After several hours of being awake

Things seem still. Melancholy, exacerbated by Murakami overdose.

But what is there to do. Games have lost their attraction. I don't think reading books or listening to music would, and thankfully they haven't. Yet. Forget about doing something productive. Much more of this and I don't know what could happen.

I should get out of the house, take a walk. Make myself feel closer to the world.

Transcribing someone else's stream of consciousness

I signed up for this Skype transcription gig some time back. Never really got into it - the time and effort, especially for fast speakers or bad quality audio, hardly seemed the low rate. Still, the potential was there for the audio to be interesting, and then I could think of the pay as just a bonus for having spent some time listening to an interesting conversation.

Recently I found myself checking the available files for transcription, and found that there were a whole lot of files from this guy in New York who walks around and uses Skype as a sort of audio journal. Pretty interesting, listening in to someone else's stream of consciousness. Let's see how many files I can transcribe before the novelty wears off.

Escapism, or Unfortunately, I am not a figment of the imagination

You know what I want to do? Save up some money, make up a plausible excuse to be gone a couple of days. Then disappear alone. I don't know where I'd go, and it doesn't really matter too much. It just has to be somewhere I've never been before. And somewhere I wouldn't accidentally meet someone I knew. Somewhere to be alone.

This might just be more escapism, but I really feel that such an experience would help me get a better grip on myself. Yeah right, wishful thinking.

These past two weeks, I feel like I've let myself get into a real rut. Each day brought the same vague worrying about my lack of progress, and continued inaction. Each day I would refuse to face these feelings, choosing instead to immerse myself in Murakami's fiction, music, and the interactions of strangers and friends on the Internet.

All the while, of course, rationalizing to myself that this state of affairs would only be temporary. That there was really nothing I could do, that I deserved a break. That I needed to relax and just let the image of what I want to do form by itself. To an extent these are all true, as all rationalizations are.

But only to an extent; no matter how peaceful, a rut is a rut. Things like this can't go on forever. I need to feel that I myself am creating something, bringing something of worth into this world. Being someone of worth.

The difference between me and a protagonist in a Murakami novel? No supernatural forces are going to shake me out of my self-imposed stupor. No beautiful, mysterious, troubled woman is going to appear and turn my world around.

I'm going to have to change my reality by myself.

On navel-gazing, lack of motivation, fear of failure, and personal development.

Shortly after I started blogging/journalling more than five years ago, I've held onto the assumption that if only I could understand my self enough to write about my situation accurately and comprehensively, it'd make dealing with it, if not exactly easy, at least seem possible. A worthy enough goal.

And so, many times when I would feel sad and frustrated and clueless, I'd dutifully attempt to chronicle my thoughts on whatever issues happened to be bothering me presently. I have to say, this resulted in some of my most cringe-worthy journal entries. Reading the earnest spoutings of a naive earlier self is embarrassing, to say the least.

However, while understanding is part of the battle, it's not really the part that I have the most trouble with. I'm too good at rationalizing. It's too easy for me to get caught up in concocting explanations for all the different aspects of the situation, without getting any closer to a resolution. In pessimistic moods, I can overthink and dwell on the perceived consequences of failure even before taking any action.

I suppose writing this now is mostly just more of the same, but somehow I have to believe that I know better know, hah! (Obvious spoiler: No, I don't.)

Ever since I've been self-aware enough to doubt and second-guess, I've been frustrated with my lack of motivation. Sure, I can understand, or at least drum up reason upon reason, why I should be doing something, but the punch, the visceral feeling of desire has rarely been there. All the reasons for all the different things convince me of nothing but my own confusion. No changes occur. I continue to drift, holding down a vague dissatisfaction.

“But knowing what I don’t want to do doesn’t help me figure out what I do want to do. I could do just about anything if somebody made me. But I don’t have an image of the one thing I really want to do. That’s my problem now. I can’t find the image.” - Toru Okada, protagonist of Haruki Murakami's The Wind-up Bird Chronicle

Sometimes it scares me to think that this is true for me as well. That I could do just about anything if somebody made me. What would that make me, who would I be then? Other times, it just gives me a feeling of peace, thinking that whatever happens, I'll be able to deal. Blissful passivity.

Should I be smacking myself in the face?

When there's a will, there's a way. What do you do when you can see many different ways, but really can't conjure the will to follow any of them? It's easy to say, try them on, and see what fits, but again, where is the will? As I see it, I can generate possibilities rationally, but seemingly lack the capability to become emotionally invested in any of them, to effectively and consistently bridge the gap between intention and action.

I've been on a self-help kick lately, and, I've got to say, that stuff isn't quite as bad as it used to seem to me. A lot of it is useless fluff, to be sure, but there are genuine insights to be had. And sure, maybe a lot of it is common sense. But as I continue to explore the personal development literature, I get the feeling that these guys are saying essentially the same things not because these things are trivial, but precisely because they're true. But it's hard to swallow common sense when it's coming from someone else, and it's easy to fool ourselves and say, yeah, yeah, we understand all that - even though we're not really living as if we do. And so they have to repeat themselves until we really really get it.

Someone just told me, hey, you're just afraid of failure because your fragile pride can't handle it. I have to say that I agree. I've never had to deal with real failure before, perhaps because I've so assiduously avoided even the slightest risk of it. Consciously or unconsciously, sometimes I tend to be too focused on failure to the point of paralysis, complacency, mediocrity.

But, yes, there is no success without failure. I won't develop as a person without making mistakes. My challenge is to get up my courage, and learn to deal with failure while focusing my thoughts on success. (Actually, the more immediate challenge is to convince myself. But we already knew that.)

On self-expression.

I suppose it's fair enough to start where (I imagine) every writer starts. Take a pick to the walls of the self, excavate and roughly polish every rock with the slightest potential to be a gem. Hone self-awareness without self-consciousness, if you get my drift. Everything's an autobiography.

This holds a certain undeniable appeal. After all, why do I want to write? Why have I, half-heartedly and sporadically maybe, but to the extent of my capacity for persistence, continued to try? Because as a reader, I know how it is to get in touch with another mind. And I can see how, as a writer, there exists the dizzying possibility of reaching out and connecting. Of performing, perhaps in the only realistic sense, telepathy. My thoughts, if I'm good enough, can become yours.

The challenge lies, then, in making my self seem just a little more interesting than your self. At least for the little while that we're together. Truthfully, sometimes, it's hard to convince even myself of this necessary conceit. But things go on, moods change, and the words eventually - thankfully - come.

So, sigh, yes. Self-expression. I've always felt that term to be vaguely distasteful. But, nevertheless, it is a relatively easy default mode that provides adequate practice as I strive for greater precision of language.

Cheers!

The world is always better when I’m tipsy. Better because it’s just a little further away. At least for a little while, I feel like I have the right to focus solely on the pleasant fact of moderate inebriation. It doesn’t even matter whether I was more happy than sad before I got a bit sloshed. The feeling of goodwill is inevitable. I suppose I’m a cheerful drunk.

It probably helps that I’ve never really had a bad experience with drink. Sure, I’ve had my share of puking into the bushes. But I’ve only had hangovers up to perhaps 60% on the horribleness scale. I’ve blacked out once, but I was in a safe place surrounded by friends – and, reportedly, was capable of making basic responses!

To be honest, I think I’d be better off if I could somehow make permanent the lowering of inhibitions due to alcohol. People seem to like me better tipsy, at any rate. Sad, but true. Just goes to show, I need to stop thinking too much. I need to lighten up, open up, be more willing to make a fool of myself.

Easier said than done. In the meantime, cheers!

Maybe not so funny.

It’s a funny thing, time. One day I’m spending eight hours a day minding someone else’s problems. The next, I’m minding just my own. You could say that I never really did actually mind anything but myself. But the point is, I tried, whether I felt obliged, or bound by an actual or implicit contract. Of course, the more I think about it, the more difficult it becomes to get a grasp of How long? or How long ago? The distance in time between now and then can be put into words, as exact as I’d like, but what good would that do anyone? One day is not the same as every other day. Hilarious.

They say one can’t step into the same river twice. Me? I’ve never even once stepped into a river, even though I tend to go with the flow. Going with the flow: story of my life. Question is, if a river changes course, do the fish notice? What I do know is that I have never had what it takes to turn stirrings in the depths into actual, honest-to-goodness waves on the surface. A lot of people would advise diving in, but I don’t know how to swim. That could be the point.

You know what else is funny? Thinking about the past. Thinking about the future. There’s this funny gap between either memory or prediction and reality. Ah, another slippery unquantifiable. Sometimes the gap seems merely a crack, sometimes it’s just as long as a jump, sometimes this space in between is as wide as the one that got away. Or if you’re stubborn, the one that keeps getting away.

Yeah, stretch out my arms as I might, it’s hopeless.

Isn't it good?

I finished re-reading Norwegian Wood today. I am still feeling the familiar ache and sense of loss at having to leave Murakami's story, at having to go back to continuing to slap together my own personal narrative.

Norwegian Wood is perhaps one of the simplest of his novels. It's essentially a coming-of-age love story, set in Tokyo in the late sixties. Of course it's by no means "just" a love story - his typical humor, penchant for the metaphysical, and cool, smooth style are all still there.

(I am reading Murakami again as research for an essay about him I'm working on for a local newspaper contest. Not much to say about it, except that I'm now wondering how to fit a substantial review of his work in just over a thousand words.

I found myself re-reading with greater awareness, paying greater attention to my experience. Of course, since I am trying to put into my own words why I've fallen in love with Murakami's work.)

He's a natural storyteller, with an impeccable grasp of rhythm and timing.

His protagonists are admirably self-aware, articulate, and empathetic. Much more so than I am or have ever been, although, I hope, not too much more than I can hope to be. This is what makes them so compelling and likeable, to my mind.

I am at a loss as to expressing the emotional affect the book (and Murakami in general) has on me. I am beginning to have the suspicion that this is exactly what I need to focus on for that essay. Hrm.

But to take a stab at it, it's a combination of how strongly I identify with his pensive, solitary first person narrator, the lulling "natural-ness" of the prose/ stream of consciousness or its quality of being "in rhythm", and the melancholy permeating the fabric and every thread of the story.

On the other hand, perhaps because of the subtle humor throughout, I came away from Norwegian Wood, as from most of Murakami's other novels and stories, with a not-insignificant feeling of, I don't know if this is the exact word, hope.

Keepin' on keepin' on

It took too long, I think, but nonetheless, I managed to finish the first draft of an essay on Murakami (for submission to this newspaper contest) today. I'll edit it later this week, but just to note down some initial thoughts on revision: needs cohesion, could probably stand trimming/refocusing, the introductory part needs to be reworked.

There isn't much else to report, sadly. Still keeping up with my workout routine, still doing great at squats but not very well at situps and pushups.

Still no news on possible employment; I'm following this up tomorrow, it's been a week! (I'm beginning to get more worried that I shouldn't just be waiting on this single opportunity, but instead also actively seeking others. Meh.)

It seems I've simply fallen into a slightly different rut. Sure, I'm exercising, but that's pretty much it. Good thing I've come up with this essay project or else I might not be doing anything else productive at all.

I think I'll do a more thorough state of the Momeng address later tonight, or tomorrow. Allowing self to be distracted for a while.

Boredom. (What's new?)

Bored. I need something new to do. (Like at a job, but they haven't called me yet!)

I just might perform a delayed New Year's clean-up: clear the clutter in my room, organize my things. Organize the data in my laptop, and so on.

It's been a boring week. My biggest accomplishment has to be keeping up a regular workout routine: 30 minutes of jumping rope every other day, and 15 minutes of jumping rope plus strength training exercises (either pushups/situps/squats or doing weights on the machine) in between. I really hope I can turn this into a habit before I get a job again: so far I might just be succeeding in getting myself to exercise for lack of better things to do!

Lust, Caution; Zatoichi

Finally got around to watching these movies (impulse buys from that shop in SC) - Lust, Caution yesterday and Zatoichi just tonight. Impressions (and spoilers) follow.

Lust, Caution

Tony Leung. Case closed.

Seriously, though, they could film Tony Leung sitting in a chair for two hours and I'd probably enjoy watching it. The man has screen presence. I couldn't quite reconcile him with his villain role in this movie, though.

I enjoyed the attention to detail, and the languor of the film, though near the end it did feel a little... stretched too thin. Still, one can't fault the immersion.

Zatoichi

I was expecting an old-fashioned samurai flick, and boy was I surprised. (My fault for not reading the blurb closely enough.)

Takeshi Kitano plays the titular role, a blind master swordsman (apparently an iconic character in Japanese culture), in this energetic romp of a period piece. Excellent comedic timing, wonderfully-choreographed action scenes (and percussion interludes!), and, all in all, a pervasive sense of plain old fun make the movie a crowd-pleaser you won't feel guilty watching.

Fifth day of the year.

Been enjoying working through the initial problems over at Project Euler. It feels familiar in a nice way to be solving math problems and programming again, but at the same time my rustiness is somewhat disheartening. But, you know, geeky, semi-productive fun can't be bad, right?

Jumped rope for about thirty minutes today, or until I could feel certain muscles starting to get tired. Don't want to tire myself out before I resume my workout tomorrow.

Recently got sucked into this thread at INTP Central: Pictures of Meals You've Made. It's an addicting combination of INTP commentary and really great cooking. I wish I knew how to/ had more motivation to cook and putter around in the kitchen!

(And, yeah, it's only been a day, but I can't wait for the result of the exam!)

First working day of the year!

Went back to the office today to take the exam for the developer position. Arrived rather early, before 10 am, and was told that if I do get accepted, it'd be on a contractual basis (i.e., no benefits) for six months. ("Shrug, okay!") Was also told that the next exam schedule was 2:30 pm.

Got to talk with a couple of previous batchmates. Unfortunately I had left my phone at home, so was unable to join them for lunch. (Fail!)

Killed some time walking around Megamall, for lack of a better idea, and also to look for somewhere to print out a copy of my resume. First ended up in Powerbooks - read about data structures, haha. (It would turn out that those are a little outside the scope of an employment exam, and good thing, too!)

Eventually: the walk back to Tektite, coffee, the exam. Lasted two and a half hours. At first it seemed too much for me (not really a coder), but all in all, it was doable. It was fun taking the exam alone in a small conference room with an awesome view.

P.S. I think I like taking exams, and if nothing else, I'm somewhat good at it. Not exactly something to be proud of, but...

Done with the brokerage billing forms!

Finally got around to making two simple spreadsheet billing forms for the family brokerage (as requested by my brother).

They actually only involved subtotals, percentage deductions and additions, and so on. The tricky part was figuring out how to mimic the alignment of the original forms - their client wants the forms on specially-printed form paper which already has some labels and divisions and so on.

I didn't have a ruler, so I ended up holding the sample form to the screen (with Excel zoomed to as close to life size as possible) and estimating distances with the onscreen ruler.

Positioning the different fields was made easier by a trick I learned from seeing it used at work: turning all the cells in the sheet into tiny squares, and simply merging cells into the right size where they are needed. (Adjusting field positions was a pain, though!)

So, in summary, I suppose there could've been better/more efficient ways of doing what I just did, but I think I did well enough for an intermediate spreadsheet user.

Day 2 of the 100/200/200 programs

Having finished Day 1 the day before last (first day of the year), I rested for one day as advised and resumed the programs today. The squats went okay, I think I should be able to follow that program without much hassle. It was tiring, but felt just right.

The situp and pushup programs, on the other hand, are much harder for me. I think it has to do with a lack of proper stretching - my muscles are still tired from the last workout! To try and remedy this, I'm going to take two rest days before continuing with Day 3 of the programs, and also warm up and stretch more thoroughly next time. (Hm, I should find my old jump rope or get a new one already.)

I'm excited to start on the program I've devised using the machine we have here at home already, but haven't yet figured out how to schedule that and these three programs together. Hum.

Shake Rattle and Roll; Workout plans

Went out to watch a movie and have lunch with the parents, Kuya Julius and Ate Anne, and the kids today. A pretty rare occurrence, I can't remember the last time we were out with our parents (was it for Cesar Montano's Jose Rizal?).

Watched Shake, Rattle, and Roll, uh, 11, with the kids. Meh. Usually I think one of the three segments is somewhat amusing/scary/decent, but for this one, no luck. The lack of originality in the film, if one were to take it as typical of the Filipino film industry, was really depressing.

After waiting nearly an hour to get a table, we had a late lunch at Mann Hann (we typically have Chinese food when we eat out, I don't know why). Burp. Last time I'm pigging out, I swear!

*

I've devised a workout plan, splitting the full-body workout into three days: a "pull" day, a "push" day, and a legs/abs day. Not quite optimal yet (i.e., I mostly based it off of a couple of websites), but it's workable.

Before going through that, though, I'm planning to finish the 100 pushup, 200 situp, and 200 squat programs first (which will take about six weeks, ideally). Need to buy a jump rope or find some other cardio exercise to do, though...

*

Okay, it's January, time to get into jobhunting/full-time personal development mode. Kicking things off with a crash course in computer science/programming basics this Sunday before (possibly) walking in to take the developer exam on Monday. Lez do thees!

Goodbye, mustachioed creatures. Hello, strange men.

Layout image changes, just for kicks. Getting the urge to clean up digital house (meatspace-clean-up is too tedious), perhaps in time for rehabitation / rehabilitation.

Gotta start the year right, but how? Hum.

No. 1, series of 2010.

Happy new year, everyone.

2009 wasn't really my year. Graduated with a disappointing thesis and a disappointing honorific. Worked for five months at a disappointing job. Was dumped because of being rather aimless and, yeah... disappointing. (Well, at least it's going to be easier to go up than down, from where I stand now, right?)

Of course, 2009 wasn't all bad. (I suppose it's just that the last quarter or so of 2009 has been bad enough to affect my perception of the whole year.) Mixed with the sadness and frustration were times of happiness, expectation, and, yeah, fun with friends. While resigning from my job (i.e., taking an undeserved break) hasn't yet resulted in the sweeping life changes and sharp increase in productivity that I was hoping for, it has been somewhat refreshing, somewhat eye-opening. (It took a while for any progress to manifest, though, but I must say that there were certain mitigating circumstances.)

Well, artificial as the transition from one year to the next may be, I believe it's still psychologically useful! 2010, ready or not, here I come!