Sunday, December 12, 2010

On Haruki Murakami

Hello, let me tell you how I fell in love with the work of Haruki Murakami.

Well, you see, Haruki Murakami is this Japanese writer, translator,
erstwhile jazz bar owner, and long-distance runner. I could go on to
tell you that his novels have been translated into more than forty
languages, or that he was given the controversial 2009 Jerusalem Prize
on top of many other awards. But none of that would tell you why I
have become obsessed with his work.

It wouldn’t help you understand why I have never before or since felt
so keenly the desire to read everything someone else has written.


Inside Someone Else's Head

In most of his novels and stories Murakami puts us inside the head of
a pensive, solitary guy with a knack for peculiar observations,
strangely apt figures of speech, and attracting metaphysical trouble.
I first met him in Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World,
where he proceeded to win me over with a thorough, humorous
consideration of elevators, of all things.

Now, I like to think of myself as a pensive, solitary guy with a knack
for peculiar observations, so perhaps it was inevitable for me to form
a strong, even wishful, identification with this protagonist. This
willing immersion is helped immensely by Murakami's deft story-telling
and unmistakable ear for rhythm.

I am an introvert, and so spend a lot of time – some would say too
much time – inside my head. I have to tell you, it was a wonderful,
pleasant surprise to find out that I am just as comfortable nestled
inside this fictional head as I am inside mine!

Largely passive, this main character often finds himself listening to
the stories of other people, proving himself an intelligent,
sympathetic listener, seeming to naturally ask the right questions at
the right time. All that time spent listening to his own thoughts, I
suppose, must have attuned him to the rhythms of narrative and
thought, even those not his own.


Music and the Rhythm

Rhythm is just as important in writing and storytelling as it is in
music. I know, from unfortunate experience, how even the funniest joke
or most interesting anecdote can fall flat if told without regard for
properly timed delivery. This quality of being “in rhythm”, while
being difficult to describe, is unmistakable. And Murakami, an avowed
lover of music having run a jazz bar for some years, has unmistakably
got it.

Murakami’s language is deceptively simple, avoiding complicated
sentence structures and scholarly diction in favor of being frank and
straightforward. He works his pared-down language skillfully; the
ceaseless interior monologue of his protagonist feels natural and
uncontrived. Once meeting his main character had hooked me, getting me
to stay was no problem at all. I didn’t even want to leave.

Reading him is in fact like listening to a favorite record:
engrossing, familiar, rewarding. It matters little whether he is
describing the most mundane of activities or discussing loss – of
life, love, innocence, or any one of those essential things curled up
inside us.


Escape and Exploration

Murakami’s protagonists more often than not live lives that seem just
as pared-down and inevitable as his language.

They lead isolated existences, with barely any contact with or
attachment to society. Reserved and self-sufficient, they touch other
people’s lives only incidentally, or more relevantly, by accident.
They remain inside their own heads, either lost in contemplation or
fully absorbed in the current moment.

For an introvert like me, not much seems to be more satisfying than
living alone, cooking and doing housework for myself, spending my time
reading, downing the occasional beer, and, of course, thinking. It is
much too easy for me to fantasize about leaving everything behind and
living such a peaceful, carefree life.

However, everything is not always as it seems, and I eventually get a
nagging, gradually strengthening feeling that something isn’t quite
right. In the external narrative, strange events and people filter
through and widen the cracks. Then, I experience, along with the
protagonist, a certain internal current, an ominous movement in the
darkness.

And thus I come to recognize that, if I want to escape into Murakami’s
world, I must also be prepared to explore the mysterious darknesses
within myself. The characters I meet in Murakami’s world are troubled
souls, carrying burdens deep within themselves. Just like me and you.


Haruki Murakami and me, and you

As I near the end of this, my communication with you, I begin to feel
with greater intensity the desire to do right by Haruki Murakami. He
has, through his writing, managed to reach out and touch my mind, to
share a part of himself with me in a deep, significant way.

I can only hope that some small echo of my experience has come
through. As our brief acquaintance ends, I hope that you will listen
closely for a soft, resonant note sounding within yourself, and pay
attention.

In Murakami’s world, as perhaps in our own, the music that grows from
such tiny beginnings may very well transport us to places we never
thought we’d be.

Posted via email from momeng's posterous

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Memory

The aquamarine- or turquoise-colored rock that,
as a child, you picked up and pocketed and kept
tucked away: no longer there. You can check;
your fingers will encounter nothing
except the nothing you don’t expect.

Not the nothing-special bit of brick you chipped
off the old broken-down wall back home, or
that accepted-offering shard of sea glass,
or even any of the indistinct pebbles that did
or did not sometimes wake sleeping windows.

Posted via email from momeng's posterous

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Order

Remember that night on that beach when you leaned closer to me and
whispered, I can draw perfect circles (but only in the sand)
and then you stood to enclose my lying body in just a one?
I was delighted. I always took you at your word, remember?

Me, I was your other shaky hand. From what remains
of my memory, I can only draw a crooked but unbroken
series of accidents: a motel-room conception, an ugly-duckling adolescence
(but at least I was smart), meeting you in university,

growing up and apart and me powerless against the drift and the pull
into an endless succession of lovers and jobs, one after the other bringing me
inevitably here. Sometimes you would send me letters, remember,
in your meticulous handwriting all about your meticulous exploits

in your rarefied, ivory-tower air, and if you didn't know I loved every bit of it,
even though I was lucky to understand every other word. Many times I tried
to write you back, but the husband or the kids or the boss or the dog, well,
I was sure you didn't want to hear about it. So you never did.

But on this bright night with its perfect-circle moon, I'm in a looking-back mood.
I remember your coffee smell, and the slight trembling of your arms when
you would tell me about the latest tiny bit of order you've found and brought
into the world.

Posted via email from momeng's posterous

Thursday, July 08, 2010

Testing Posterous

Hey, this post-by-email-to-everywhere thing seems pretty cool. (If a little risky.)

Posted via email from momeng's posterous

Monday, June 21, 2010

This feels really weird.

Hello, social networks I used to frequent, how have you been? This is a cross-posting test.

Monday, February 22, 2010

A life regimen?

The workout regimen has been progressing nicely, and I've been getting encouraging comments from people saying that I'm losing weight pretty well.

Jumping rope is beginning to become a habit, something I look forward to and enjoy doing regularly; I've recently managed to beat the 200-consecutive-squat challenge, and am now working on getting strong enough to do one-legged squats; The situp and pushup programs are moving along slowly.

I'd have to agree that I need to develop my arms, though. Losing fat from my limbs is slowly exposing my underdeveloped muscles. For that weightlifting would have to be the next thing to incorporate into my workout regimen.



I should take heart from these developments, and realize that, hey, changing things is as simple as starting to do new things and sticking to them!

In that spirit, in the next few days, I'm going to seriously try to identify several more habits that will gradually improve myself in all the other ways that matter to me. A tentative list: critical thinking, expressing opinions articulately, writerly craftsmanship, programming/ software development, one-to-many/one-to-one social interaction, general organization, time management... Oh wow, I guess I could go on and on, I'm going to need to narrow these down into the most important ones, first.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Ponyo on the Cliff by the Sea

A modern take on the Little Mermaid tale, told through the eyes of five-year-olds.

It's a simple story (perhaps too simple for some), which nonetheless unfolds with Miyazaki's trademark charm and lovely, hand-drawn animation. The opening scene, in particular, was joyous, a celebration of the color and diversity of (marine) life.

And so the story continues, with our hero Sosuke meeting the baby-faced and wholly adorable Ponyo as a fish. Triggered by a taste of his blood from a cut on his thumb, and Sosuke's attentive care, Ponyo unwittingly unleashes powerful magics in her quest to become human like her beloved. The ocean rises, Devonian sea creatures come back to life, and ruin threatens the planet... but of course pure-hearted love overcomes all.

All in all, not a bad way to spend a Sunday afternoon!

Friday, February 12, 2010

Manhattan (1979)

My favorite Allen film yet.

Shot in beautiful widescreen black and white, the visuals are simply excellent. I don't have the technical terms or knowhow to describe it. I'll just say that I found the cinematography consistently excellent, with some truly outstanding scenes (Isaac and Mary at the planetarium springs immediately to mind). Combined with the (to my ears) somewhat old-fashioned score, a very dreamy Manhattan is evoked as a backdrop and medium for these people struggling with their relationships.

Woody Allen plays Isaac, the nervous, vaguely immature, relentlessly articulate, twice-divorced lead, and is paired this time with stunning, 17-year-old Tracy (played by a subtle, fragile Mariel Hemingway) who is too precocious for her own good. Three more characters complete the main cast, Yale, Isaac's friend who professes to being happily married to and in love with Emily, but is having an affair with Mary, another beautiful woman too intelligent (cerebral, in fact) for her own good. Meryl Streep plays Isaac's now-homosexual ex-wife who writes a book about their separation.

Character development and interaction in this movie is wonderful and very convincing. These are flawed characters (though Tracy's only flaw might be her youth) who don't quite know how to, or don't have the emotional courage to deal with their relationships. The relationship between Tracy and Isaac, in particular, was pulled off without any big hitches, despite how awkward it might sound in concept (I mean, a 42-year-old and a 17-year-old? Come on!). It helped, of course, that the actors gave good performances.

The dialogue, of course, was pitch-perfect, as was the pacing (of the shifts between romance and comedy, for example). I feel envious and almost inadequate, seeing these bright, clever people interacting with one another! For all their intelligence, though, they still make mistakes in love, like the rest of us.

Annie Hall (1977)

Loved it from start to finish. I had some idea what it was going to be like, just from cultural osmosis, but, yeah, it was great. Woody Allen's neurotic yet likable onscreen persona is an entertaining narrator, as perhaps he only should be, since he is a comedian in the film as well as in real life.

Like the narrator, the film itself is nervous, clever. The fourth wall is broken so smoothly that you don't have the time to complain. In a flashback, children speak as their adult selves. An animated Woody Allen speaks with the evil queen from Snow White. Strangers on the street suddenly have something relevant to say. This isn't to give the impression that there was any more than a light seasoning of surreality in the film, though. The focus is still on the dialogue.

The dialogue was smart, fast-paced, and felt real, if a little too clever to be believed. Good thing, too, since the movie basically consists of people talking: about or to themselves, with others, to the camera. Long takes allow for long, involved conversations filled with literary and pop culture references.

(I'm greatly enjoying getting into Woody Allen's work. Looking forward to watching more great movies of his.)

Thursday, February 11, 2010

The Pleasures of Philosophy (Will Durant)

"This book is an attempt at a consistent philosophy of life. It tries... to make [the problems of philosophy] intelligible by transparent speech, and to vitalize them by contemporary application."

Of course, it has been many decades since this book has been contemporary - The Mansions of Philosophy, of which this book is a revised edition, came out in 1929. Nevertheless, his clear, enthusiastic prose, peppered with unexpected humor, earned enough of my goodwill to offset his occasional sentimentality or dated, short-sighted viewpoint.

He conceives of philosophy as the noble attempt to transmute ever-increasing knowledge into wisdom. He believed that (to paraphrase) philosophy without science is blind, while science without philosophy is barbarism. I think this is very true, and becoming a generalist (as opposed to a specialist) is something worthwhile to aspire for. Attaining real understanding through a total perspective is a goal in its own, and would also make further action and change much easier and more sensible.

The section on the Philosophy of History contained Durant's musings on creating a composite history: a cross-section of the timeline, as it were, instead of the usual longitudinal narratives. I enjoyed this exposition of his philosophy of history especially because I'd already begun (listening to) his Story of Civilization. This holistic view, of course, is a logical extension of his synthetic conception of philosophy.

I think I am attracted to this sort of synthetic, pluralistic endeavor because I personally enjoy learning about diverse subjects. Durant (conveniently for me) articulates a convincing rationale for this tendency of mine. Of course, of course, I doubt he is talking about amateur dilettantism. But at least he's giving me something to shoot for.

Perhaps, like they say about a liberal education, I should strive to know everything about something, but also something about everything.

Interiors (1978)

Interiors appears to be something of the odd one out among Woody Allen's films - it's a very spare, very bleak psychological drama ala Bergman. Incidentally, also the first Allen film I've ever seen.

Lots of still, lingering shots in muted greys and beiges and browns, making for a somber atmosphere. It's also shot fairly tight (not sure if that's the right term), with the characters feeling isolated, as in a play. The emphasis on dialogue and the playing out of the relationships between various characters only serves to reinforce the theatrical feel of the movie.

Wonderful performance by Geraldine Page as the artistic, unstable mother. I could really sense the tensions, the neuroses she was trying so mightily to keep under control.

One of the characters, Renata, is a successful poet, while another, her sister Joey, is a frustrated searcher for meaningful occupation. I found these two characters to be the most interesting ones in the film. I admire and envy Renata for her creative success, her ability to perceive and put things into the right words. On the other hand, I'm afraid of turning out like Joey - that person everyone thought was a great kid with a lot of potential, but, well, look at her now...

Renata:
"Do I really care if a handful of my poems are read after I'm gone? Is that supposed to be some sort of compensation? I used to think it was,but now, for some reason... I can't seem to shake the real implication of dying."

Joey:
"I feel a real need to express something but I don't know what it is I want to express or how to express it."

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Today in lists

The Good:
  1. Lots of jasmine tea
  2. Cake and coffee for brunch
  3. Jumping rope
  4. Managing to do 110 consecutive squats
  5. The continuing realization that regular exercise and portion control are slowly having their effect
  6. Listening to new music (Alexi Murdoch, 500 Days of Summer OST, and similar)
  7. Reading Durant (Pleasures of Philosophy)


The Bad:
  1. Unproductivity (couldn't even get self to play Dragon Age for long)
  2. Too many naps
  3. Continued lack of purpose
  4. Lack of employment-related news
  5. The gnawing worry that I'm wasting my time


Random Thoughts:

  1. I want to be able to intelligently and articulately comment on and respond to the things I enjoy and appreciate: writing, music, art, ideas.

  2. I perceive myself as incompetent, more often than not, despite what anyone else might say. I hope this isn't a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm trying to be more positive, to look forward, and all that. I want to convince myself of my own competence at the things I care about: thinking, writing, creating.

  3. I want to have real friends. Or, more accurately, I want to be able to be a real friend. To open up and connect in a genuine way.

I was going to write something more coherent - nah, I wasn't, too lazy. But I will, in the near future! Cross my confused little heart.

Friday, February 05, 2010

Will get there, eventually.

I think I like exercising earlier in the day better. I was forced to do so today because some people came over for lunch - a relative of ours from Bulacan is leaving for Guam, and her family's accompanying her to the airport tonight.

It's always festive when people come over: the noise, the better-and-more-than-usual food, the mere presence of enough people to fill the house somewhat. There were a lot of kids earlier, livening up the atmosphere even more. Of course, I was mostly in my room, fiddling with CSS.

I had forgotten about CSS browser hell, how unintuitively different browsers might interpret a particular set of CSS rules. Read up on CSS standards, best practices, and so on. CSS can get complicated quickly, so I thought I'd get a good grounding in the fundamentals before just diving in.

I did work on a website today (cribbed the material from here). The results were passable, I suppose, for someone who hasn't been doing this in a while. I'm still not too comfortable regarding structuring HTML and organizing my CSS, but that should come in time.

I thought I'd be able to work on Javascript today, but fiddling with layouts and such is too much fun!

Thursday, February 04, 2010

Today's little things.

I watched Sam Mendes' Away We Go today, and found it to be a funny, smart, feel-good film. Currently... acquiring a copy of 500 Days of Summer. Yeah, I didn't think I'd find myself watching rom-com-dramas, either. Go figure.

Also began teaching myself HTML, CSS, and Javascript today. I'm already fairly comfortable with HTML and CSS, having tinkered with blog layouts and the like in the past. Javascript and dynamic pages is something new to me, though, so I'm gonna have to work on that. Eventually I hope to also learn PHP and SQL, for the complete web development package.


Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Always too much time.

Rock still in stream, no - pebble bobbing along. While sky colors above. While slowly riverbanks crumble or grow. Still, flowing. Maybe mote of dust in cloud, in raindrop, in snowflake. Maybe glacial boulder. Maybe concrete block upon concrete block. Still, poised to fall back into earth. No escape for pieces of earth, always too much time for weariness.

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

An overdue progress report.

So, not much to report, truth be told.

The Azeus application process finished for me last Thursday, and now I only have to wait for the result. Within two weeks, they say.

The exercise train is chugging along again. I should move my exercise time to the mornings, though, to minimize the chances of laziness and other preoccupations getting in the way.

Lately I've been on a fiction binge. Escapism, tsk. Getting back into science fiction and fantasy, it seems like ages since I've seriously touched the stuff.

Throwing my whimpering productive self - another figment of the imagination - a bone, I've also been reading Stein on Writing, and Structure and Interpretation of Computer Programs. Heh.

Oh, and I've begun my nth attempt at Gravity's Rainbow. I know, I know. Good luck.

Friday, January 22, 2010

After several hours of being awake

Things seem still. Melancholy, exacerbated by Murakami overdose.

But what is there to do. Games have lost their attraction. I don't think reading books or listening to music would, and thankfully they haven't. Yet. Forget about doing something productive. Much more of this and I don't know what could happen.

I should get out of the house, take a walk. Make myself feel closer to the world.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Transcribing someone else's stream of consciousness

I signed up for this Skype transcription gig some time back. Never really got into it - the time and effort, especially for fast speakers or bad quality audio, hardly seemed the low rate. Still, the potential was there for the audio to be interesting, and then I could think of the pay as just a bonus for having spent some time listening to an interesting conversation.

Recently I found myself checking the available files for transcription, and found that there were a whole lot of files from this guy in New York who walks around and uses Skype as a sort of audio journal. Pretty interesting, listening in to someone else's stream of consciousness. Let's see how many files I can transcribe before the novelty wears off.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Escapism, or Unfortunately, I am not a figment of the imagination

You know what I want to do? Save up some money, make up a plausible excuse to be gone a couple of days. Then disappear alone. I don't know where I'd go, and it doesn't really matter too much. It just has to be somewhere I've never been before. And somewhere I wouldn't accidentally meet someone I knew. Somewhere to be alone.

This might just be more escapism, but I really feel that such an experience would help me get a better grip on myself. Yeah right, wishful thinking.



These past two weeks, I feel like I've let myself get into a real rut. Each day brought the same vague worrying about my lack of progress, and continued inaction. Each day I would refuse to face these feelings, choosing instead to immerse myself in Murakami's fiction, music, and the interactions of strangers and friends on the Internet.

All the while, of course, rationalizing to myself that this state of affairs would only be temporary. That there was really nothing I could do, that I deserved a break. That I needed to relax and just let the image of what I want to do form by itself. To an extent these are all true, as all rationalizations are.

But only to an extent; no matter how peaceful, a rut is a rut. Things like this can't go on forever. I need to feel that I myself am creating something, bringing something of worth into this world. Being someone of worth.

The difference between me and a protagonist in a Murakami novel? No supernatural forces are going to shake me out of my self-imposed stupor. No beautiful, mysterious, troubled woman is going to appear and turn my world around.

I'm going to have to change my reality by myself.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

On navel-gazing, lack of motivation, fear of failure, and personal development.

Shortly after I started blogging/journalling more than five years ago, I've held onto the assumption that if only I could understand my self enough to write about my situation accurately and comprehensively, it'd make dealing with it, if not exactly easy, at least seem possible. A worthy enough goal.

And so, many times when I would feel sad and frustrated and clueless, I'd dutifully attempt to chronicle my thoughts on whatever issues happened to be bothering me presently. I have to say, this resulted in some of my most cringe-worthy journal entries. Reading the earnest spoutings of a naive earlier self is embarrassing, to say the least.

However, while understanding is part of the battle, it's not really the part that I have the most trouble with. I'm too good at rationalizing. It's too easy for me to get caught up in concocting explanations for all the different aspects of the situation, without getting any closer to a resolution. In pessimistic moods, I can overthink and dwell on the perceived consequences of failure even before taking any action.

I suppose writing this now is mostly just more of the same, but somehow I have to believe that I know better know, hah! (Obvious spoiler: No, I don't.)



Ever since I've been self-aware enough to doubt and second-guess, I've been frustrated with my lack of motivation. Sure, I can understand, or at least drum up reason upon reason, why I should be doing something, but the punch, the visceral feeling of desire has rarely been there. All the reasons for all the different things convince me of nothing but my own confusion. No changes occur. I continue to drift, holding down a vague dissatisfaction.

“But knowing what I don’t want to do doesn’t help me figure out what I do want to do. I could do just about anything if somebody made me. But I don’t have an image of the one thing I really want to do. That’s my problem now. I can’t find the image.” - Toru Okada, protagonist of Haruki Murakami's The Wind-up Bird Chronicle

Sometimes it scares me to think that this is true for me as well. That I could do just about anything if somebody made me. What would that make me, who would I be then? Other times, it just gives me a feeling of peace, thinking that whatever happens, I'll be able to deal. Blissful passivity.

Should I be smacking myself in the face?

When there's a will, there's a way. What do you do when you can see many different ways, but really can't conjure the will to follow any of them? It's easy to say, try them on, and see what fits, but again, where is the will? As I see it, I can generate possibilities rationally, but seemingly lack the capability to become emotionally invested in any of them, to effectively and consistently bridge the gap between intention and action.



I've been on a self-help kick lately, and, I've got to say, that stuff isn't quite as bad as it used to seem to me. A lot of it is useless fluff, to be sure, but there are genuine insights to be had. And sure, maybe a lot of it is common sense. But as I continue to explore the personal development literature, I get the feeling that these guys are saying essentially the same things not because these things are trivial, but precisely because they're true. But it's hard to swallow common sense when it's coming from someone else, and it's easy to fool ourselves and say, yeah, yeah, we understand all that - even though we're not really living as if we do. And so they have to repeat themselves until we really really get it.

Someone just told me, hey, you're just afraid of failure because your fragile pride can't handle it. I have to say that I agree. I've never had to deal with real failure before, perhaps because I've so assiduously avoided even the slightest risk of it. Consciously or unconsciously, sometimes I tend to be too focused on failure to the point of paralysis, complacency, mediocrity.

But, yes, there is no success without failure. I won't develop as a person without making mistakes. My challenge is to get up my courage, and learn to deal with failure while focusing my thoughts on success. (Actually, the more immediate challenge is to convince myself. But we already knew that.)

On self-expression.

I suppose it's fair enough to start where (I imagine) every writer starts. Take a pick to the walls of the self, excavate and roughly polish every rock with the slightest potential to be a gem. Hone self-awareness without self-consciousness, if you get my drift. Everything's an autobiography.

This holds a certain undeniable appeal. After all, why do I want to write? Why have I, half-heartedly and sporadically maybe, but to the extent of my capacity for persistence, continued to try? Because as a reader, I know how it is to get in touch with another mind. And I can see how, as a writer, there exists the dizzying possibility of reaching out and connecting. Of performing, perhaps in the only realistic sense, telepathy. My thoughts, if I'm good enough, can become yours.

The challenge lies, then, in making my self seem just a little more interesting than your self. At least for the little while that we're together. Truthfully, sometimes, it's hard to convince even myself of this necessary conceit. But things go on, moods change, and the words eventually - thankfully - come.

So, sigh, yes. Self-expression. I've always felt that term to be vaguely distasteful. But, nevertheless, it is a relatively easy default mode that provides adequate practice as I strive for greater precision of language.

Cheers!

The world is always better when I’m tipsy. Better because it’s just a little further away. At least for a little while, I feel like I have the right to focus solely on the pleasant fact of moderate inebriation. It doesn’t even matter whether I was more happy than sad before I got a bit sloshed. The feeling of goodwill is inevitable. I suppose I’m a cheerful drunk.

It probably helps that I’ve never really had a bad experience with drink. Sure, I’ve had my share of puking into the bushes. But I’ve only had hangovers up to perhaps 60% on the horribleness scale. I’ve blacked out once, but I was in a safe place surrounded by friends – and, reportedly, was capable of making basic responses!

To be honest, I think I’d be better off if I could somehow make permanent the lowering of inhibitions due to alcohol. People seem to like me better tipsy, at any rate. Sad, but true. Just goes to show, I need to stop thinking too much. I need to lighten up, open up, be more willing to make a fool of myself.

Easier said than done. In the meantime, cheers!

Friday, January 15, 2010

Maybe not so funny.

It’s a funny thing, time. One day I’m spending eight hours a day minding someone else’s problems. The next, I’m minding just my own. You could say that I never really did actually mind anything but myself. But the point is, I tried, whether I felt obliged, or bound by an actual or implicit contract. Of course, the more I think about it, the more difficult it becomes to get a grasp of How long? or How long ago? The distance in time between now and then can be put into words, as exact as I’d like, but what good would that do anyone? One day is not the same as every other day. Hilarious.

They say one can’t step into the same river twice. Me? I’ve never even once stepped into a river, even though I tend to go with the flow. Going with the flow: story of my life. Question is, if a river changes course, do the fish notice? What I do know is that I have never had what it takes to turn stirrings in the depths into actual, honest-to-goodness waves on the surface. A lot of people would advise diving in, but I don’t know how to swim. That could be the point.

You know what else is funny? Thinking about the past. Thinking about the future. There’s this funny gap between either memory or prediction and reality. Ah, another slippery unquantifiable. Sometimes the gap seems merely a crack, sometimes it’s just as long as a jump, sometimes this space in between is as wide as the one that got away. Or if you’re stubborn, the one that keeps getting away.

Yeah, stretch out my arms as I might, it’s hopeless.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Isn't it good?

I finished re-reading Norwegian Wood today. I am still feeling the familiar ache and sense of loss at having to leave Murakami's story, at having to go back to continuing to slap together my own personal narrative.

Norwegian Wood is perhaps one of the simplest of his novels. It's essentially a coming-of-age love story, set in Tokyo in the late sixties. Of course it's by no means "just" a love story - his typical humor, penchant for the metaphysical, and cool, smooth style are all still there.

(I am reading Murakami again as research for an essay about him I'm working on for a local newspaper contest. Not much to say about it, except that I'm now wondering how to fit a substantial review of his work in just over a thousand words.

I found myself re-reading with greater awareness, paying greater attention to my experience. Of course, since I am trying to put into my own words why I've fallen in love with Murakami's work.)

He's a natural storyteller, with an impeccable grasp of rhythm and timing.

His protagonists are admirably self-aware, articulate, and empathetic. Much more so than I am or have ever been, although, I hope, not too much more than I can hope to be. This is what makes them so compelling and likeable, to my mind.

I am at a loss as to expressing the emotional affect the book (and Murakami in general) has on me. I am beginning to have the suspicion that this is exactly what I need to focus on for that essay. Hrm.

But to take a stab at it, it's a combination of how strongly I identify with his pensive, solitary first person narrator, the lulling "natural-ness" of the prose/ stream of consciousness or its quality of being "in rhythm", and the melancholy permeating the fabric and every thread of the story.

On the other hand, perhaps because of the subtle humor throughout, I came away from Norwegian Wood, as from most of Murakami's other novels and stories, with a not-insignificant feeling of, I don't know if this is the exact word, hope.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Keepin' on keepin' on

It took too long, I think, but nonetheless, I managed to finish the first draft of an essay on Murakami (for submission to this newspaper contest) today. I'll edit it later this week, but just to note down some initial thoughts on revision: needs cohesion, could probably stand trimming/refocusing, the introductory part needs to be reworked.

There isn't much else to report, sadly. Still keeping up with my workout routine, still doing great at squats but not very well at situps and pushups.

Still no news on possible employment; I'm following this up tomorrow, it's been a week! (I'm beginning to get more worried that I shouldn't just be waiting on this single opportunity, but instead also actively seeking others. Meh.)

It seems I've simply fallen into a slightly different rut. Sure, I'm exercising, but that's pretty much it. Good thing I've come up with this essay project or else I might not be doing anything else productive at all.

I think I'll do a more thorough state of the Momeng address later tonight, or tomorrow. Allowing self to be distracted for a while.

Friday, January 08, 2010

Boredom. (What's new?)

Bored. I need something new to do. (Like at a job, but they haven't called me yet!)

I just might perform a delayed New Year's clean-up: clear the clutter in my room, organize my things. Organize the data in my laptop, and so on.

It's been a boring week. My biggest accomplishment has to be keeping up a regular workout routine: 30 minutes of jumping rope every other day, and 15 minutes of jumping rope plus strength training exercises (either pushups/situps/squats or doing weights on the machine) in between. I really hope I can turn this into a habit before I get a job again: so far I might just be succeeding in getting myself to exercise for lack of better things to do!

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Lust, Caution; Zatoichi

Finally got around to watching these movies (impulse buys from that shop in SC) - Lust, Caution yesterday and Zatoichi just tonight. Impressions (and spoilers) follow.


Lust, Caution

Tony Leung. Case closed.

Seriously, though, they could film Tony Leung sitting in a chair for two hours and I'd probably enjoy watching it. The man has screen presence. I couldn't quite reconcile him with his villain role in this movie, though.

I enjoyed the attention to detail, and the languor of the film, though near the end it did feel a little... stretched too thin. Still, one can't fault the immersion.


Zatoichi

I was expecting an old-fashioned samurai flick, and boy was I surprised. (My fault for not reading the blurb closely enough.)

Takeshi Kitano plays the titular role, a blind master swordsman (apparently an iconic character in Japanese culture), in this energetic romp of a period piece. Excellent comedic timing, wonderfully-choreographed action scenes (and percussion interludes!), and, all in all, a pervasive sense of plain old fun make the movie a crowd-pleaser you won't feel guilty watching.

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Fifth day of the year.

Been enjoying working through the initial problems over at Project Euler. It feels familiar in a nice way to be solving math problems and programming again, but at the same time my rustiness is somewhat disheartening. But, you know, geeky, semi-productive fun can't be bad, right?

Jumped rope for about thirty minutes today, or until I could feel certain muscles starting to get tired. Don't want to tire myself out before I resume my workout tomorrow.

Recently got sucked into this thread at INTP Central: Pictures of Meals You've Made. It's an addicting combination of INTP commentary and really great cooking. I wish I knew how to/ had more motivation to cook and putter around in the kitchen!

(And, yeah, it's only been a day, but I can't wait for the result of the exam!)

Monday, January 04, 2010

First working day of the year!

Went back to the office today to take the exam for the developer position. Arrived rather early, before 10 am, and was told that if I do get accepted, it'd be on a contractual basis (i.e., no benefits) for six months. ("Shrug, okay!") Was also told that the next exam schedule was 2:30 pm.

Got to talk with a couple of previous batchmates. Unfortunately I had left my phone at home, so was unable to join them for lunch. (Fail!)

Killed some time walking around Megamall, for lack of a better idea, and also to look for somewhere to print out a copy of my resume. First ended up in Powerbooks - read about data structures, haha. (It would turn out that those are a little outside the scope of an employment exam, and good thing, too!)

Eventually: the walk back to Tektite, coffee, the exam. Lasted two and a half hours. At first it seemed too much for me (not really a coder), but all in all, it was doable. It was fun taking the exam alone in a small conference room with an awesome view.

P.S. I think I like taking exams, and if nothing else, I'm somewhat good at it. Not exactly something to be proud of, but...

Sunday, January 03, 2010

Done with the brokerage billing forms!

Finally got around to making two simple spreadsheet billing forms for the family brokerage (as requested by my brother).

They actually only involved subtotals, percentage deductions and additions, and so on. The tricky part was figuring out how to mimic the alignment of the original forms - their client wants the forms on specially-printed form paper which already has some labels and divisions and so on.

I didn't have a ruler, so I ended up holding the sample form to the screen (with Excel zoomed to as close to life size as possible) and estimating distances with the onscreen ruler.

Positioning the different fields was made easier by a trick I learned from seeing it used at work: turning all the cells in the sheet into tiny squares, and simply merging cells into the right size where they are needed. (Adjusting field positions was a pain, though!)

So, in summary, I suppose there could've been better/more efficient ways of doing what I just did, but I think I did well enough for an intermediate spreadsheet user.

Day 2 of the 100/200/200 programs

Having finished Day 1 the day before last (first day of the year), I rested for one day as advised and resumed the programs today. The squats went okay, I think I should be able to follow that program without much hassle. It was tiring, but felt just right.

The situp and pushup programs, on the other hand, are much harder for me. I think it has to do with a lack of proper stretching - my muscles are still tired from the last workout! To try and remedy this, I'm going to take two rest days before continuing with Day 3 of the programs, and also warm up and stretch more thoroughly next time. (Hm, I should find my old jump rope or get a new one already.)

I'm excited to start on the program I've devised using the machine we have here at home already, but haven't yet figured out how to schedule that and these three programs together. Hum.

Saturday, January 02, 2010

Shake Rattle and Roll; Workout plans

Went out to watch a movie and have lunch with the parents, Kuya Julius and Ate Anne, and the kids today. A pretty rare occurrence, I can't remember the last time we were out with our parents (was it for Cesar Montano's Jose Rizal?).

Watched Shake, Rattle, and Roll, uh, 11, with the kids. Meh. Usually I think one of the three segments is somewhat amusing/scary/decent, but for this one, no luck. The lack of originality in the film, if one were to take it as typical of the Filipino film industry, was really depressing.

After waiting nearly an hour to get a table, we had a late lunch at Mann Hann (we typically have Chinese food when we eat out, I don't know why). Burp. Last time I'm pigging out, I swear!

*

I've devised a workout plan, splitting the full-body workout into three days: a "pull" day, a "push" day, and a legs/abs day. Not quite optimal yet (i.e., I mostly based it off of a couple of websites), but it's workable.

Before going through that, though, I'm planning to finish the 100 pushup, 200 situp, and 200 squat programs first (which will take about six weeks, ideally). Need to buy a jump rope or find some other cardio exercise to do, though...

*

Okay, it's January, time to get into jobhunting/full-time personal development mode. Kicking things off with a crash course in computer science/programming basics this Sunday before (possibly) walking in to take the developer exam on Monday. Lez do thees!

Friday, January 01, 2010

Goodbye, mustachioed creatures. Hello, strange men.

Layout image changes, just for kicks. Getting the urge to clean up digital house (meatspace-clean-up is too tedious), perhaps in time for rehabitation / rehabilitation.

Gotta start the year right, but how? Hum.

No. 1, series of 2010.

Happy new year, everyone.

2009 wasn't really my year. Graduated with a disappointing thesis and a disappointing honorific. Worked for five months at a disappointing job. Was dumped because of being rather aimless and, yeah... disappointing. (Well, at least it's going to be easier to go up than down, from where I stand now, right?)

Of course, 2009 wasn't all bad. (I suppose it's just that the last quarter or so of 2009 has been bad enough to affect my perception of the whole year.) Mixed with the sadness and frustration were times of happiness, expectation, and, yeah, fun with friends. While resigning from my job (i.e., taking an undeserved break) hasn't yet resulted in the sweeping life changes and sharp increase in productivity that I was hoping for, it has been somewhat refreshing, somewhat eye-opening. (It took a while for any progress to manifest, though, but I must say that there were certain mitigating circumstances.)

Well, artificial as the transition from one year to the next may be, I believe it's still psychologically useful! 2010, ready or not, here I come!