5 figures, 1 table.

The goal is to add at least a chapter of more results. I have a week or so. I think it can be done, after all, most of the work that went into this thesis was deadline-induced, anyway. The two chapters of results were from previous years' SPP conferences, and were more or less crammed on the weeks before the respective deadlines. The introductory chapter and putting together, on the other hand, were induced by last week's 20-page deadline. So, yeah, I'm sort of expecting things to happen this week, but even if nothing does, I think what I have is just enough to get by with.

After draft submission comes a month of working/talking with the thesis panel, then the oral defense, then freedom! (Can't wait.)

Progress!

2009-02-14T16:38:00.000+08:00

Page count: 23 pages content, 3 pages bibliography.

Things left to do: Finish editing chapter on rational solutions. Finish introductory chapters. Strive to add more content.

Wooooo! (Hopped up on coffee, a little.)

I bet I can call this a (very rough, but) finished draft by tomorrow night.

Wooooo!

(Currently procrastinating/taking a break via The Space Game.)

State of the Momeng address.

2009-02-13T17:12:00.000+08:00

Your last semester as a physics undergraduate at the University of the Philippines seems set to be, frankly, quite a shameful one. You did not make any progress on your thesis except the bare minimum necessary, and used only old, insignificant results. This lack of progress is thoroughly unjustifiable. You only had nine units (three of which were for the thesis itself), you had all the time in the world, but you did not accomplish anything.

Yeah, yeah, it's just an undergraduate thesis, right, who cares? Well, here's some news buddy, you should have cared. Guess it's way past that point now, right, with barely a week to the draft deadline? You can't even get yourself to work on it now, can you? Sigh.

Go, take comfort in the fact that in a few weeks' time this will all be over, and, yea, all shall be rejoicing. But let the record show one more instance of disappointment, of procrastination, of, there's no escaping it, failure. Way to go, Momeng.

I need a bonnet.

2009-02-13T16:48:00.000+08:00

My shaven head cannot stand the air conditioner's well-intentioned but much too frigid caress. I am reduced to this:

A little something something.

2009-02-11T16:35:00.000+08:00

The limit of theory, in a sense.

The events of today:

2009-02-10T17:01:00.000+08:00

Let self be dragged back to grade school alma mater by eldest brother to watch nieces' field demonstrations. Through some miscommunication, missed one of them. Had to leave before lunch and the other's demonstration. Alma mater seemed small and dinky. Grade school principal's closing remarks had glaring grammatical errors. Shrugged.

Went to the Novaliches Post Office via a rather circuitous route: Philcoa, SM Fairview, then Nova Bayan. Could've gone straight to Nova Bayan from my area, but it was fun anyway. The Wendy's and French Baker branches at SM Fairview seemed larger than at SM North. Didn't really hang around, though.

Asked for directions without shame. Bus conductor, security guards, etc. Neither got lost nor strayed off the path, fortunately. For some reason, was expecting a big, city-hall-type of affair, but the Novaliches Post Office was a tiny place, hidden among eateries and small commercial spaces. Acquired the thing without fuss.

Completed the circuitous circle by taking an FX down Q. Highway past my area and on to SM North, where some colored markers (toys!) were acquired. Result:

Did some eensy weensy work on the T. Messed about with markers some more, expect more colored doodles in the near future. Got sleepy. Slept.

Random things.

2009-02-09T17:42:00.000+08:00

Had lunch today at Perspolis, this Persian place along Katipunan. Fairly okay, but I still prefer Kha's, with its greater authenticity and range of choices. Pricewise, I suppose Perspolis is a little cheaper, but not by too much.

In other food related news, after keeping track of what I've been eating for... five weeks, and striving to eat smaller meals more often, I seem to have lost a little weight! Huzzah. Nothing significant yet, at just five to six pounds over those weeks, but that was achieved without any sort of exercise. Just drinking more water, avoiding junk food and softdrinks, and in general being just a little bit more conscientious about portion size and meat and fat consumption.

In news related to my scalp, it's odd how much effect shaving off my glorious crown of silken hair has on my temperature. I was actually shivering inside Perspolis, at one point, although to be fair the air conditioner was pointed straight at me (and my poor denuded skull).

I need to pick up a thing at the Novaliches Post Office, and shall hie off there tomorrow. I hope I find it, and that I get what I need to get, and that I get back from wherever it is safely and without undue delay.

Success!

2009-02-08T08:46:00.001+08:00

Come have a drink, let the afternoon vanish, we'll talk about old times and people we hate 'til the hour is late and we find we have wasted our last reserve...

(April & May, David Fridlund)

Okay, so that was only tangentially related, but what the heck, I really like that part of that song, okay.

I was trying to find more stuff by Fridlund, to no avail. Fortunately, I came across emusic's offer of 25 free tracks, and I was able to sign up using my Unionbank EON debit card! Who'd've thunk, right? I was trying just for the heck of it. (I had already tried my BDO cash card and failed.)

Now I am the proud owner of his solo debut, Amaterasu, and his White Van EP.

Canceled the account right away after that, haha. Didn't want to take any chances of accidentally getting billed as the free trial expired and my subscription changed to a paid one.

That is, in one other word, procrastination. Back to work (ideally), need three more pages by tomorrow.

Shock!

2009-02-07T09:33:00.000+08:00

Just a little more procrastination. (Doodles!)

2009-02-06T16:34:00.001+08:00

Okay, so there are a lot of new ones up at my tumblr, about ten, I believe. Here are a couple of my favorites:

This last one in particular. (Face copied from the sketch on the Cordilerra mugs, hehe.)

Substance abuse ahoy.

2009-02-06T14:53:00.000+08:00

Coffee Abuse Weekend begins with a with two shots of Aeropress concentrate, condensed milk, and lots of ice! (Apparently, this is called Cafe Sua Da, literally coffee milk ice.)

Twenty pages of the thesis due on Monday. I have maybe half that number, but what I currently have is badly in need of editing. Add that to the fact that I'd basically been just sitting on my ass with regards to thesis stuff for this entire semester so far, and that the final deadline for the draft is (effectively, for me and my co-advisees) in two weeks or so! Fun for the whole family.

Too bad, really, for the other things I could have been doing. I could have been taking an employment exam at Meralco tomorrow. I could have been in Subic for the weekend with my brother and his kids. I could have been starting on that Hellsing anime (done with the manga!).

You know, I could've been (doing) something great, but I ruined it, and instead, what I get is a stressful 48 hours or so in which all the procrastination of the previous months will come back and bite me on my lazy ass.

On the bright side, in a couple of months, this will all be over, and I'll have shiny new worries to think about. And in that golden period between the end of thesis and the graduation ceremony, I foresee a lot of good clean celebratory fun.

Meme time! (25 randomnesses)

2009-02-05T18:35:00.000+08:00

Okay, so this has been making the rounds on Facebook, but since I don't check there very often, I didn't notice I'd been tagged until I felt like doing this meme anyway (and checked to see if I was justified, haha). Without further ado, I present to you a twenty-five-item list of things you may or may not care to know about me:

1. Let's start with the easy ones. I was a premature baby, expelled into this world after just seven months in the womb. I weighed only three pounds, could fit inside a shoe box, and had to stay in a hospital incubator for a while. (Morbidity: some of my aunts had apparently already been thinking about making funeral arrangements.)

2. Also, I was born when my mother was already in menopause. You know what they say about premature/menopause babies, right, and we have a double whammy right here!

3. So my siblings are all more than a decade (or fourteen years, to be precise) older than I am.

4. My siblings are all married, with children, and all their children have so far been female. Does this suggest that I am going to be the one to produce the necessary male to perpetuate the Imperio name? PERHAPS.

5. I used to always put "to be the smartest man in the world" as my Ambition on those "autograph books" (or notebooks of random information about people: likes, dislikes, motto, and so on) that were popular for a while when I was in grade school. Must've been the consequence of having confused good performance in school with, you know, intelligence.

6. In high school, a service-mate of mine from Miriam once gave me a heart-shaped box of Ferrero chocolates for Valentine's. Whether this was on a dare, in jest, or as a gesture of heartfelt pity, we will never know.

7. I have lost count of the cellphones I have lost, over the years. The most expensive one being a thirty thousand Samsung sliding camphone unit. (Which by the way was conned from me, but that just means I lost it through stupidity and not plain carelessness.)

8. All of my PE classes in college have been of the lame kind: PE1 (lecture), ten-pin bowling, duck-pin bowling, and scrabble. Physically inept nerd.

9. I have had a paranormal experience, of sorts. This happened when I was in college already, so maybe last year or a couple of years ago. Sitting on a chair in front of the computer in my room, I felt a strange warmth increasingly suffusing my body, while at the same time hearing some creepy mumbling voice(s). It was one of those things that, right before them, you get a mounting feeling of anticipation or foreknowledge. It lasted only for a short while, and nothing of the sort has happened ever again.

10. I am most definitely an introvert, and can only be really comfortable around people I know well (enough). Even then, I find myself needing to withdraw and be alone inside my head from time to time. People who know me should be familiar with these quiet and not-so-quiet phases.

11. In relation to the above, I usually prefer one-on-one conversations, or interacting with a small group of people, to having to be part of a large group.

12. I only learned how to bike last Sunday, January 25, 2009. The blister I got on my right hand from gripping the handlebars too hard is only now scabbing over.

13. I only started to seriously consider (creative) writing as a strong interest or a field to explore and improve my skills in fairly recently, when I was already in college. Of course, I haven't gotten too far yet, but I am aware than I want to at least try to get somewhere, I think. Or maybe realize that I won't be able to go too far, or that I don't have too far to go, and okay I'm losing my point here.

14. I started blogging on Tabulas near the end of my fourth year in high school, January 2004 to be more precise. So I have been blogging, on and off, for more than five years. See where that has gotten me!

15. A few months ago I've begun doodling semi-regularly. It's fun, moderately rewarding for the small amount of effort I have to put in, and it gives me things to fill a tumblr with! Awesome. Maybe someday I'll learn enough from doodling to get better at drawing. Or, like a thousand monkeys, realize the minuscule probability of creating a masterpiece out of sheer luck.

16. I have a fairly high alcohol tolerance.

17. Only on two occasions have I drunk a little too much. One had me throwing up, while the other had me "passing out" inside a locked bathroom (I was apparently still responding sensibly to people knocking and asking if I was alright, but I didn't remember anything afterward.).

18. I have consumed alcohol in my room, alone. I was curious, okay. Verdict: not really worth it, for me. I guess it was a little easier to fall asleep afterward, but I don't really need the help, yet.

19. Speaking of substance abuse, I think I have recently become dependent on coffee for energy. I'd like to relieve myself of the dependency, but I don't think I can afford to have the withdrawal period right now, with the thesis deadline looming. Maybe afterward.

20. As a kid, I once almost let myself drown. I was conscious that I was about to drown, but somehow laid-back or resigned about the whole thing. Fortunately my brother noticed and pulled me up before I lost consciousness.

21. I am missing one permanent tooth - it had to go because of a painful cavity that was too deep to just fill in. So remember kids, take care of your teeth!

22. I have been keeping track of what I eat for nearly five weeks now, and also trying to eat smaller meals, but more often. I don't know at this stage if it's just wishful thinking, but it seems to be working. I can comfortably tighten my belt a notch further than I used to be able to.

23. Even though I realize that grades aren't always a good measure of understanding, excellence, or intelligence, I still can't shake grade-consciousness. I blame the consistent high grades, always being in the honor section, et cetera. For instance, I still care about what grade I get for Bio 11, even though in the long run, just a passing grade would be enough (it's my only subject left!).

24. I would probably enjoy being in the academe and eventually becoming a professor, but for now I think I'd rather explore my options. However...

25. In the broadest sense, I still don't know what to do with my life. That's probably no surprise!

How to Enjoy a Meal at Yakiniku Senri (or an equivalent yakiniku restaurant)

2009-02-05T17:42:00.000+08:00

Bring a group of friends. It's more fun to have a room to yourselves!

If it's your first time, try a variety of meats. Some excellent choices would be beef (karubi cut being one of the fattier and hence tastier), beef tongue (grilled tongue has a different texture from stewed or boiled tongue), and cuttlefish. (By that last sentence, I really mean: these were what we tried. We ended up ordering another plate of the karubi because it was so tasty.)

Personally, I found that the meats, sliced as thinly as they are, do not need to cook for very long. Especially if you prefer your meat a little rarer than usual. Set the fire as high as it can go, then just sear each piece on both sides. Dip in soy sauce, lemon juice, miso sauce, or a mixture of the three.

Kimchi is a great accompaniment to grilled meats, and itself can be heated on the grill, where it will pick up some of the meats' flavor.

Imported Japanese beers in the form of Asahi and Kirin are available, if a bit pricey. (They are much more flavorful than local beers, that's for sure.) They also have the traditional sake, of course.

Since it was the first time for most of us there, we didn't bother ordering anything that didn't need to be cooked on the grill, because, you know, what would be the point? But they also have a good selection of the usual Japanese suspects: sushi, sashimi, tempura, ramen, etc.

Last note: they open at 11am, then close for two hours at 3 to 5pm, then are open again until 5 in the morning. We were unlucky enough to have arrived there squarely in the middle of their break, and had to kill some time before we could actually eat.

Marker doodles

2009-02-04T17:51:00.000+08:00

I've been using index cards instead of a scratch pad, and apart from being a couple of degrees more purely white, they're also thicker and able to handle more ink. Tried using my markers again, to fair results, I mean, for me:

Today's dump

2009-02-04T17:41:00.000+08:00

Okay, so to be honest, right now I have quite low levels of enthusiasm and energy.

I blame the disappointing sarswela we walked out of. The music was fine, but the actors should have had better, clearer diction. It made the dialogue that much harder to make out, in addition to the fact that it was in somewhat dated Filipino.

So, personal verdict: waste of time. Should have gone home earlier.

At least I am deriving some entertainment from the Hellsing manga right now, as I procrastinate on my thesis and miscellaneous other things.

Our ACLE today was about vampires, and basically we just showed clips of various appearances of the vampire character in different media and series, then one of our CL majors, Abby, did a slideshow comparing some of these incarnations to each other and to the original Eastern European myth.

One of the clips we showed was from the Hellsing anime, and it was gory and fun so here I am, not getting any work done.

Can't Touch This!

2009-02-03T16:15:00.000+08:00

(collaborative doodle)

Some projections, flow charts.

2009-02-03T13:52:00.000+08:00

Guns, Germs, and Steel

2009-02-02T17:45:00.000+08:00

Essential idea: many biogeographical factors conspired to make the pace of the development of human civilization significantly faster on the Eurasian continent than on others (America, sub-Saharan Africa, Australia, and so on). This broad pattern resulted in Eurasian dominance for most of recorded history.

Very many details are given in support of this basic argument. Food production is discussed, as is the domestication of plants and animals, the diffusion of culture and technology, the complexification of societies, and so on. Admittedly, I am no expert on these matters, but as a scientifically-minded and interested party, consider me convinced. Although, perhaps there is a whiff of suspiciousness at how neatly everything seems to tie together, with almost no details given that would lead to conclusions contradictory to the desired ones. Without knowing more about the subject matter, though, that's just being paranoid.

I think that this kind of very big picture, very integrative thinking is refreshing and admirable, something to aspire to someday be able to do.

Five years later. (PS. Getting Things Done FAST)

2009-02-01T14:14:00.001+08:00

Five years ago (February 2004):

Advanced Big 30 Personality Test Results

Sociability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Gregariousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Assertiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	38%
Activity Level	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Excitement-Seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Enthusiasm	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Extroversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Trust	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Morality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Altruism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Cooperation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Modesty	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Sympathy	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Friendliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	61%
Competence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Neatness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Dutifulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Achievement	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Self-Discipline	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Anxiety	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Anger	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Depression	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Self-Consciousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Impulsiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Vulnerability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Emotional Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	40%
Imagination	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	82%
Artistic Interests	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	86%
Emotionality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	86%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Intellect	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Liberalism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Openmindedness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	78%

Today (February 2009):

Advanced Big 30 Personality Test Results

Sociability	\|\|\|	9%
Aggressiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	72%
Assertiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	27%
Activity Level	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	33%
Excitement-Seeking	\|\|\|	5%
Enthusiasm	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	60%
Extroversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	34%
Trust	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	40%
Morality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	67%
Altruism	\|\|\|	4%
Cooperation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	89%
Modesty	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	57%
Sympathy	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	22%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Confidence	\|\|\|\|\|\|	14%
Neatness	\|\|\|\|\|\|	16%
Dutifulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	33%
Achievement	\|\|\|\|\|\|	16%
Self-Discipline	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	21%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	27%
Anxiety	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	59%
Volatility	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	49%
Depression	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	55%
Self-Consciousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	82%
Impulsiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	47%
Vulnerability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	78%
Emotional Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	39%
Imagination	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Artistic Interests	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	75%
Introspection	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	95%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	39%
Intellect	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	84%
Liberalism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	82%
Openmindedness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	72%

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Summary:

Extroversion 54% -> 34%

Friendliness 61% -> 46%

Orderliness 50% -> 27%

Emotional Stability 40% -> 39%

Openmindedness 78% -> 72%

Hum. I can't say that it's particularly accurate in reflecting the changes that college has wrought in me. If you'll notice, the first three percentages above moved away from near the middle, 50%, to lower values. When in fact I would say that these three should have increased a little over the past five years.

Perhaps this just reflects a greater self-awareness; back then, I might have been just reluctant to admit that I wasn't as extroverted, friendly, or orderly as I thought I ought to be! Maybe they seemed rather more desirable to my younger self than they do now, to me.

Other weird details:

Sociability 50% -> 9%

Gregariousness 58% -> Aggressiveness 72%

Excitement-seeking 54% -> 5%

Neatness 62% -> 16%

Altruism 58% -> 4%

Adventurousness 70% -> 39%

So, yeah, closer inspection seems to indicate that this latest set of results is rather more inaccurate than I was expecting it to be. Maybe I'm not in a typical frame of mind right now, etc, etc.

In other news, although I was listening to Getting Things Done Fast almost the whole day, I didn't really get anything done except for some raket work. To be fair, though, what David Allen is saying makes a lot of sense, but right now I realize that I may have just been procrastinating with some "productivity porn". We'll see, we'll see, maybe I'll get around to implementing his Getting Things Done system in some form or other eventually (ZTD or Zen to Done is a rather appealing simplification, for example).

Just in case anyone else is interested:

2009-02-01T09:46:00.000+08:00

Here's a download link for an audio copy of Feynman's What Do You Care What Other People Think?

Enjoy!

Guns, Germs, and Steel and nonfiction in general

2009-01-31T13:31:00.000+08:00

Currently listening to Grover Gardner reading Jared Diamond's Guns, Germs, and Steel as a foray into nonfiction. From the summary the author himself gave in the opening chapters, it looks like it's going to be a fascinating take on (pre)history, tracing the "broadest patterns" that resulted in Eurasian dominance. Why was it that Eurasians were the ones to get their hands on guns, germs, and steel before anyone else, and hence were able to subsequently conquer and dominate most of the rest of the world? Diamond puts forth that it has to do, ultimately, with many factors rooted in prehistory, and not just proximate or immediate factors, which are, roughly speaking, the guns, germs and steel themselves. For example, in these past few chapters, he has been making a case for the favorable flora and fauna situation in Eurasia leading to an earlier shift in that continent from hunting and gathering into raising crops and domesticating animals. Which, in turn, of course, led to all the developments that comprise what we now usually term "civilization" with its (when you think about it) staggeringly complex relations and hierarchies and technologies.

What other works of nonfiction have you enjoyed lately or would you recommend? I'm interested in broadening my knowledge, and so works from any field, as long as they are interesting or worthwhile, are very welcome. Please leave a comment, thanks!

>RIDE COW:

2009-01-27T18:18:00.000+08:00

He realizes that he has had enough of carrying that Retarded Cow around, and throws it down to the ground in a fit of rage. He goes over to that cow, and after he has gone over to the cow, why, he sits on it and takes it by the horns as if they were handlebars. Fortunately (or unfortunately), the cow in question is a stuffed cow, and though it does not buck him off and facilitate a gory, untimely death, neither will it actually take him anywhere. It does not even make for a comfortable seat.

He stands up and furtively kicks the stupid cow off the road to disappear forever.

[ALERTS: Jomel Imperio has lost a friend.

Jomel Imperio has gained the status Mean to Retards, reducing his Karma by 5x his Compassion.]

So you want to be a writer?

2009-01-27T17:46:00.000+08:00

(Charles Bukowski)

if it doesn't come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don't do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don't do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
typewriter
searching for words,
don't do it.
if you're doing it for money or
fame,
don't do it.
if you're doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don't do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don't do it.
if it's hard work just thinking about doing it,
don't do it.
if you're trying to write like somebody
else,
forget about it.
if you have to wait for it to roar out of
you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.

if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you're not ready.

don't be like so many writers,
don't be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don't be dull and boring and
pretentious, don't be consumed with self-
love.
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
sleep
over your kind.
don't add to that.
don't do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don't do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don't do it.

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.

there is no other way.

and there never was.

***

I've seen this before as a young(er) writer-wannabe, and boy did it hit me hard. I didn't have any passion, I felt, and was only deluding myself based on some facility with the language and a love of reading. Now that I look at it again I become convinced that he was actually kidding, saying "Boo!" to newer writers while sending a slier wink/nudge to writers who have already earned their salt. Of course, I don't belong to the latter camp, not by a long shot, but still I feel somewhat relieved.

Being a writer isn't always about just being the medium for almost supernatural inspiration (unless you were one of the authors of the Bible?), but also, sometimes, about working hard at this thing you want (desperately or not) to get right.

P.S. Second Bio 11 exam tomorrow. Too lazy to do any more studying. Maybe later again. I have to admit, though, I have never thought before that plants could be interesting. Just think about it, they're alive, but not sentient, or even mobile! Getting a closer look at all the processes involved and how their cells, tissues, and organs are organized just reinforces the creepiness, on some level I can't adequately explain right now, but has to do with the order emerging from the collusion of the (seemingly) blind, unintelligent behavior of tinier and tinier parts. (For all we know, Durkon could be right.)