The evolution of an essay (part 1)

Here's the first part of the revised essay. Will be posting parts as they finish being revised, and then the complete essay once it's finally done. (Talk about shameless.)

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Situationer

I am twenty years old; I am in my fifth and final year of an undergraduate course in physics in the University of the Philippines Diliman; I have no clear idea of what I want to be doing once I leave college; I would like to, hence this essay.


Physics, the academe, and research

It would be easiest and most logical to simply finish what I've begun, and continue working my way into the academe. I am taking BS Physics, which prepares students for careers in research, as opposed to BS Applied Physics, which prepares students for being useful and actually earning money. I have some potential for it, shown arguably by my magna cum laude standing. I am not averse to the academic life, and indeed I can see myself enjoying the intellectual exertions of independent research, not to mention the relative freedom that it can afford.

In comparison to quite a few people however, most of whom I have met in the Theoretical Physics Group, I feel like an imposter. I envy them for their enthusiasm and strong sense of belonging. These people would marry physics and live happily ever after; I just meet her once in a while for sex. We have been at it for four years, and like any normal girl would she has been putting pressure on me to finally commit.

Working harder is the delightfully generic prescription for any and all doubts, insecurities, or lack of motivation. Since thesis year is the culmination of a long period of study, and supposedly another step closer to a career in physics research, it has been getting more and more unreasonable not to hurry and swallow that particular pill already.

That is not to say that it has become easier or more likely to happen. But any way I try to envision a future full-time physics career, it always involves much more dedication, much more discipline than I currently possess. Or the more creative application thereof, which would still require conscious, sustained effort on my part.

In the movies, it would take no more than a heart-cockle-warming montage for me to suddenly appreciate the time we have had together and finally realize that she is the girl of my dreams. If only I were charming enough to be an actor!

(Abangan ang susunod na kabanata.)