For the record. / In a blue funk.

I am in no state to be writing in any substantial way about how I'm currently doing. Suffice it to say, I'm not doing very well. (Read: still jobless, was dumped five days ago, hence more adrift than ever before.)

This isn't the place for this.

One week later

So, one week of unemployment.

I haven't been as productive as I'd hoped, which is no big surprise, but still disappointing. I have made a few tentative steps towards learning various things, but my problem is actually doing something with the references and resources that I've collected.

The underlying issue seems to be one of direction. Up to now, even with the copious amounts of whining I've done (published in this blog or no), I still feel about as aimless as before. My attempts (what attempts? read: intentions) to plan out at least the remaining weeks in the year have so far not borne any fruit.

So, it's all been more or less ad hoc. I'd approach each possible task intending to really get into it, but then find that I possess neither enough motivation nor enough energy and drive to overcome that lack of motivation.

Maybe I need a general tune-up before I even attempt to proceed on this noble but somewhat ambitious project of self-directed learning and improvement. For the rest of the year, my goal will just be to institute some habits to help me get into the right condition. I'll list some of them now, maybe I'll add to this list as time goes on.

1. Sleep early, wake up early.
2. Exercise daily.
3. Give up (the regular consumpion of) coffee, junk food, and eat with more awareness.
4. Do one difficult thing every day.

(Of course, these concrete steps are no substitute for finding my direction/ motivation. But they can't hurt, and will most probably help, right?)

Days Two to Five, In Which Nothing Much Happens

Days two and three were more eventful:

Day Two

Last Friday, I went with Jeanne to the Goethe Institut Open House, celebrating the opening of their newly constructed/ renovated library. Although it was a little boring in the afternoon (we had bad timing and got stuck in one of the less fun parallel activities), we did get to hear Imago, Julianne (who?), and Kalayo perform live. There was excellent German food for dinner (liver soup, bratwurst, sauerkraut, kartoffelsalat), and afterwards there was dancing. (That was more than a little odd, and it didn't help that the director of the Institut as well as the German ambassador joined in at some point!)

Day Three

Then on Saturday we went to The Fort to watch the first night of the Pyro Olympics. Despite the unexpected rainy weather, it was wonderful (fireworks usually are). This year, the competition also involved music, adding an extra dimension to the spectacle. Germany and China performed that night. Personally, I thought that while China's presentation was more consistently in sync and a little cleaner, Germany made up for it by having bursts of creativity amidst the so-so rest of their presentation. (And perhaps Germany's music was a little more familiar to our Westernized ears?)

Day Four

Sunday was a lazy day like every Sunday seems fated to be.

Day Five

And now it's Monday. What have I accomplished? Well, to be fair, I have been applying for various part-time online gigs (transcription, article writing) to help finance my (brief?) break from full-time employment. I have also been downloading and browsing references on Java (but I haven't been practicing much, hum).

I could go easy on myself and say that I'm still adjusting to the unemployed life, that I've never really developed any significant amount of self-discipline, and so on, and so forth... But, in short, I haven't done much, and certainly not enough to justify my resignation (if it needed justification of this sort).

Alright, today will be the day for making more specific and concrete plans, at least for the rest of the year (i.e., the month of December). Must not let self be defeated by the break = vacation mentality - I'm not (just) a student anymore!

Day One: the retrospective.

So, back to being unemployed. As I plan to make the most out of this, ahem, sabbatical, it'd be worthwhile to look back and attempt to articulate just what, exactly, I've managed to pick up in my brief stint as a software tester.

Backstory

Azeus snagged me by chance - I had gone with some friends to the College of Engineering job fair, and submitted my resume along with them to more or less arbitrarily selected employers. I went through the application process without much event until the job offer materialized.

Stuck in the post-graduation mire, I was thankful, perhaps a little overly so, for any path that seemed clear. Research had yielded more reasons to accept Azeus' offer rather than to reject it, and I felt interested enough in the IT industry to take this opportunity to enter it.

So I accepted the job offer, and even got a freebie: a cap with the company logo on it. (It didn't fit me well, though.)

The Employment Experience: The Good

My previous employment experience was at Siemens, as a technical support representative (i.e., call center agent). Between the physically draining schedule and the unrewarding nature of the work, I found it bearable only because I knew it was project-based and would last only a couple of months - from summer vacation to before the start of the next semester. I believe I was barely (if at all) able to hold on to any part of what I earned.

From that first job, I learned the military alphabet, how quickly money can just disappear, and how to have beer for breakfast.

In comparison, of course, working at Azeus was a far better experience, for the following obvious and not-as-obvious reasons:

1. Normal hours

Though this meant contending with all the rest of the urban worker drones during the morning and afternoon commutes, this was also much easier on the body and on social scheduling.

2. An excellent training program

From scratch, we were taught all we needed to know to start doing our jobs. There were times when we were left idling due to our trainers' other tasks and commitments, but then again those were more of a logistical problem than a fault of the program. On the whole I enjoyed the training period: I learned a lot, and was able to put what I learned to satisfactory use during the various exercises.

3. Competent co-workers

As trainees, we could tell that our trainers really knew their stuff. Upon deployment, as we met and worked with more and more people, we found a general culture of competence and workmanship.

4. Quiet, work-and-let-work atmosphere

This is a personal preference, of course, but I really appreciated this. It would seem that IT attracts many introverts, and the office was relatively subdued.

5. Challenging, engaging work (or so I thought at the time).

More on this later.

Suddenly...

...it's October.

The past working months have been, on the whole, fairly tolerable. However, in the light of a recent timely interruption, I realize I may have been prematurely content.

Looking back, I did say to myself that the software testing gig wasn't going to be a permanent one, unless I decided so. But slowly, the routine of working, aided by those small rationalizations one is forced to make to get through the day, made me lose sight of the bigger picture. That is, I conveniently started forgetting that, in fact, I had not yet decided on a bigger picture for myself!

It's time to wake up, recalibrate, to beware of complacency.

Spring cleaning?

Nasaniban ata ako ngayong araw: linigpit ko ang study table kong di ko na ginagamit, inilabas ito ng kwarto, at saka (meron pa!) ni-reformat ang laptop na ito. (Bakit? Medyo bumabagal na kasi, at gusto kong magsimula ulit nang malinis.)

Medyo nagsasawa na ata ako sa puro gising-kain-Internet/laro-kain-tulog. Nagsisimula na rin akong magbasa para sa trabaho. Sa palagay ko rin ay itutuloy ko pa ang paglilinis ng kwarto, at pati na rin ng computer - aayusin ang mga files at folders, gagawa ng sistema para sa paggawa ng backups, aayusin ang impormasyon ng mga digital music files, atbp.

Medyo kakaiba pa rin para sa akin ang pananagalog, kahit na ilang linggo na rin akong nagpupumilit mag-Tagalog lang sa Plurk.

Sige, patapos na ata mag-defragment ang OS partition ko. Ibabackup ko na muna, para sa susunod mas mabilis i-restore.

The End of Summer

Technically, summer has been over for a while now, since the rainy season began some time in the middle of May. My student's heart, however, refuses to acknowledge the death of summer until the start of classes. In fact, though nominally it's already the rainy season, it's been unbearably hot these past few days. Still, emulating old console RPGs and monster-raising games is beginning to lose its appeal. It must be sinking in slowly: I will be working as a software test engineer for Azeus Systems Philippines, Inc., beginning this June 16.

Okay, so it's mostly unrelated to my university training, although an argument could be made that studying physics teaches useful problem-solving techniques and approaches that are applicable to many other pursuits. It could be made, but I won't be making it here. Suffice it to say that I've learned a lot from my years at the National Institute of Physics, and hopefully not all of that will go to waste.

Essentially, I will be attempting, through this job, to start a career in the (local, for now) IT industry, since it seems to be a) thriving, at least relatively, and b) sufficiently interesting to me, personally. And the pay's decent, for an entry-level position, from what limited information I've been able to gather.

The plan is to continue researching and exploring other options while holding down this regular job. Of course, I'm not going to treat it just like a temporary job, exactly, but neither will I let myself be tied down by it too much. Maybe I'm being a little ambitious, but what the hey.

For now, I think my best move would be to clean up. My room, my computer, plans, priorities, projects, and so on. I've been bumming around and drifting aimlessly for long enough.

Another day in pictures.

Above: Ex Libris UP elections.

Voter turnout: 3(+2 who dropped by, +11 who voted by (text) proxy). Sort of fail, but not entirely unsurprising. Org, we need to have a nice, long talk. *stern face*

Below: Uh. Yeah.

Love, with Trees and Lightning

Love, with Trees and Lightning
by Catie Rosemurgy

I've been thinking about what love is for.
Not the dramatic part where he gathers
until he is as purposeful inside her
as an electric storm. Not when he breaks
into a thanks so bright it leaves her split
like a tree. (How we all jolt back, our picnic
ten shades lighter, our hands clapped over awe
that is too big for our mouths, our raw hearts
more tender now that they're a little burned.)

No, not the connecting and charring part.
(After all, nothing we like to call lightning
stays very long among the branches.)
But the two of them, afterwards, tasting
the electricity. Nibbling the charge
on the ions. When her soul has already
risked coming to meet him at the wide open
window of her skin. When what is left
of his body still feels huge, and he sits draped
in his fine, long coat of animal muscles
but uses all this strength to be human
and almost imperceptible. They curl up,
make their bodies the same size, draw promises
in one another's juices. "You," they say.
I love it when they say that.

Would that they could give a solid reason.
Sometimes they even refuse to try. They make jokes
while cinching their laces—"I'll call soon,"
"You are so sweet." The rank sugar of his breath
doesn't summarize the world for her. "Not you," they say.

And nothing bad has happened. They just turn
the doorknob that has been shining in their hands
the whole time, walk out, and continue to die.
Same as the rest of us. So maybe love
is a form of crying. Of finishing
what autumn leaves always start and turning
a brilliant color before we drift down.

Name one living thing that doesn't
somehow bloom. None of them get to choose
the right conditions. Think of fire, of orchids.
She's already up the street when he feels
his body pale, close, and become insufficient.
"If you go," he says out the door, "I go too."

There is no one like him, but she has no hope
of ever proving it. Instead she stays up
pressing old secrets into his skin and asking
if it hurts. He sets her on top of himself
so he can't leave without her and confesses
to feeling as if he almost matters,
as if he no longer disappears
as soon as he connects with something
receptive on the ground. She says she will
split in half for him a million times.
They bring flowers and carpet and children
into the act, stand by one another's side
for years. They refuse to move, ever. They act
as if they've found the only hospitable
spot on earth. I love it when they do that.

Today in pictures, or, well, a part of today

Yeah, I wish I had an easel and proper tools, too. Not sure I deserve them yet, anyway. :P (Oil) painting is pretty tricky.

Below: the results. IT'S NOT DONE OKAY.

Oh, also,

I saw Watchmen yesterday. Of course it wasn't as awesome as the graphic novel, but it was slick and pretty and I'd say above par for a superhero/Hollywood flick.

It would have been way more awesome with the original ending, though. (Watchmen the Movie: not enough tentacles!)

An attempt at re-habituation.

I haven't been busy, but my room's as messy as ever and personally I'm still quite aimless and confused. Or maybe that's only the past week of slacking off talking.

I'm looking forward to the swimming/Science-camp overnight trip with batchmates this weekend, at least. That should be lots of fun.

I guess I haven't been keeping my promise of trying to blog every day, but it's just that nothing of import has really been happening, and, you know, I just didn't feel like it, most days this month. I can't tell you exactly why. Maybe it's a senior thing.

So, what's new. I attended two public lectures recently, one held by a Russian professor predicting the disintegration of the United States due to the economic crisis and the fall of the dollar, and the other by a Malaysian professor (and erstwhile investment banker) summarizing some of the causes of the financial crisis and its effects on Asia. They were quite interesting, although as with most public lectures neither of the speakers could really go into details, which was somewhat disappointing.

Still drawing on index cards. Vague intentions of trying using some sort of paint, since that seems to be able to cover area more efficiently than, you know, fine-tipped markers, but there is a lack of disposable monies at the moment.

Also thinking of starting on a writing project, deadline on May 31. My handle on the whole writing-revising process is still somewhat tenuous, my experience of it patchy, but I have enough free time, I think. Hopefully this one won't simply fall through like previous attempts.

Men in pink,...

...just shootin' the breeze.

Celebrate good times, come on!

The deadline for thesis draft submission having passed, I and six of my batchmates celebrated with some videoke. Fun and drink was had by all. Yung iba diyan mukhang may pinaghuhugutan, ang galing pumili ng kakantahin e. :P

As for me, I got pleasantly buzzed and enjoyed myself a lot. Hehe, pasalamat kayo may taga-ubos kayo ng drinks - doble ata yung bayad pag may natira. Not much of a hangover, fortunately, just a slight persistent throbbing of the head.

Up next, Science Camp Part II!

Reports from the front lines - Operation Employment: Commence!

It felt odd to leave the house this morning to take an exam for possible employment. Good thing I'd already experienced the job application process before. I wasn't quite as nervous as I was during my first time.

The exam itself, set for an hour, actually did take me maybe 45-50 minutes. I was going slow and being meticulous since the questions were intentionally quite tricky - both in the reading comprehension (/vocabulary) and the math (/numeracy) portions.

I may have perpetuated the "mayabang na taga-UP" stereotype unwittingly, hahaha. I was in casual clothes, while my three co-applicants (all female), were more or less in smart casual clothes. By casual, I mean a Google t-shirt (that I was shocked to find a small hole in, I love that shirt D:), jeans, and Chucks. Plus, because it was cold in the exam room I was wearing my UP hoodie, zipped up. Finally, during the pre-exam briefing, while the others were silent, I was asking questions such as "Can I take both tests?" (Test engineers had a different test from developers.) 

On a more positive note, though, I enjoyed the test. Hahaha, that's a good sign, right? I found the questions tricky, but not overly so. I guess partially it's just because I haven't taken an exam like that in a long time.

Company A

Exam tomorrow. IT company, sort of notorious for high standards. Applying for software test engineer position. Obviously have no idea what to do, at least it's not a totally unrealistic position like software developer/programmer. Test engineer job description was intriguing enough. Good luck!

Another day, another rejection.

Rejection

Okay, so just for giggles (or, well, somebody emailed me), I applied for another company online, Standard Chartered this time. A lot of them seem to have personality tests and such now, and that segment on this particular application took maybe forty-five minutes. Rejected. At least they tell you right away if you don't have the driven, go-getting, highly motivated, ambitious, energetic, charismatic, persuasive, suave personality that they desire. So much for being honest!

In any case, I'm not entirely sure if this is supposed to be a disappointment. I mean, if they're expecting someone of an entirely different personality, even if I had gotten in by fudging my answers, then I'd have to live up to that other personality, right? No, I'm not sour graping, because honestly I have no idea what working for a bank, let alone Standard Chartered specifically, would be like.

Cafe Breton

Okay, in other news, we'd been hearing good things about the crepes at Cafe Breton, so we went there to try them this afternoon. And they were pretty good, the crepes themselves had just the right texture and amount of resistance. No complaints about their coffee, either. But, I'd stay away until I had disposable income, as crepes and coffee for two came to nearly five hundred bucks.

Gran Torino

Looking around at reviews, a lot of people seem to have liked this Eastwood movie. I guess it does have its charms, the biggest of which is the crotchety old hardass himself. It was entertaining enough to watch him playing a grizzled, embittered war veteran slinging racial epithets left and right, and of course, what's a Clint Eastwood role without a couple of awesome macho showdowns? The slow, measured pace, intended I suppose to lead viewers to get inside the main character's head, was also a refreshing change. For these things and a few others, I think I didn't entirely waste my movie ticket money. 

But I found the movie as a whole, in a word, clunky. (You know, like this haphazard review, but this doesn't really deserve proofreading and editing, does it?) The plot never really comes together smoothly, and what you get is instead a series of events happening one after another. Character development seemed a little forced and unreal. And, oh, the acting, apart from Clint himself, was more or less horrible.

Okay, so bottomline, some things were likeable, but as a whole, clunky clunky clunky.

Had dinner and a couple of beers at Chili's afterwards. Food was good enough, and the portions (too) large. Then coffee near one of the performances in the Philippine International Jazz Festival, but unfortunately all the outside tables were taken and we weren't really able to listen. Exciting times.

In other news, I just need to write my abstract and do some final proofreading of my draft. Enough time for that tomorrow morning. (Looking forward to post-draft-deadline-week celebration, guys, okay? :P)

Yes, I can see it...

(From PHD Comics, of course.)

What I have been doing with my time:

Sniffing colored markers! Or, well, wasting them in other ways.

One, two...

...three years. That is all. <3

Everything Is Like Riding a Bicycle.

By which I mean, intuitively at least, does it not seem to you that given enough time, effort (or focus), and motivation, it is quite possible to reach that point of no return, past which an activity, endeavor, or pursuit becomes natural, and hence, though not effortless, much less onerous and much more rewarding? That magic moment like snapping your fingers, after which the flow goes on and on.

Think of academic pursuits, for instance. As an undergraduate, research seems impossibly difficult, esoteric, or downright impenetrable. But with exposure and conscientious practice, it becomes less and less impossible, and more and more fulfilling. 

Or think of creative endeavors. A novice's scribblings would almost certainly not qualify as great work, but with the necessary amount of perseverance and perhaps a certain amount of conviction, the novice will proceed to do creative work of note.

You may protest, "But, physical and other kinds of restrictions exist. There is such a thing as inborn talent, and thus there also is the lack of talent. Exceptional people and achievements are called exceptional for a reason," and, of course, you would be remiss in not noting, "Aren't you just being optimistically deluded about your own capabilities and potential?"

To which I would reply, why, yes, indeed, in a sense, I am just drastically, drastically overestimating myself. Won't you agree that focusing on possibility instead of impossibility is the healthier attitude? Isn't optimism more useful than pessimism, in this sense? 

However, elaborating a little further, taking such an outlook does not equate to being completely naïve. Instead, it just consists of being resilient and confident in oneself in the face of difficult or unfamiliar situations, while at the same time still retaining a good measure of skepticism.

That is, perhaps I should have just let this quote speak for itself:

I’m a pessimist because of intelligence, but an optimist because of will.

- Antonio Gramsci

(Of course, personally, I have quite a ways to go, but it must be hoped that eventually I will get there!)

Tao Te Ching Mad Libs

11. THE UTILITY OF NON-EXISTENCE

Though thirty spokes may form the wheel,
it is the hole within the hub
which gives the wheel utility.

It is not the clay the potter throws,
which gives the pot its usefulness,
but the space within the shape,
from which the pot is made.

Without a door, the room cannot be entered,
and without windows it is dark.

Such is the utility of non-existence.

- from Stan Rosenthal's 1984 translation of the Tao Te Ching

Mad Lib Time!

Though productive work may form an undergraduate thesis, it is the many shiftless days which give the undergraduate perspective.

It is not the "content" the undergraduate fabricates, which gives the undergraduate thesis its value, but the space of possibilities within the words, from which the undergraduate thesis is made.

Without perspective, an undergraduate thesis cannot be let go of, and without detachment it is meaningless.

Such is the rationalization of mediocrity.

For the record, or, a day of some firsts.

First job application rejection received today, in what probably will be a string of such rejections, after all, physics isn't quite the most employable course out there. Maybe a suitable position wasn't available, maybe this, maybe that, but essentially, I suppose, the corporate world isn't exactly  looking for physicists to clasp to its quivering crisis-wracked bosom.

First hat purchased for self: a flat cap in brown faux leather. This is significant, guys, because I have never before worn a hat that suited me, because my head tended to be too big. Baseball caps always looked silly and too small. I even tried wearing bonnets, but they looked silly on me too, in fact they looked more like socks that I mistakenly put on my head, you know? But now, I have greater control over the microclimate of my extremal anterior (that is, cranial) regions, as well as a hat!

More progress!

Major edits of my existing content more or less done. It looks like a thesis now!

25 pages in the body with four chapters so far, 6 pages in two appendices, 4 pages bibliography with 32 references, 5 figures, 1 table.

The goal is to add at least a chapter of more results. I have a week or so. I think it can be done, after all, most of the work that went into this thesis was deadline-induced, anyway. The two chapters of results were from previous years' SPP conferences, and were more or less crammed on the weeks before the respective deadlines. The introductory chapter and putting together, on the other hand, were induced by last week's 20-page deadline. So, yeah, I'm sort of expecting things to happen this week, but even if nothing does, I think what I have is just enough to get by with.

After draft submission comes a month of working/talking with the thesis panel, then the oral defense, then freedom! (Can't wait.)

Progress!

Page count: 23 pages content, 3 pages bibliography.

Things left to do: Finish editing chapter on rational solutions. Finish introductory chapters. Strive to add more content.

Wooooo! (Hopped up on coffee, a little.)

I bet I can call this a (very rough, but) finished draft by tomorrow night.

Wooooo!

(Currently procrastinating/taking a break via The Space Game.)

State of the Momeng address.

Your last semester as a physics undergraduate at the University of the Philippines seems set to be, frankly, quite a shameful one. You did not make any progress on your thesis except the bare minimum necessary, and used only old, insignificant results. This lack of progress is thoroughly unjustifiable. You only had nine units (three of which were for the thesis itself), you had all the time in the world, but you did not accomplish anything.

Yeah, yeah, it's just an undergraduate thesis, right, who cares? Well, here's some news buddy, you should have cared. Guess it's way past that point now, right, with barely a week to the draft deadline? You can't even get yourself to work on it now, can you? Sigh.

Go, take comfort in the fact that in a few weeks' time this will all be over, and, yea, all shall be rejoicing. But let the record show one more instance of disappointment, of procrastination, of, there's no escaping it, failure. Way to go, Momeng.

I need a bonnet.

My shaven head cannot stand the air conditioner's well-intentioned but much too frigid caress. I am reduced to this:

A little something something.

The limit of theory, in a sense.

The events of today:

Let self be dragged back to grade school alma mater by eldest brother to watch nieces' field demonstrations. Through some miscommunication, missed one of them. Had to leave before lunch and the other's demonstration. Alma mater seemed small and dinky. Grade school principal's closing remarks had glaring grammatical errors. Shrugged.

Went to the Novaliches Post Office via a rather circuitous route: Philcoa, SM Fairview, then Nova Bayan. Could've gone straight to Nova Bayan from my area, but it was fun anyway. The Wendy's and French Baker branches at SM Fairview seemed larger than at SM North. Didn't really hang around, though.

Asked for directions without shame. Bus conductor, security guards, etc. Neither got lost nor strayed off the path, fortunately. For some reason, was expecting a big, city-hall-type of affair, but the Novaliches Post Office was a tiny place, hidden among eateries and small commercial spaces. Acquired the thing without fuss.

Completed the circuitous circle by taking an FX down Q. Highway past my area and on to SM North, where some colored markers (toys!) were acquired. Result:

Did some eensy weensy work on the T. Messed about with markers some more, expect more colored doodles in the near future. Got sleepy. Slept.

Random things.

Had lunch today at Perspolis, this Persian place along Katipunan. Fairly okay, but I still prefer Kha's, with its greater authenticity and range of choices. Pricewise, I suppose Perspolis is a little cheaper, but not by too much.

In other food related news, after keeping track of what I've been eating for... five weeks, and striving to eat smaller meals more often, I seem to have lost a little weight! Huzzah. Nothing significant yet, at just five to six pounds over those weeks, but that was achieved without any sort of exercise. Just drinking more water, avoiding junk food and softdrinks, and in general being just a little bit more conscientious about portion size and meat and fat consumption. 

In news related to my scalp, it's odd how much effect shaving off my glorious crown of silken hair has on my temperature. I was actually shivering inside Perspolis, at one point, although to be fair the air conditioner was pointed straight at me (and my poor denuded skull).

I need to pick up a thing at the Novaliches Post Office, and shall hie off there tomorrow. I hope I find it, and that I get what I need to get, and that I get back from wherever it is safely and without undue delay.

Success!

Come have a drink, let the afternoon vanish, we'll talk about old times and people we hate 'til the hour is late and we find we have wasted our last reserve...

(April & May, David Fridlund)

Okay, so that was only tangentially related, but what the heck, I really like that part of that song, okay.

I was trying to find more stuff by Fridlund, to no avail. Fortunately, I came across emusic's offer of 25 free tracks, and I was able to sign up using my Unionbank EON debit card! Who'd've thunk, right? I was trying just for the heck of it. (I had already tried my BDO cash card and failed.)

Now I am the proud owner of his solo debut, Amaterasu, and his White Van EP.

Canceled the account right away after that, haha. Didn't want to take any chances of accidentally getting billed as the free trial expired and my subscription changed to a paid one.

That is, in one other word, procrastination. Back to work (ideally), need three more pages by tomorrow.

Shock!

Just a little more procrastination. (Doodles!)

Okay, so there are a lot of new ones up at my tumblr, about ten, I believe. Here are a couple of my favorites:

This last one in particular. (Face copied from the sketch on the Cordilerra mugs, hehe.)

Substance abuse ahoy.

Coffee Abuse Weekend begins with a with two shots of Aeropress concentrate, condensed milk, and lots of ice! (Apparently, this is called Cafe Sua Da, literally coffee milk ice.)

Twenty pages of the thesis due on Monday. I have maybe half that number, but what I currently have is badly in need of editing. Add that to the fact that I'd basically been just sitting on my ass with regards to thesis stuff for this entire semester so far, and that the final deadline for the draft is (effectively, for me and my co-advisees) in two weeks or so! Fun for the whole family.

Too bad, really, for the other things I could have been doing. I could have been taking an employment exam at Meralco tomorrow. I could have been in Subic for the weekend with my brother and his kids. I could have been starting on that Hellsing anime (done with the manga!). 

You know, I could've been (doing) something great, but I ruined it, and instead, what I get is a stressful 48 hours or so in which all the procrastination of the previous months will come back and bite me on my lazy ass.

On the bright side, in a couple of months, this will all be over, and I'll have shiny new worries to think about. And in that golden period between the end of thesis and the graduation ceremony, I foresee a lot of good clean celebratory fun.

Meme time! (25 randomnesses)

Okay, so this has been making the rounds on Facebook, but since I don't check there very often, I didn't notice I'd been tagged until I felt like doing this meme anyway (and checked to see if I was justified, haha). Without further ado, I present to you a twenty-five-item list of things you may or may not care to know about me:

1. Let's start with the easy ones. I was a premature baby, expelled into this world after just seven months in the womb. I weighed only three pounds, could fit inside a shoe box, and had to stay in a hospital incubator for a while. (Morbidity: some of my aunts had apparently already been thinking about making funeral arrangements.)

2. Also, I was born when my mother was already in menopause. You know what they say about premature/menopause babies, right, and we have a double whammy right here!

3. So my siblings are all more than a decade (or fourteen years, to be precise) older than I am.

4. My siblings are all married, with children, and all their children have so far been female. Does this suggest that I am going to be the one to produce the necessary male to perpetuate the Imperio name? PERHAPS.

5. I used to always put "to be the smartest man in the world" as my Ambition on those "autograph books" (or notebooks of random information about people: likes, dislikes, motto, and so on) that were popular for a while when I was in grade school. Must've been the consequence of having confused good performance in school with, you know, intelligence.

6. In high school, a service-mate of mine from Miriam once gave me a heart-shaped box of Ferrero chocolates for Valentine's. Whether this was on a dare, in jest, or as a gesture of heartfelt pity, we will never know.

7. I have lost count of the cellphones I have lost, over the years. The most expensive one being a thirty thousand Samsung sliding camphone unit. (Which by the way was conned from me, but that just means I lost it through stupidity and not plain carelessness.)

8. All of my PE classes in college have been of the lame kind: PE1 (lecture), ten-pin bowling, duck-pin bowling, and scrabble. Physically inept nerd.

9. I have had a paranormal experience, of sorts. This happened when I was in college already, so maybe last year or a couple of years ago. Sitting on a chair in front of the computer in my room, I felt a strange warmth increasingly suffusing my body, while at the same time hearing some creepy mumbling voice(s). It was one of those things that, right before them, you get a mounting feeling of anticipation or foreknowledge. It lasted only for a short while, and nothing of the sort has happened ever again.

10. I am most definitely an introvert, and can only be really comfortable around people I know well (enough). Even then, I find myself needing to withdraw and be alone inside my head from time to time. People who know me should be familiar with these quiet and not-so-quiet phases.

11. In relation to the above, I usually prefer one-on-one conversations, or interacting with a small group of people, to having to be part of a large group.

12. I only learned how to bike last Sunday, January 25, 2009. The blister I got on my right hand from gripping the handlebars too hard is only now scabbing over.

13. I only started to seriously consider (creative) writing as a strong interest or a field to explore and improve my skills in fairly recently, when I was already in college. Of course, I haven't gotten too far yet, but I am aware than I want to at least try to get somewhere, I think. Or maybe realize that I won't be able to go too far, or that I don't have too far to go, and okay I'm losing my point here.

14. I started blogging on Tabulas near the end of my fourth year in high school, January 2004 to be more precise. So I have been blogging, on and off, for more than five years. See where that has gotten me!

15. A few months ago I've begun doodling semi-regularly. It's fun, moderately rewarding for the small amount of effort I have to put in, and it gives me things to fill a tumblr with! Awesome. Maybe someday I'll learn enough from doodling to get better at drawing. Or, like a thousand monkeys, realize the minuscule probability of creating a masterpiece out of sheer luck.

16. I have a fairly high alcohol tolerance. 

17. Only on two occasions have I drunk a little too much. One had me throwing up, while the other had me "passing out" inside a locked bathroom (I was apparently still responding sensibly to people knocking and asking if I was alright, but I didn't remember anything afterward.).

18. I have consumed alcohol in my room, alone. I was curious, okay. Verdict: not really worth it, for me. I guess it was a little easier to fall asleep afterward, but I don't really need the help, yet.

19. Speaking of substance abuse, I think I have recently become dependent on coffee for energy. I'd like to relieve myself of the dependency, but I don't think I can afford to have the withdrawal period right now, with the thesis deadline looming. Maybe afterward.

20. As a kid, I once almost let myself drown. I was conscious that I was about to drown, but somehow laid-back or resigned about the whole thing. Fortunately my brother noticed and pulled me up before I lost consciousness.

21. I am missing one permanent tooth - it had to go because of a painful cavity that was too deep to just fill in. So remember kids, take care of your teeth!

22. I have been keeping track of what I eat for nearly five weeks now, and also trying to eat smaller meals, but more often. I don't know at this stage if it's just wishful thinking, but it seems to be working. I can comfortably tighten my belt a notch further than I used to be able to.

23. Even though I realize that grades aren't always a good measure of understanding, excellence, or intelligence, I still can't shake grade-consciousness. I blame the consistent high grades, always being in the honor section, et cetera. For instance, I still care about what grade I get for Bio 11, even though in the long run, just a passing grade would be enough (it's my only subject left!).

24. I would probably enjoy being in the academe and eventually becoming a professor, but for now I think I'd rather explore my options. However...

25. In the broadest sense, I still don't know what to do with my life. That's probably no surprise!

How to Enjoy a Meal at Yakiniku Senri (or an equivalent yakiniku restaurant)

Bring a group of friends. It's more fun to have a room to yourselves!

If it's your first time, try a variety of meats. Some excellent choices would be beef (karubi cut being one of the fattier and hence tastier), beef tongue (grilled tongue has a different texture from stewed or boiled tongue), and cuttlefish. (By that last sentence, I really mean: these were what we tried. We ended up ordering another plate of the karubi because it was so tasty.)

Personally, I found that the meats, sliced as thinly as they are, do not need to cook for very long. Especially if you prefer your meat a little rarer than usual. Set the fire as high as it can go, then just sear each piece on both sides. Dip in soy sauce, lemon juice, miso sauce, or a mixture of the three.

Kimchi is a great accompaniment to grilled meats, and itself can be heated on the grill, where it will pick up some of the meats' flavor.

Imported Japanese beers in the form of Asahi and Kirin are available, if a bit pricey. (They are much more flavorful than local beers, that's for sure.) They also have the traditional sake, of course.

Since it was the first time for most of us there, we didn't bother ordering anything that didn't need to be cooked on the grill, because, you know, what would be the point? But they also have a good selection of the usual Japanese suspects: sushi, sashimi, tempura, ramen, etc.

Last note: they open at 11am, then close for two hours at 3 to 5pm, then are open again until 5 in the morning. We were unlucky enough to have arrived there squarely in the middle of their break, and had to kill some time before we could actually eat.

Marker doodles

I've been using index cards instead of a scratch pad, and apart from being a couple of degrees more purely white, they're also thicker and able to handle more ink. Tried using my markers again, to fair results, I mean, for me:

Today's dump

Okay, so to be honest, right now I have quite low levels of enthusiasm and energy. 

I blame the disappointing sarswela we walked out of. The music was fine, but the actors should have had better, clearer diction. It made the dialogue that much harder to make out, in addition to the fact that it was in somewhat dated Filipino. 

So, personal verdict: waste of time. Should have gone home earlier.

At least I am deriving some entertainment from the Hellsing manga right now, as I procrastinate on my thesis and miscellaneous other things. 

Our ACLE today was about vampires, and basically we just showed clips of various appearances of the vampire character in different media and series, then one of our CL majors, Abby, did a slideshow comparing some of these incarnations to each other and to the original Eastern European myth. 

One of the clips we showed was from the Hellsing anime, and it was gory and fun so here I am, not getting any work done. 

Can't Touch This!

(collaborative doodle)

Some projections, flow charts.

Guns, Germs, and Steel

Essential idea: many biogeographical factors conspired to make the pace of the development of human civilization significantly faster on the Eurasian continent than on others (America, sub-Saharan Africa, Australia, and so on). This broad pattern resulted in Eurasian dominance for most of recorded history.

Very many details are given in support of this basic argument. Food production is discussed, as is the domestication of plants and animals, the diffusion of culture and technology, the complexification of societies, and so on. Admittedly, I am no expert on these matters, but as a scientifically-minded and interested party, consider me convinced. Although, perhaps there is a whiff of suspiciousness at how neatly everything seems to tie together, with almost no details given that would lead to conclusions contradictory to the desired ones. Without knowing more about the subject matter, though, that's just being paranoid.

I think that this kind of very big picture, very integrative thinking is refreshing and admirable, something to aspire to someday be able to do.

Five years later. (PS. Getting Things Done FAST)

Five years ago (February 2004): Advanced Big 30 Personality Test Results Sociability ||||||||||||||| 50% Gregariousness |||||||||||||||||| 58% Assertiveness |||||||||||| 38% Activity Level |||||||||||||||||| 54% Excitement-Seeking |||||||||||||||||| 54% Enthusiasm ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% Extroversion |||||||||||||||||| 54% Trust ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Morality |||||||||||||||||| 54% Altruism |||||||||||||||||| 58% Cooperation ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Modesty ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Sympathy ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Friendliness ||||||||||||||||||||| 61% Competence |||||||||||||||||| 54% Neatness ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Dutifulness |||||||||||||||||| 58% Achievement ||||||||||||||| 42% Self-Discipline ||||||||| 30% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||||| 54% Orderliness ||||||||||||||| 50% Anxiety ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% Anger ||||||||||||||| 42% Depression |||||||||||||||||| 54% Self-Consciousness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% Impulsiveness |||||||||||||||||| 54% Vulnerability ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Emotional Stability |||||||||||| 40% Imagination |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82% Artistic Interests |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86% Emotionality |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86% Adventurousness ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% Intellect |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% Liberalism ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% Openmindedness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%

Today (February 2009): Advanced Big 30 Personality Test Results Sociability ||| 9% Aggressiveness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 72% Assertiveness ||||||||| 27% Activity Level |||||||||||| 33% Excitement-Seeking ||| 5% Enthusiasm |||||||||||||||||| 60% Extroversion |||||||||||| 34% Trust |||||||||||| 40% Morality ||||||||||||||||||||| 67% Altruism ||| 4% Cooperation |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 89% Modesty |||||||||||||||||| 57% Sympathy ||||||||| 22% Accommodation ||||||||||||||| 46% Confidence |||||| 14% Neatness |||||| 16% Dutifulness |||||||||||| 33% Achievement |||||| 16% Self-Discipline ||||||||| 21% Cautiousness ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Orderliness ||||||||| 27% Anxiety |||||||||||||||||| 59% Volatility ||||||||||||||| 49% Depression |||||||||||||||||| 55% Self-Consciousness |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82% Impulsiveness ||||||||||||||| 47% Vulnerability |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78% Emotional Stability |||||||||||| 39% Imagination ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Artistic Interests |||||||||||||||||||||||| 75% Introspection ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 95% Adventurousness |||||||||||| 39% Intellect |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 84% Liberalism |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82% Openmindedness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 72% Take Free Advanced Big 30 Personality Test personality tests by similarminds.com

Summary:

Extroversion 54% -> 34%

Friendliness 61% -> 46%

Orderliness 50% -> 27%

Emotional Stability 40% -> 39%

Openmindedness 78% -> 72%

Hum. I can't say that it's particularly accurate in reflecting the changes that college has wrought in me. If you'll notice, the first three percentages above moved away from near the middle, 50%, to lower values. When in fact I would say that these three should have increased a little over the past five years.

Perhaps this just reflects a greater self-awareness; back then, I might have been just reluctant to admit that I wasn't as extroverted, friendly, or orderly as I thought I ought to be! Maybe they seemed rather more desirable to my younger self than they do now, to me.

Other weird details:

Sociability 50% -> 9%

Gregariousness 58% -> Aggressiveness 72%

Excitement-seeking 54% -> 5%

Neatness 62% -> 16%

Altruism 58% -> 4%

Adventurousness 70% -> 39%

So, yeah, closer inspection seems to indicate that this latest set of results is rather more inaccurate than I was expecting it to be. Maybe I'm not in a typical frame of mind right now, etc, etc.

In other news, although I was listening to Getting Things Done Fast almost the whole day, I didn't really get anything done except for some raket work. To be fair, though, what David Allen is saying makes a lot of sense, but right now I realize that I may have just been procrastinating with some "productivity porn". We'll see, we'll see, maybe I'll get around to implementing his Getting Things Done system in some form or other eventually (ZTD or Zen to Done is a rather appealing simplification, for example).

Just in case anyone else is interested:

Here's a download link for an audio copy of Feynman's What Do You Care What Other People Think?

Enjoy!

Guns, Germs, and Steel and nonfiction in general

Currently listening to Grover Gardner reading Jared Diamond's Guns, Germs, and Steel as a foray into nonfiction. From the summary the author himself gave in the opening chapters, it looks like it's going to be a fascinating take on (pre)history, tracing the "broadest patterns" that resulted in Eurasian dominance. Why was it that Eurasians were the ones to get their hands on guns, germs, and steel before anyone else, and hence were able to subsequently conquer and dominate most of the rest of the world? Diamond puts forth that it has to do, ultimately, with many factors rooted in prehistory, and not just proximate or immediate factors, which are, roughly speaking, the guns, germs and steel themselves. For example, in these past few chapters, he has been making a case for the favorable flora and fauna situation in Eurasia leading to an earlier shift in that continent from hunting and gathering into raising crops and domesticating animals. Which, in turn, of course, led to all the developments that comprise what we now usually term "civilization" with its (when you think about it) staggeringly complex relations and hierarchies and technologies.

What other works of nonfiction have you enjoyed lately or would you recommend? I'm interested in broadening my knowledge, and so works from any field, as long as they are interesting or worthwhile, are very welcome. Please leave a comment, thanks!

>RIDE COW:

He realizes that he has had enough of carrying that Retarded Cow around, and throws it down to the ground in a fit of rage. He goes over to that cow, and after he has gone over to the cow, why, he sits on it and takes it by the horns as if they were handlebars. Fortunately (or unfortunately), the cow in question is a stuffed cow, and though it does not buck him off and facilitate a gory, untimely death, neither will it actually take him anywhere. It does not even make for a comfortable seat.

He stands up and furtively kicks the stupid cow off the road to disappear forever.

[ALERTS: Jomel Imperio has lost a friend. 

Jomel Imperio has gained the status Mean to Retards, reducing his Karma by 5x his Compassion.]

So you want to be a writer?

(Charles Bukowski)

if it doesn't come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don't do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don't do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
typewriter
searching for words,
don't do it.
if you're doing it for money or
fame,
don't do it.
if you're doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don't do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don't do it.
if it's hard work just thinking about doing it,
don't do it.
if you're trying to write like somebody
else,
forget about it.
if you have to wait for it to roar out of
you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.

if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you're not ready.

don't be like so many writers,
don't be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don't be dull and boring and
pretentious, don't be consumed with self-
love.
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
sleep
over your kind.
don't add to that.
don't do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don't do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don't do it.

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.

there is no other way.

and there never was.

***  

I've seen this before as a young(er) writer-wannabe, and boy did it hit me hard. I didn't have any passion, I felt, and was only deluding myself based on some facility with the language and a love of reading. Now that I look at it again I become convinced that he was actually kidding, saying "Boo!" to newer writers while sending a slier wink/nudge to writers who have already earned their salt. Of course, I don't belong to the latter camp, not by a long shot, but still I feel somewhat relieved. 

Being a writer isn't always about just being the medium for almost supernatural inspiration (unless you were one of the authors of the Bible?), but also, sometimes, about working hard at this thing you want (desperately or not) to get right.

P.S. Second Bio 11 exam tomorrow. Too lazy to do any more studying. Maybe later again. I have to admit, though, I have never thought before that plants could be interesting. Just think about it, they're alive, but not sentient, or even mobile! Getting a closer look at all the processes involved and how their cells, tissues, and organs are organized just reinforces the creepiness, on some level I can't adequately explain right now, but has to do with the order emerging from the collusion of the (seemingly) blind, unintelligent behavior of tinier and tinier parts. (For all we know, Durkon could be right.)

My mission in life will be:

Bringing together (at the very least in my head) different disciplines: science, writing, art, philosophy, experience. Becoming something more than a professional dilettante, although that's undoubtedly going to be an intermediate step. In other words, as per this article, becoming an intellectual instead of an academic.

But, also, learning to live with others by first learning to live with myself. 

In a word, synthesis.

(Bow.)

Okay, so that was a little more serious than usual, so to silly things up a little:

(Second in the series of illustrations. This one's for this and this.)

Hey, self.

Today, you presented a 196 seminar, had a triple-espresso cappuccino while talking about the final happy days of college, attended a Phi Kappa Phi recognition ceremony in a barong and slacks and tappity black leather shoes, then had your first ever meal at Conti's, which turned out to have quite a good taste-to-price ratio. In the evening, you were too lazy to do anything of import, even though you had some raket work to be done. Screw that, it was much easier to be lazy, what an achiever you were. You truly deserved the recognition of an international honors society, self. 

View inventory, health:

[ALERT: Jomel Imperio has gained proficiency in: Biking.]

He is carrying (sorted in reverse order of acquisition):

a wet, smelly shirt [worn, auto-discard in 10 turns]

a Hard W.D. Disk [80% left]

a talisman of Koss' Auricular Invasion

a G-2 Pen [working]

a G-2 Pen [! wrong refill !]

Blank Scrolls

a Retarded Cow

a Small Blue Entity with One Tear on Its Cheek

4 Rosaries of varying Provenance

no Bikes

no Money no Gold no Zenny no Honey

He has 75% (192/256) health points and 50% (50/100) mental points due to the following effects:

Blistercalluses of the Novice Biker [150 turns left]

Soremuscles of Exertion [100 turns left]

Esguerra's Preoccupation [1400 turns left]

Senioritis [3000+ turns left]

View status? (y/n/q)

Jomel Imperio is currently 20 years, 6 months, and 21 days old, stands 172 cm tall, and weighs about as much as 23 middling-sized Infants.

He is Enrolled in the Bachelor of Science in Physics program at the National Institute of Physics, University of the Philippines Diliman, and will be until April 2009. He is undertaking 1 quest and has 0 quests in his Life Queue. He can take on 0 more quests until the next Experience Level.

He is in a Relationship that has been going on for 2 years, 11 months, and 5 days.

He is highly skilled in Test Taking, Procrastination, Omphaloskepsis, Underachievement, Fuddling, and Ulterior Design. He is moderately skilled in Physics, Math (Non-rigorous), Writing (SEO), Writing (Creative), Doodlecrafting, Getting Inebriated, and Music Appreciation. He is barely proficient in Motivation, Programming, Fashion, Conversation (Normal), and Self-Evaluation.

He has 18 friends*, 0 enemies, and <100 acquaintances. 

*You know what they say: if you have to ask, you're not on the list.

For your consideration: an illustrated prose excerpt.

So I've been trying to get myself used to doing creative work such as doodling and writing, and have been doing so by working on small pieces. Doodles, (very) short prose excerpts, and so on. Eventually, I should be able to build my stamina and be able to tackle more ambitious works (illustrations? actual stories?), right?

So anyway, this prose excerpt and this doodle go together, okay? Here they are.

The dog did not seem to be too happy about being stuck on the seat of the chair beside me, fairly high above the ground, and made its discomfort known by cowering and refusing to respond to any of my advances. It didn’t seem to see anything but the ground so far down, maybe its beady eyes could not handle the bright morning sunshine, or did it know something I did not? I had to stop myself from standing up and looking around. What was I coming to, getting the jitters from a furry little puppy?

The house was silent, and I should have been relieved, after all, I was alone. Left alone again to mind the house while everyone else’s lives took them elsewhere on this fine cloudless weekend. A real lull of a Sunday this was turning out to be, but I was not complaining. A veteran of lulls, I already knew that the fastest way to make the situation worse would be to start finding things to complain about. So despite not having the faintest idea of what I wanted to do that day, there I was sunning myself on the porch with the poor shivering dog. I did not feel like doing anything at all.

The past week had passed quietly by. I had ceased to mind the featurelessness of each day a long time ago. Of course I could have quite easily recalled what I had at every meal for the past seven days, give or take a salad here or there, but cosmetic differences aside, every day had been, and seemed poised to continue to be, like the last. Imagine a wall, high enough to hide the other side from sight. Extend one arm until the tips of your fingers brush against the stone, walk and keep walking with your hand touching the wall, and there you would have most of my life. There were times when I thought I was bound to at least find an opening, a crack, or even at least find out what sort of shape the wall was bounding, but it curved so slowly - if it even did! - as to seem straight. So I never did find anything. It seemed that the act itself of tracing a hypothetical wall was enough for me.

So immersed was I in thought that the first few yips caught me off guard and had me wondering for a while what they were. That mound of fur, of course, every puppy eventually finds their voice when they need to, no matter how tiny. I had no choice but to take him back inside. I supposed he had gotten too used to the cool and the dark, and true enough, once I had set him back down on the floor he stopped his yipping and scurried off to huddle in a corner. I decided I might as well fix myself a sandwich, it did not seem like anyone was coming home soon.

"Gimik" with Ateneo boys

Okay, so maybe it's just our particular group, but whenever we go out it's usually just for a meal and a movie. Maybe with a few hours of DotA (network gaming) thrown in. It's odd to realize that we've never gone drinking, even though we probably individually go drinking with our respective college groups, etc. We should try it out before Amarra leaves in May. (thinking)

So today was not much different from usual. DotA (which we suck at now), Benjamin Button (which was good but long-ish), dinner, dessert. Good, clean fun.

ALSO: Second snippet up at my word-tumblr. Click.

Valiant Dross: 1

I liked the Tumblr interface well enough to create a new one (link), to be filled with words instead of doodles like my first one (link). Reposting the first valiantdross entry here, for now.

***

1

The dog did not seem to be too happy about being stuck on the seat of the chair beside me, fairly high above the ground, and made its discomfort known by cowering and refusing to respond to any of my advances. It didn't seem to see anything but the ground so far down, maybe its beady eyes could not handle the bright morning sunshine, or did it know something I did not? I had to stop myself from standing up and looking around. What was I coming to, getting the jitters from a furry little puppy?

The house was silent, and I should have been relieved, after all, I was alone. Left alone again to mind the house while everyone else's lives took them elsewhere on this fine cloudless weekend. A real lull of a Sunday this was turning out to be, but I was not complaining. A veteran of lulls, I already knew that the fastest way to make the situation worse would be to start finding things to complain about. So despite not having the faintest idea of what I wanted to do that day, there I was sunning myself on the porch with the poor shivering dog. I did not feel like doing anything at all.

The past week had passed quietly by. I had ceased to mind the featurelessness of each day a long time ago. Of course I could have quite easily recalled what I had at every meal for the past seven days, give or take a salad here or there, but cosmetic differences aside, every day had been, and seemed poised to continue to be, like the last. Imagine a wall, high enough to hide the other side from sight. Extend one arm until the tips of your fingers brush against the stone, walk and keep walking with your hand touching the wall, and there you would have most of my life. There were times when I thought I was bound to at least find an opening, a crack, or even at least find out what sort of shape the wall was bounding, but it curved so slowly - if it even did! - as to seem straight. So I never did find anything. It seemed that the act itself of tracing a hypothetical wall was enough for me.

So immersed was I in thought that the first few yips caught me off guard and had me wondering for a while what they were. That mound of fur, of course, every puppy eventually finds their voice when they need to, no matter how tiny. I had no choice but to take him back inside. I supposed he had gotten too used to the cool and the dark, and true enough, once I had set him back down on the floor he stopped his yipping and scurried off to huddle in a corner. I decided I might as well fix myself a sandwich, it did not seem like anyone was coming home soon.

Thirty people meme

From birthdaymate and org president Racine.

Instructions:
* Next to each number, write the name of the person who fits the description.
* Answer one question with one name.
* Don't reveal the questions to anyone who isn't doing the meme.
Those who want to know what the questions are must do the meme on their own blogs.

1. Mayraluna Lao
2. Anthony Amarra
3. Raj Olympia
4. Nadi Abubakar
5. Samantha Hautea
6. Michael Solis
7. I... don't know any of these people.
8. Raj Olympia
9. Jeanne Arroyo
10. Rica Mercado
11. Marge Maallo
12. Angela Beatriz Imperio, especially in the future
13. I... don't know any of these people either.
14. Bei Suarez
15. Aragorn Inocencio
16. Bill Cabal
17. AD Alarilla
18. Kate Dy
19. Mikhail Solon
20. Dr. Perry Esguerra
21. I don't know...
22. ...what these two questions mean, sorry.
23. Dr. Perry Esguerra
24. Again, I don't think I know any of these people. (I don't know a lot of people, apparently.)
25. Jomel Imperio
26. Jomel Imperio
27. Jesus Christ
28. Anthony Amarra
29. Jeanne Arroyo
30. Don't worry, be happy.

Okay, another doodle in lieu of an update. Am sleepy. Is all right.

Don't we all feel like this, sometimes?

Puppies!

We have two new puppies, a brown one (no breed, but still a nice chocolate-y color), and a shih tzu. Well, to be honest, we don't exactly have the greatest track record with dogs (they tend to die of sickness, injury, or old age), and zero experience with training them. 

I'm hoping I or someone else will finally drum up some enthusiasm for caring for our new dogs. They're such cute little things!

Okay, to pre-empt requests for pictures, here are some dogs that kind of sort of look like them:

A man-goose, horse-dinosaur, dog, cat in a hat, rat, some hands, a "house", a "wall", etc.

(Slightly bigger copy up here.)

***

Got grad pics today! (Check out my contact prints here if you haven't seen them yet.) They turned out okay enough, although my hair was still in the process of growing out from having been shaved a few months before, hence the gelled 'do. 

Any more takers? I've already exchanged pictures with some people, and now I only have, oh. Huh. Only one creative shot photo left for giving away. (Haha, ang cheap ko kasi, dapat kinuha ko na yung mas maraming prints.) This one:

Come and get it, people! :D 

In which I talk about five different things.

1. My diet, some thoughts on greens

It's been a week since I started keeping track of what I eat in a Google Calendar. I think I've been mostly successful at 1) eating more fruits and vegetables (and less meat), 2) eating smaller portions, and 3) eating more often. I have also been drinking more water, not that I've been drinking too little in the past. Now I haven't yet begun keeping track of my weight, and in any case I doubt a mere week would have had an effect already. 

One simple thing that really helps me eat more healthily is keeping some salad greens handy. At about seventy pesos per prewashed bag of mixed greens, it may seem pricey, but each bag lasts a long time (especially if you're the only one eating them!), up to a week. Beats the hassle of buying separate heads of different greens, washing them, making sure they don't wilt, etc. 

As to eating them, it's easy enough to toss together a salad, or put them on a simple sandwich, and so on. For instance, savory meat dishes such as caldereta, menudo, and the like go great with whole wheat bread, a bed of greens, and a drizzle of spicy vinegar. (Or am I just being weird?)

2. Exercise (or the lack thereof)

But I'm still not exercising. That first step in resuming exercise from a long period of inactivity is always the hardest.

3. Work (or the lack thereof)

Neither have I made much additional progress on my thesis (the first draft of which is due in seven weeks), or my seminar presentation (due in three weeks EDIT: two weeks!). What's worse is that I haven't been doing anything else. I don't have any justification for my lack of productivity except the rather thin one of having a hangover from the holidays. 

I haven't been doing anything but churning out those horrible money-grubbing articles every few days. I might not have done even that if they didn't have three-day deadlines, and without the looming threat of the thesis deadline to procrastinate about.

4. Patterns

Food, check. Lack of exercise, check. Lack of productivity, check. Now all this entry needs is a healthy dose of griping and airing out of frustrations, and I'd've covered everything I usually talk about!

5. Jose Saramago's The Cave

Oh, before I forget, I at least have the consolation of having read a good book recently: The Cave by Jose Saramago. On the surface, okay, it's an allegory of Big Capitalism trampling upon the aging Traditional Craftsman, but that's far from the main point. 

Saramago demonstrates here once again his grasp of the rhythms of dialogue and internal monologue as he employs his trademark page-spanning sentences and stream-of-consciousness prose to great effect. He takes the reader on a slow, sympathetic journey through an old potter, Cipriano Algor's, attempts to come to terms with life's inevitable changes. In the process we meet the few people (and a dog) that make up his family and small social circle, and are caught up in their concerns and relationships.

So, nothing much happens, but you do end up caring about how the characters handle and react to what little does.

All in a day's work.

I have realized that no words will summarize this day nearly as well as this picture.

Also today I drew a lot of different tiny cells that make up different stem cross sections, and I enjoyed it. I also enjoyed working on root cross sections last meeting. That moment when you finally finish filling in all the spaces with cells of appropriate sizes and shapes, when the patterns you observed and then carefully copied and laid out finally pay off, that moment, my friends, is exactly the moment you find captured above.

(Bored? More doodles here.)

Yes, unfortunately for you, the author has been reading Saramago again, and, no, he is deeply sorry to admit, but he cannot help himself.

Okay, so perhaps blogging everyday wasn't such a great idea, after all, and I'm not saying that just because I missed another day, but also because, well, when I really think about it, for the most part, nothing much differentiates each day of my existence from the other but tiny fluctuations in the only trajectory allowed by the third law of thermodynamics, a death spiral of mediocrity ending in absolute zero. 

Well, perhaps I exaggerate a bit, sometimes the upward fluctuations can be uplifting enough to temporarily dull the steady ache of being, like how fifteen minutes of fireworks can make people forget for the moment that no matter how high their hopes are, changes for the better will always be more difficult than changes for the worse, and that someone always has to clean up the resulting debris, which is not to say that all debris is worthless, because while some debris represents nothing but necessary labor, other debris may well represent the shell of something once great from which that something may be, even if reconstruction is impossible, at least appreciated one last time.

In any case, I do not think I am depressed, nor am I feeling down, nor am I in any emotional state but regret-tinged acceptance, it must be just that, on those unfortunate occasions when the weather conspires with laziness and introspection and my mental circumstances, regret and frustration are stained and stand out much too clearly for my liking or for anybody's liking, I might venture, because, we need to face it, only those strong enough of will or blessed enough by the supernatural can realistically hope to gain anything from prolonged self-interrogation, and for the rest of us, fuddlers and befuddled all, what remains is simple to say but not always to do, which is, in a word, persist. Like hope.

Drat, I broke my streak. (Mundanities, a timely reminder)

I had been blogging everyday since... December 28, but I missed a day yesterday. I wasn't in the mood last night, even though I was just procrastinating on a batch of raket articles to be rewritten. (Which I need to finish this morning, but I'm still not feeling like it, blech. Which is why I'm blogging right now instead of doing them.)

Well, to start off with some mundanities, I've been somewhat successful at trying to improve my diet. I've started keeping a Google Calendar, and I'm noting down what I eat, which is rather effective at making me more aware of what exactly I put into my mouth. Eating less, more often, and also eating more plant parts like leaves and mature reproductive organs. Meat from sea animals, too, unless there isn't any available. More water.

However, still haven't gotten around to exercising again. It is thought in some camps that diet >> exercise in terms of losing weight, anyway, except in the case of severe caloric restriction where you'd have to exercise in order to keep your metabolism from slowing. But overall, exercise may just yield second order effects. I forget which article I read that in, hmm. (Excuses. It'd still be better for me to get some cardio to keep the hypertension at bay.)

Mundanities out of the way, Jeanne recently linked me to this article on Cosmic Variance: The Cult of Genius. Hmm, sounds suspiciously like one of the reasons why I'm not so keen at the moment on pursuing higher education/ an academic career in physics. 

During high school or college, many aspiring physicists latch onto Feynman or Einstein or Hawking as representing all they hope to become. The problem is, the vast majority of us are just not that smart. Oh sure, we’re plenty clever, and are whizzes at figuring out the tip when the check comes due, but we’re not Feynman-Einstein-Hawking smart. We go through a phase where we hope that we are, and then reality sets in, and we either (1) deal, (2) spend the rest of our career trying to hide the fact that we’re not, or (3) drop out. It’s always bugged the crap out of me that physicists’ worship of genius conveys the simultaneous message that if you’re not F-E-H smart, then what good are you? In physics recommendation land, there is no more damning praise than saying someone is a “hard worker”.

Well, screw that. Yes, you have to be clever, but if you have good taste in problems, an ability to forge intellectual connections, an eye for untapped opportunities, drive, and yes, a willingness to work hard, you can have major impacts on the field.

Oh, whew. I don't have drive, nor am I a hard worker (most of the time, anyway), so I guess my decision wasn't too presumptuous. 

And, in any case, I suspect that I'm only having ego issues seeing other people enjoying their physics more and doing better work than I do. Boo hoo hoo. Well, guess what, self, time to buck up and move on. Tapusin mo na muna ang thesis mo bago ka magpaka-soul-searching diyan.