Less alcohol, more caffeine. Less eating, more exercising. Less sleeping in, more rising early. Less coasting, more awareness. Less consumption, more creation.
Less diffidence, more initiative. Less settling, more thoroughness. Less introspection, more expression. Less idleness, more action.
Less moping, more walking. Less regret, more excitement. Less worrying, more doing.
Less cowering, more dancing.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Sunday, January 01, 2012
Hello, 2012.
I should’ve met you on my feet and started the new year with some forward motion, any motion, however small. I should’ve cleaned up my room, my computer, and gone through the items remaining on my before-I-go-back-to-SG list. I should’ve hunkered down, shut myself in my room, and sat down to have a nice long thorough think.
Well. Instead, I gave in to a thoroughly lazy, improvement-free Sunday filled with food, naps, Fire Emblem: Shadow Dragon, Gilmore Girls, and more food. The night is drawing to a close and it’s only now that my guilty conscience rears its head, waggles a finger, tut-tuts.
So, here we are, here I am. Which is where, exactly? Well. It’s the first day of the year and I’ve shut myself in my room and just lazed about, leading to this horrible guilty first night of the year. Maybe it’s delayed onset holiday depression, but I’m feeling rather lonely and especially unsure of myself and what I’m doing with my life.
For instance, I’ve been back home for a month, yet I haven’t really done much with my time. Worked (admittedly, this did take up most of my time and energy), went out a couple of times with the few friends I have remaining, treated my nieces to fast food and ice cream and the like a few times, and of course performed the requisite Christmas season pigging out. I feel like I haven’t made the most of my time here.
In particular, I believe what’s really bugging me is that, despite all historical evidence, I had been hoping that I would somehow automagically emerge wiser, more in charge, surer of myself, and happier at the other end of this little trip. Talk about high, unrealistic expectations, right? Yet even though I do realize that, it still is a major bummer that, instead, I’m still here where I’ve always been and where, it seems, I’m fated to stay.
Maybe I’m looking at things all wrong and all I really need to do is to make peace with my stupid, unempathetic, waffly, oblivious, useless, depressive, physically, morally, and mentally flabby self. (Or maybe I’m just once again resorting to the tired self-deprecation trick in lieu of coming to actual useful conclusions.)
Well, I suppose I’ll allow myself to stay in this mood for a while longer. Calmer reflection has convinced me (somewhat, or maybe I’m just getting sleepy and tiring of this fruitless line of thought) that this is a normal feeling that should pass soon enough. Feeling unsure and sad about one’s life doesn’t indicate that everything’s wrong and is headed for ruin, and in fact, it doesn’t necessarily indicate that anything at all is wrong.
I’m not saying that I don’t think there’s room for improvement in my life, because there is perhaps a couple of warehouses’ worth of room, but that, I guess, it’s counterproductive and stupid to let vague little doubts grow into vague large doubts.
I can and will do better this year. A little too undefined for a mantra, perhaps, but it’s at least an optimistic start. Here’s to us, 2012. Hajimemashite, douzo yoroshiku onegaishimasu.
Well. Instead, I gave in to a thoroughly lazy, improvement-free Sunday filled with food, naps, Fire Emblem: Shadow Dragon, Gilmore Girls, and more food. The night is drawing to a close and it’s only now that my guilty conscience rears its head, waggles a finger, tut-tuts.
So, here we are, here I am. Which is where, exactly? Well. It’s the first day of the year and I’ve shut myself in my room and just lazed about, leading to this horrible guilty first night of the year. Maybe it’s delayed onset holiday depression, but I’m feeling rather lonely and especially unsure of myself and what I’m doing with my life.
For instance, I’ve been back home for a month, yet I haven’t really done much with my time. Worked (admittedly, this did take up most of my time and energy), went out a couple of times with the few friends I have remaining, treated my nieces to fast food and ice cream and the like a few times, and of course performed the requisite Christmas season pigging out. I feel like I haven’t made the most of my time here.
In particular, I believe what’s really bugging me is that, despite all historical evidence, I had been hoping that I would somehow automagically emerge wiser, more in charge, surer of myself, and happier at the other end of this little trip. Talk about high, unrealistic expectations, right? Yet even though I do realize that, it still is a major bummer that, instead, I’m still here where I’ve always been and where, it seems, I’m fated to stay.
Maybe I’m looking at things all wrong and all I really need to do is to make peace with my stupid, unempathetic, waffly, oblivious, useless, depressive, physically, morally, and mentally flabby self. (Or maybe I’m just once again resorting to the tired self-deprecation trick in lieu of coming to actual useful conclusions.)
Well, I suppose I’ll allow myself to stay in this mood for a while longer. Calmer reflection has convinced me (somewhat, or maybe I’m just getting sleepy and tiring of this fruitless line of thought) that this is a normal feeling that should pass soon enough. Feeling unsure and sad about one’s life doesn’t indicate that everything’s wrong and is headed for ruin, and in fact, it doesn’t necessarily indicate that anything at all is wrong.
I’m not saying that I don’t think there’s room for improvement in my life, because there is perhaps a couple of warehouses’ worth of room, but that, I guess, it’s counterproductive and stupid to let vague little doubts grow into vague large doubts.
I can and will do better this year. A little too undefined for a mantra, perhaps, but it’s at least an optimistic start. Here’s to us, 2012. Hajimemashite, douzo yoroshiku onegaishimasu.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Short but happy
Splurged on a Fiio E7 DAC/headphone amp and a Grado adaptor to replace my dinky cheap one (which did last me a year), and am currently in the process of ooh-ing and aah-ing over the increased detail, crispness, differentiation, resolution, dynamism, insert-some-other-audiophile-term-I'm-not-really-worthy-of-casting-about of music I thought I already knew. How much of this is attributable to a placebo effect, I wouldn't really know. Merry Consumermas!
We've also released! Such a relief. Of course now the onslaught of bugs, but that's still preferable to antsy anticipation. Bring it on!
We've also released! Such a relief. Of course now the onslaught of bugs, but that's still preferable to antsy anticipation. Bring it on!
Monday, December 26, 2011
Home stretch
The all-too-brief holiday weekend is over and it’s time to kick off another workweek. I didn’t really want to go back to work just yet (it was perhaps a horrible idea to decide to try to get into Oblivion again when I know I won’t really have time to play and in any case will be leaving the country and my gaming desktop behind in a week or so).
I should cheer myself up with some happy music, some happy thoughts. As ever though, it’s quite a struggle against my natural melancholy inclinations (I suppose that makes it sound less pathetic than it actually is), and the composition of my music library isn’t helping at all. (That seems like a worthwhile New Year project: liven up and diversify my music!)
I think it’s partly barely having had any vacation time or time off this whole month I’ve been home, and partly that this interlude is ending soon and I’ll be heading back to Singapore to live and work there once more. I can’t say that the prospect isn’t exciting -- getting my time to myself again, being in the First World, having a room to myself, not having to commute -- but at the same time I suppose I’m beginning to realize that there are a lot of things about being back home that I’ll miss: home-cooked food, being around the family (despite the persistent distance), being around the few friends I have left in the country, the places and people I bump into on my daily routine here, and the basic familiarity of the language, the culture, how everything looks and sounds and feels.
At the same time, I also feel as if I wasted this opportunity to reconsider and re-evaluate the course of my life. In a week or two I’ll once again be swept out of the country and back into the life I’ve been leading for the past year. This more-than-a-month-long sojourn should’ve provided me with some time to get much-needed perspective and finally do the thinking I feel I’ve been putting off for too long, but, well, it hasn’t seemed to yet.
I should cheer myself up with some happy music, some happy thoughts. As ever though, it’s quite a struggle against my natural melancholy inclinations (I suppose that makes it sound less pathetic than it actually is), and the composition of my music library isn’t helping at all. (That seems like a worthwhile New Year project: liven up and diversify my music!)
I think it’s partly barely having had any vacation time or time off this whole month I’ve been home, and partly that this interlude is ending soon and I’ll be heading back to Singapore to live and work there once more. I can’t say that the prospect isn’t exciting -- getting my time to myself again, being in the First World, having a room to myself, not having to commute -- but at the same time I suppose I’m beginning to realize that there are a lot of things about being back home that I’ll miss: home-cooked food, being around the family (despite the persistent distance), being around the few friends I have left in the country, the places and people I bump into on my daily routine here, and the basic familiarity of the language, the culture, how everything looks and sounds and feels.
At the same time, I also feel as if I wasted this opportunity to reconsider and re-evaluate the course of my life. In a week or two I’ll once again be swept out of the country and back into the life I’ve been leading for the past year. This more-than-a-month-long sojourn should’ve provided me with some time to get much-needed perspective and finally do the thinking I feel I’ve been putting off for too long, but, well, it hasn’t seemed to yet.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Just a general update.
So, it's been a pretty crazy December so far, and I can't really believe that it's about to be over soon. I've been back in the country for almost three weeks now, yet I haven't really been doing much apart from getting buried in work.
It's been gratifying, sure, but the constant pressure and stress isn't doing any wonders for my already precarious mental well-being. Okay, being overly dramatic aside, I haven't really been able to settle down and have a good long think about all the things I've been meaning to have a good long think about.
My routine has mostly been: wake up when I wake up (usually just a few hours before lunch time), go out to have coffee and read or listen to music somewhere, then take a cab to work. Work until late (staying and sleeping over if necessary, though now there isn't an extra room to crash in so I've actually only done this once), then go home and turn off my brain and relax until I fall asleep. Rinse and repeat.
I notice that I've been rather free with my money since I got back. Not to a crazy extent, I don't think, but when I stop to think about it I do feel small pangs of guilt. (But I get over it.)
I don't feel entitled to go on for much longer about my own petty problems in the light of the recent flashflooding disaster in Cagayan de Oro and Iligan. This is going to accomplish nothing, not even assuage my throbbing conscience (I have one?), but here's a pretty useful list of ways to donate and help out: http://www.nowpinoy.com/typhoon-sendong-how-to-help/
(A more socially-minded and knowledgeable person would take this opportunity to talk about the environmental issues that caused the flooding, and perhaps suggest ways to improve the state of our disaster prevention, warning, and relief infrastructure. Just saying.)
Alright, regardless of the fact that this is my blog and I can write anything I want, I think I shall still resist segueing into another round of bootless introspection and personal woe-tallying. Life goes on.
It's been gratifying, sure, but the constant pressure and stress isn't doing any wonders for my already precarious mental well-being. Okay, being overly dramatic aside, I haven't really been able to settle down and have a good long think about all the things I've been meaning to have a good long think about.
My routine has mostly been: wake up when I wake up (usually just a few hours before lunch time), go out to have coffee and read or listen to music somewhere, then take a cab to work. Work until late (staying and sleeping over if necessary, though now there isn't an extra room to crash in so I've actually only done this once), then go home and turn off my brain and relax until I fall asleep. Rinse and repeat.
I notice that I've been rather free with my money since I got back. Not to a crazy extent, I don't think, but when I stop to think about it I do feel small pangs of guilt. (But I get over it.)
I don't feel entitled to go on for much longer about my own petty problems in the light of the recent flashflooding disaster in Cagayan de Oro and Iligan. This is going to accomplish nothing, not even assuage my throbbing conscience (I have one?), but here's a pretty useful list of ways to donate and help out: http://www.nowpinoy.com/typhoon-sendong-how-to-help/
(A more socially-minded and knowledgeable person would take this opportunity to talk about the environmental issues that caused the flooding, and perhaps suggest ways to improve the state of our disaster prevention, warning, and relief infrastructure. Just saying.)
Alright, regardless of the fact that this is my blog and I can write anything I want, I think I shall still resist segueing into another round of bootless introspection and personal woe-tallying. Life goes on.
Wednesday, December 07, 2011
Back in the Philippines
So, I've been back in the motherland for almost a week now, and I still haven't gotten into a good routine. I'm not used to having to factor in commute time when considering things such as what time to wake up and what time to start working (not to mention the experience of commuting and taking public transportation here again).
Haven't even visited all the old haunts yet - have yet to hang out at UP. Did spend a delicious, lazy, gluttonous weekend in Bulacan for a thanksgiving-type fiesta last weekend (lechon! kakanin! utter idleness!).
Haven't met up with anybody yet. I am friendless and aloof. Or just lazy.
Glad to finally have woken up early today, at least, though it was really a fluke more than anything intentional. Maybe today's the day I can start a productive routine again. (Or I could take this morning time and spend it finishing Snow Crash in UP, the weather seems nice and cool...)
Haven't even visited all the old haunts yet - have yet to hang out at UP. Did spend a delicious, lazy, gluttonous weekend in Bulacan for a thanksgiving-type fiesta last weekend (lechon! kakanin! utter idleness!).
Haven't met up with anybody yet. I am friendless and aloof. Or just lazy.
Glad to finally have woken up early today, at least, though it was really a fluke more than anything intentional. Maybe today's the day I can start a productive routine again. (Or I could take this morning time and spend it finishing Snow Crash in UP, the weather seems nice and cool...)
Thursday, December 01, 2011
Presents
I've never been the gift-giving type. I never know what to give people, and even though I sometimes get the urge to do so, I hesitate because it seems like it would somehow be unfair if I started giving gifts only selectively, but then it seems overwhelming to have to think of giving gifts even just to my very small circle of family, friends, and acquaintances.
Perhaps I'm just too prematurely self-conscious about it, fearing that recipients wouldn't like whatever I get them, and that this would just make them hate or pity me all the more (if they don't already thoroughly loathe me, but then again, I suppose I really wouldn't be giving gifts to those people now, would I?).
It's December, and Christmas is just around the corner, and I'm not yet sure if I'm getting anyone anything. On the other hand, maybe I can guilt myself into finally getting over my stupid fear by thinking of all that I've received over the years, and how now it's time to give back. Hmm, no, not working.
Perhaps I'm just too prematurely self-conscious about it, fearing that recipients wouldn't like whatever I get them, and that this would just make them hate or pity me all the more (if they don't already thoroughly loathe me, but then again, I suppose I really wouldn't be giving gifts to those people now, would I?).
It's December, and Christmas is just around the corner, and I'm not yet sure if I'm getting anyone anything. On the other hand, maybe I can guilt myself into finally getting over my stupid fear by thinking of all that I've received over the years, and how now it's time to give back. Hmm, no, not working.
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