2008's Blog Posts of the Month!

January 2008: The list of resolutions. 

Did any of these actually get done? Somewhat, I suppose, but "no" would be the honest answer. If I were to draw up a list of resolutions for the next year, they'd be variants of the items on this year's list, so I suppose that means I haven't yet fulfilled them, right? 

February 2008: Crazy bird.

A close encounter with untamed Nature.

March 2008: A day in March: food we ate, a game I played.

Okay, so this was my only blog post in the month of March. Good to see I knew how to focus on the important things, eh?

EDIT: Dratted spotty memory, I knew I was forgetting something. Our experimental physics (Physics 192) class went to Tagaytay for a "Science Camp", which was an overnight trip where we visited Caleruega, Palace in the Sky, ate bulalo at the market, had an amazing race activity, sang and drank and bonded as a batch. To me, it's something like a precursor to the Baguio trip later in the year, which I thought was better because we were a smaller group. Hehe.

April 2008: Walking tour of Intramuros!

That was a very fun day with org friends. We should do that again soon, guys! After graduation, okay, we're going on an outing or trip of some sort? Okay? Okay.

May 2008: A dispatch from the SIEMENS call center. 

Oddly enough, some of the entries from work (April-May) weren't cross-posted over to my Blogger. I forget/wonder why.

The month of horror, when I signed away my soul for pisos. Still, I suppose it was instructive, and those pisos probably paid for a lot of the stuff I still use to this day.

June 2008: Another day in the life.

Following our brief salaried existences we decided to seek out this Japanese restaurant in the Makati area that supposedly offered an authentic dining experience, Serynna. And it did. And we were properly humbled. Visited the Goethe Institute before lunch, caught a French film (with Maggie Cheung!) at Shang after.

July 2008: Tutoring high school kids.

I found teaching kids surprisingly enjoyable and satisfying, and discovered a love for using good chalk and chalkboards.

August 2008: The Black Man with a White Soul ( Part I | Part II )

First time to attend a silent film screening with live choral accompaniment, and first time to write a blog entry in response to a stranger, who was asking for details.

September 2008: Sarah's!

"Guys, guys! Sa Baguio na ulit! Doon pwede na maglasing nang seryoso! Bwahaha." Oh, if I knew how right I would turn out to be.

October 2008: Baguio!

Tough call, what with Kady Day and a trip to Puerto Galera in the same month, but I suppose, all in all, the five days and four drunken nights in Baguio would have to take this month's post of the month award.

November 2008: Start of the sem ruminations.

A month into the semester, and I was as dissatisfied, aimless, and clueless as ever.

December 2008: I guess you could call these resolutions...

And we come to this month. I only resumed blogging a few days ago, with this post detailing yet again my personal struggles with... myself. Tragedy.

***

Remarks:

Before having written this post, I was under the impression that 2008 wasn't a very eventful year. I guess my memory just isn't geared towards remembering events and happenings. I'm really glad I managed, over the year, to blog a few times each month.

This only serves to strengthen my decision to try and get blogging more regularly. There's a whole new year to be lived, and it sure does promise to be an eventful one (honestly, all of 2009 after graduation is still a big blank to me). Adventures await!

Happy new year, guys! :D

Domesticities: microwave oven, coffee maker.

My brother just got a fancy new stainless steel convection/grill/combination microwave oven to replace our old one that broke down some weeks ago. Good thing, too: it's really been a hassle, suddenly not having a microwave oven when everyone's already gotten used to the convenience of heating leftovers and various food items. Especially handy in a largish household where, more often than not, more food than can be eaten in one sitting is prepared.

It's a little intimidating after our slightly stained white plastic microwave oven, with its shiny steely professional look. It can bake your cakes! It can roast your meats! It can probably do quite a number on your poodle(s), too! Okay, what the heck am I doing blogging about our new microwave oven? Seriously, though, I hope the household cooks (i.e., mom and eldest brother) take advantage of the various capabilities of this thing. Roasted birds and various mammal meats sure do sound tasty.

In the same vein, I recently got an Aeropress, having found out about it when I was looking through ebay for espresso pots. It's been single-handedly responsible for increasing my coffee consumption because (a) it makes pretty good concentrated coffee (which some people call espresso; meanwhile coffee purists cringe) that dilutes nicely into a regular cup and also mixes well with milk for a great homemade "latte", and (b) it's so fun and easy to clean. 

The Aeropress is basically constructed like a big syringe, except where the needle would normally go, there's a detachable cap with holes in it that also holds a paper filter. To make coffee, you remove the plunger, put the cap on the main chamber, and set that on top of your mug. Put the grounds in the chamber, pour hot water in, stir for a few seconds, then put the plunger back in and push the water through the coffee, through the filter, into your mug. This whole process takes maybe thirty seconds to a minute. While this part is already fun, the real fun part is removing the cap and filter and ejecting the compacted puck of used grounds into the trash! It's quite satisfying. (So satisfying, in fact, that I had to explain the whole process just so I could talk about clean up.)

This brewing method is not without its drawbacks, of course. First off, it uses up more coffee than other methods - the included scoop is larger than average. Secondly, the resulting brew may be too "clean" so as to be perceived "bland" by some people who prefer otherwise. Personally, I like it better than the results from my French press which usually include a fair amount of sediment that makes it through the metal mesh. Third, the thing itself looks exactly like a big fat syringe. No style at all. And fourth, well, it doesn't really make espresso, as you'd need higher pressures for that, although I'm not personally acquainted with the exact definition, psi requirements, etc. 

Overall, though, I'm plenty satisfied with it. It's convenient, cleanup is fun, made of durable plastic, makes good concentrated filtered coffee. As I speak I'm feeling the effects of the second double-cup of the day, which I finished drinking maybe an hour ago. Maybe not such a good idea.

All this domestic (well, sort of) talk makes me want to have a house (kitchen) of my own to putter around in. I may be graduating soon, but I don't think I'll be able to move out in the foreseeable future. Sigh.

Another bloody mess.

So, a few days ago, Bambee dela Paz blogged about a terrible incident on the golf course:

"At around 1:30 PM today, at Valley Golf and Country Club, Antipolo City, Mayor Nasser Pangandaman, Jr., Mayor of Masiu City, Lanao del Sur, his father, Secretary Nasser Pangandaman of the Department of Agrarian Reform, and company, beat my defenseless 56-year-old dad and my 14-year-old brother to a pulp because of some stupid misunderstanding on the golf course."

According to her story, this mayor and three to four of his goons, I mean, companions, were the ones to initiate the violence, and proceeded to relentlessly beat up her dad and brother, not stopping even when they were already begging them to stop. Apparently because she and her family were brazen enough to complain about the mayor's behaviour, didn't they know who he was, did they not know the meaning of respect?

According to the venerable cabinet member in an interview with the Philippine STAR, however, they were attacked first by that barbaric, libelous family (teenagers these days!) with absolutely no regard for propriety, or body guards. After all, don't people realize how easily the facts can be skewed and misrepresented? Just ask the local police, and the staff of the clubhouse, now those are some fine, honest folk, they'll all respectfully corroborate the Pangandamans' story. 

Or not. I would certainly hope not.

On a more general note, you have to wonder just how often things like this occur. Politics in the rural areas does have a reputation for being bloody and violent, so perhaps something like this is more or less a common occurrence. Perhaps we should just be thankful that nobody was killed, which may be more than others who have dared to cross these warlords and their ilk before can say.

That's just depressing, though.

P.S. Some context on the man himself, the Warlord of Masiu.

It's that time again.

Having witnessed far too many times the power of negative habit formation, and realizing that the first half of this thesis semester is coming alarmingly close to passing by without significant trace, it would only be logical to attempt to reverse trajectory by harnessing the power of positive habit formation. In fact an attempt was made, early this semester, to facilitate the formation of good work habits through the creation of a detailed schedule balancing the required academic work with other pursuits. However, truth be told, absolutely nothing came of it. 

Although figuring out the details of the schedule was fun in its own way, it seemed that once it was actually finished and all set I lost all interest in following it. This could of course be put down simply to a disappointing lack of effort on my part, but I like to think that it could also be because of some personal incompatibility with rigid schedules. Of course, though helpful, a set schedule is not strictly necessary for habit formation. At least I've tried it, though I've got nothing to show for it now.

As the holiday season begins to wind down somewhat and the resumption of school approaches, I can't help but feel the need to give it another try. I have to finish my thesis in a few months, and with my work habits as nonexistent as they are now, I doubt I'll be able to do it. I do realize that to some extent my productivity will be boosted by the pressure that's sure to increase as the deadline creeps even closer, but I'd rather not rely on that effect alone.

I find that I almost always feel a small rush of hope (or more precisely, a kind of giddiness at the limitlessness of personal possibility quickly overcome by the crushing mediocrity of my actual reality) whenever I contemplate putting some new self-improvement plan into action. More often than not it's not due to the actual plan, but just due to the intention, the realization that, hey, some things may actually be under my control, after all. I'm not exactly sure whether my own experience has borne these realizations out.

I'm going to start small, now, and proceed in measured steps. I want to see where that leads me. First, over the next week I will get into the habit of waking up at 6 am or earlier, getting out of bed and doing some sort of exercise. Jumping rope with miscellaneous dumbbell exercises will do for now, until I feel ready to use the weights machine again. I won't force myself to exercise for any particular duration or at any particular intensity, I'm hoping there'll be time enough for that when the habit is already formed.

Also, I will dust off the old thesis/physics/research notebooks and also organize the various research-related files and documents languishing in their near-forgotten folders. I will make a point of spending at least a few thirty-minute or one-hour sessions every day just sitting down and going over my thesis materials. Progress on my thesis is obviously more urgent than progress with my physical fitness, but I still feel I should prioritize habit formation over quick results, and overly pressuring myself is bound to do more harm than good in this regard.

Lastly, I will resume blogging more regularly, daily if possible. This will serve as a form of writing practice, as well as "thinking practice". Again, I won't expect too much of myself for the first few weeks, just getting into the habit will be good enough for me.

And that should be it, for now. I suppose it could be considered a little too unambitious to be called a self-improvement plan, and even I would agree that it is, but then again it's supposed to be only the beginning. Okay, so for tonight I'll let myself off the hook and goof around, say one last goodbye to the lethargic holiday spirit. *tear*

Start of the semester overview and evaluation, and some career thoughts

Okay, I think I need to step back a little and evaluate the first month or so of this semester. It's just been a little too laid back, as if it weren't my last semester as an undergraduate!

Scheduling woes

The main reason for this is that I only go to school three out of five weekdays. Mondays, we give progress reports and attend a seminar on mathematical methods at Theory. Wednesdays and Fridays, I have Bio 11 with a lecture class at 7 AM (!) and the corresponding laboratory class at 11:30 AM. Tuesdays and Thursdays, I only leave the house in the afternoons, after lunch, if at all, and then only to have coffee or something, hang around with Jeanne.

A week or two ago I tried to remedy this problem by creating a schedule for myself, incorporating all the things I wanted/needed to pursue this semester. Thesis, raket, writing (fiction, essays, etc., for fun), programming (learning Python), driving (practicing), exercise, etc. But although I managed to create what seemed to be a workable, balanced schedule with the more important things being allotted more time, it still didn't work. 

I don't know if I should bother trying to revise the schedule or not. If I do, I think what I failed to take into account was how much energy each activity would actually require. I can't just jam my day full of different activities and expect myself to handle it every time. Possibly, I should put in coffee breaks, game/internet breaks, and so on.

It did meet with some success, I guess I should note here. By scheduling raket time on Tuesday/Thursday mornings, I managed to be a little more productive than usual, earning me something like 9k for the month of November. (Di ko papansinin ang mga hihirit ng "Libre, libre!" :P)

In almost everything else, though, I'm remaining/falling behind. Currently trying today to come up with some decent progress to report tomorrow. I don't know yet if I'll be successful, but I do have the entire rest of the day to work on my research, so there's hope yet. As for the other pursuits I set for myself, no progress at all. 

(Pauses to get some apple juice. Yum.)

Karir Tots

I've also been thinking recently about my job options after graduation, but no real breakthroughs there yet. Perhaps I shouldn't be all that bothered by that yet, and focus on coming up with a thesis and fixing all the things I need to graduate, but one can't help but wonder. 

Option 1: Article writing BS, este, raket

One option that could seriously be considered would be working full-time for this raket stuff that I'm already doing. I've thought about it out loud before, and basically I could end up earning nearly 17k a month just for writing a few articles per day. The stream of work from the guy I work for seems to be steady enough now to make it entirely possible to do it regularly. 

Before, when he was just starting out, sometimes there'd be dry spells when he would have no jobs from clients, and so even if I wanted to I couldn't do any work myself. But now he's employing a dozen or more writers and everyone seems to have work all the time. He even has editors and quality control people now. Aside: I find it somewhat amusing/inspiring that this guy actually is (in his words) "bulakbol sa grammar", yet now he's running a growing SEO/Internet content provider.

Anyway, the appeal of this route lies in the fact that it's a home-based job that only takes up a few hours a day. The rest of the day could then be devoted to whatever else I might be interested in at the time. School, developing other skills, and so on. But as this semester seems to be showing, my time management skills and motivation aren't up to snuff. 

Of course, the fact that this is boring, tedious, soulless work must be taken into consideration. Although to be fair it's only boring, tedious, and soulless for a few hours a day, and I get to be bored with this tedium and soullessness at home. A much more attractive option than holding down a similarly boring, tedious, and soulless 9-to-5 (like that Siemens call center gig I tried last summer).

Option 2: Corporate whoredom

Okay, so this isn't quite as well-defined an option as that first one. And the only step I've taken towards making this possible is a half-hearted application for the Unilever Management Trainee program. I don't have much hopes of getting accepted, but, hey, application just consisted of filling up a form and emailing it off, so, nothing much to lose, either.

As for working for other companies, I'm not so sure. Maybe some firm like Texas Instruments or Intel would have openings for technical positions such that my physics training wouldn't entirely go to waste. 

Basically, I lump under this option all jobs that would require regular hours, that are for some medium to large company, and that come with relatively sizable salaries. The tradeoff here is free time (and sanity? dignity? etc.) for more money. I'm not too keen about this prospect, but at the same time I can't entirely rule it out yet, either. I suppose working at some corporate job for a few months would allow me to decide once and for all whether it's actually worth it or not. (Indications would seem to point towards not, but hey, who knows?)

Option 3a: Teaching

Okay, this is also rather hazy for me right now, but it seems to be one of the most natural paths for physics graduates, so it won't be so hard to get into, probably. This could involve becoming an instructor at the NIP, while also taking an MS. 

Now, my only problem with this at the moment is that I'm not so sure I'm set on going into the academe, and I don't think I'm set on becoming a teacher full-time, either. I mean, I enjoy teaching and explaining stuff from time to time, but doing it for a living and as a career seems to require more patience and dedication than I'm capable of.

Teaching at Pisay could also be interesting, right? 

Option 3b: Academe

Okay, this is another natural development of my undergraduate degree, and more or less goes with Option 2a. Like I've said before, it's not that I'm not interested in doing research. I do enjoy interacting with the Theorists that I've met so far, and on the whole they're all interesting, intelligent people who love what they're doing. In contrast, I'm a waffler who can't decide whether he should be trying to love or not. 

So my beef with this path at the moment is simply my uncertainty. I don't know if it's a reasonable position, but I don't want to jump into the academe just yet, without being sure. Perhaps I feel this way because I can already see how it can swallow me up. If I end up finding out that I'm not cut out for the academe while I'm already inside, may the nonexistent gods help my nonexistent soul.

I would also want to be able to finance my way through education on my own. Mostly because I don't think my family sees the point in academic stuff, and I can't be bothered to try and explain. Eheh. So, even if I eventually end up choosing this path, I can't see how I can do it right away, after graduation.

Option 4: Okay, I'm all out of feasible options.

Working at the family business (brokerage)? Working odd jobs in some other country? Retreating to the mountains and a simple, rural life? Becoming a professional blogger/writer? Taking up law/medicine?

Summary, concluding remarks

Okay, so this has gotten a bit long and rambly, without really going anywhere, as usual. Basically, however, my current goal is to find some job that would still allow me enough time to at least keep other interests alive. Earn my first money, think hard about what I want to do with my life. Then go for it, after I muster the necessary money, courage, motivation, etc.

In this sense, the raket job seems perfect. But I'll have to see. It'd be rather hard to pitch to the family, for example. (They don't know about it. Eheh.)

If there were a job that would use my physics training, even just the problem-solving, analytical or mathematical part of it, that would also be a good choice. Keeping the old brain from dulling. Although I can also do some work on my own by studying further, no matter what job I end up getting (settling for? haha), anyway.

So, I guess, all in all, I'm not too worried. Part of it might just be a misplaced confidence in myself (that I'll manage somehow, that things'll work out), but at least it'll leave me free to worry about more immediate things. Like my progress report tomorrow. Should end this here and continue working. 

To the future!

Nagpupumilit na namang mag-Tagalog ang ugok.

Ngayong araw nagsimula ang enrollment, at katulad ng palaging nangyayari, kahit sa huling semester kong ito ay hindi ko pa rin kinayang tapusin ang proseso nang isang araw lang. (Ngayon naman dahil sa isang delingkwenteng propesor na hindi pa nilalabas ang mga marka namin sa klase niya. Pero ika nga ng adviser ko, "What's new?")

May nangyari naman sa akin sa UP kahit papaano. Nakuha ko 'yung mga papeles na kailangan, nakapagpalista ako sa huling kursong kailangan ko (Physics 200), at nakapagpagawa na ako kay Dr. Soriano ng sertipikasyong 9 units na lang ako ngayong semester (para sa Oblation Scholarship).

Pero dahil pumunta akong UP ngayon, nahatak ako ng mga batchmate sa Trinoma para mananghalian at manood ng Ikatlong Mataas na Paaralang Nauukol sa Tugtugin***. Pagkatapos ng sine ay biniro ko silang naiyak ako. Dahil siento-sitenta pesos at halos dalawang oras din ang nagastos ko. Natuwa naman ako sa ilang bahagi, pero sa kabuuan...

Ano pa ba. Pumunta kaming Toast Box pagkatapos. Nakakain ulit ako ng toast na may pork floss, sarap. Pagkatapos namin lahat magkape napasarap din ang tsismisan; pakiramdam ko nga ang ingay na namin (nila, haha) masyado. Pero baka ako lang 'yun, masyadong dinaramdam ang pag-iingay. Nung kailangan na naming umalis bigla kong na-miss 'yung Baguio na walang curfew curfew.



***nauukol sa tugtog ó tugtugin: adj. musical.
Source: http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/20738
Originally published in 1915.

Buhay Baguio: October 21-25, 2008.

Limang araw at apat na gabi sa Baguio: nakakapagod, magastos, pero sobrang saya. Hahayaan ko na 'yung mga iba kong kasamang mag-kwento nang mas detalyado, hehehe. Halu-halo na 'to, hindi ko na pagsusunurin nang maayos ang mga pangyayari. Basta. Makinig (magbasa) na lang kayo kung gusto niyo.

Ang ipinunta namin (kuno) sa Baguio ay ang conference ng Samahan ng Pisika sa Pilipinas (SPP). Pero ang nangyari naman talaga, nag-gala kami sa Baguio, tuluyang sinulit ang hotel, at nag-inuman gabi-gabi. (Kahit na hindi naman boring 'yung conference, siyempre kung ikukumpara sa mga iba pang mga pwedeng gawin sa Baguio, hindi rin siya ganun ka-exciting, pasensya na lang.)



Wala akong reklamo sa mga bus ng Victory Liner na sinakyan namin papunta at pabalik. Swabe naman ang biyahe, nakapag-usap naman kami ni Lei (na katabi ko sa biyaheng papunta) nang maayos. Okay lang din naman ang mga upuan nila, pero sabi ng iba naming mga kasamang napadpad sa may likuran, namamatay-matay ang aircon dun. Ah, basta, sa kinaupuan namin walang problema.



Maganda ang Bloomfield Hotel: bago, malinis, malapit na lakaran lang mula sa SM, UP Baguio, Session Road, Burnham Park, atbp. Mababait din ang mga staff. (Pero pangit ang Screwdriver nila sa bar, lasang matabang na orange juice lang. At siyempre medyo mahal rin ang binayaran namin, pero sa tingin ko nasulit naman.)

Maayos ang Executive Suite na kinuha namin. Tatlong bedroom, dalawang banyo, isang living area. Minahal namin ang sofa-bed kung saan naganap ang panginginom (at ang pamamato ng lobo at paluan ng unan).



Nakapagsuot ako ng leather jacket, halos gabi-gabi rin. Saan pa ba kasi magagamit yun dito sa Pilipinas kundi sa Baguio?



Nung isang gabi, nag-inuman ang halos buong batch sa Brew Yard, isang bar sa Nevada Square. Dalawampu't apat na katao, isang bandang game sa pagpapakanta kahit sa mga taga-Physics at 'di naman kagalingan (biro lang, Amarra, Fritz, Lei, Jorge, at Rica!). Special mention din dun sa mga natamaan nang todo: ang birthday boy na si Anthony, at ang mangiyak-ngiyak na si Rica (tungkol ba talaga saan 'yun, hmm?).



Iba-iba ang mga nasubukan namin. Nakakain ako ng pinikpikan, carabao milk yogurt, tortang talong na may kesong puti, sariwang gulay, mountain rice, at s'mores cake. Nakapag-jogging at boating kami sa Burnham. Bumisita kami sa mga Pink Sisters, sa Botanical Garden (medyo mahaba-habang lakaran ang naganap para dito), at sa Minesview. At, hindi pahuhuli, nakasubok kami ng strawberry wine, tapuy (rice wine), sari-saring cocktails, Kahlua, at Jack Daniel's. Nasubukan din naming mag-eat-and-run sa SPP: pumunta kami para sa merienda sa umaga, nag-SM, bumalik para sa tanghalian, pumuntang Minesview, at bumalik para sa Fellowship Night. (At, sige na nga, nasubukan ko ring malasing hanggang makatulog at magkulong sa banyo nang tatlong oras. Walanghiyang Gran Matador at Tanduay 'yan, sa banyo na nga ako natulog, masakit pa ulo ko kinabukasan.)



Sa dami ng mga napuntahan namin sa Baguio, para sa akin, ang naging pinakamasayang lugar sa mga ito ay ang suite namin pa rin. Doon, kami ay naglasing, nagkwentuhan (madalas hanggang madaling-araw), tumambay, at natulog (kahit na konti lang). Kaya maraming salamat sa mga batchmates at kaibigang nakasama ko sa suite: Amarra (special thanks sa 'yo para sa nilibre mong Kahlua, beer, cocktails, at Jack Daniel's), Laganapan, Lao, Lim (special thanks din para sa paghahanap sa Bloomfield Hotel), Mercado, at Suarez. (Special guests: Narag (tour guide!) at Uy.)



Saan ang next batch gimik? Siguraduhin nating may plano tayo pagkatapos ng graduation! Pero sa ngayon, pahinga muna, at ang unti-unting pagbabalik sa dating buhay.



P.S. Okay, that wasn't as hard as I thought. But it probably sounds a little weird to people who actually speak/write well in Filipino. (Lumalabas ang pagka-Atenista/Ex-Libris-UP-member kapag sinusubukan kong mag-Filipino, e.)

Puerto Galera

I had a great time at Puerto Galera this weekend - and it was my (and Jeanne's) first time to leave the island of Luzon!

The trip to and from Puerto Galera took around four to five hours, with a 2-3 hour bus ride from Manila to Batangas Port and then a 1-2 hour ferry boat ride to Mindoro. The ferry ride was fun for the first few minutes, but the novelty wore off rather quickly. Fortunately, neither of us turned out to be susceptible to seasickness. Unfortunately, the weather forecast of rain proved accurate, and we landed onto a rainy beach.

After some hunting around, we ended up getting two rooms at White Beach Hotel. Kady's sister's boyfriend cooked lunch (tocino and hotdogs), and after eating we went off to enjoy the beach.

Being people who appreciate simple pleasures, enjoying the beach mostly meant playing with the sand, collecting some rocks (the sand by the way was rather coarse, and there were a lot of pebbles and stones) and trying to skip others, and letting ourselves be pushed to and fro by the waves. Oh, and playing with Kady's sister's adorable little baby, who seemed to take to Jeanne and me quite well.

Once we got tired of flailing around in the rain, we went back to our rooms and played some cards, mostly pusoy dos. After dinner (spaghetti with red, red sauce), we continued playing cards - and broke out the chocolate milk (+condensed milk +vodka).

(This mix was dubbed "the drink of amazing powers" by Kat, that time she showed us how to make it. We tend to agree, since the alcohol taste is quite effectively masked by the chocolate milk and the sweetness. The original recipe called for gin, but vodka seemed better, contributing only a slight spicy aftertaste.)

At around midnight the three of us walked back to the beach to look at the stars and talk a little (and sober up, as it would turn out). They say they saw shooting stars, but I personally didn't, boo. Eventually we all got pretty sleepy (we were lying down on the sand) and decided to go back and sleep.

The morning went as all mornings-when-you-have-to-return-to-reality do. Woke up relatively late (9 am), spent a little more time on the beach (it wasn't raining anymore, I think we got a slight tan), and packed up. Left on the ferry at about 1 pm, after getting some small pasalubong items from a handicraft/souvenir shop.

We parted ways at the port: Jeanne and I boarded a bus to Cubao, while Kady and her sister's family went on their way home to Laguna. About two and a half hours later we were having dinner at Tropical Hut, and a little later were back home. Bow.


On an unrelated note, I now have a Plurk widget near the bottom of my Blogger page!

Eventful day

I am pooped right now, so I'll just give a quick rundown of today's events:

- the passing around of org cake at ChocKiss
- Math exam
- Jollibee/Tomato Kick/Bookay Ukay
- "Chocolate milk" at Kate's room
- Pork Barrel Kalayaan for videoke with Physics people

A fair amount of alcohol use, but no significant effect, it would seem. Going to sleep now; a more substantial entry may come in the morning.

Things that only seem like good ideas

Only one of these things is based on personal experience, and it wasn't intentional, we promise!

Undergoing tweakery.

So my Blogger has become doodly, and now is undergoing some other cosmetic changes. Please bear with the current color scheme for the moment, as I really need to get to sleep. Will fix as soon as possible.

My CSS/HTML is a little rusty. I miss the days when I'd cobble together an entire layout on my own. Maybe I'll give that a try, one of these days.

Should I go to grad school?

Should I Go to Grad School?

Short answer: no.

...

Just don't try graduate school in an academic subject with the same spirit of carefree experimention. Medical school, sure. Law school, no problem. But a Ph.D in an academic field? Forget it. If you take one step down that path, I promise you, it'll hurt like blazes to get off, even if you're sure that you want to quit after only one year.

Two years in, and quitting will be like gnawing your own leg off.

Past that, and you're talking therapy and life-long bitterness.

...

If you decide in your first year that it is not for you--indeed, suppose you conclude that you're better than all of this, a broader, richer thinker who can't be constrained by the ivory tower--you will still have to deal with the nagging fear that somehow, some way, you just weren't good enough, that you couldn't cut the mustard. That fear will almost certainly be wrong. Perseverance can get most students through graduate school. You should feel good about how well you know yourself if you decide to quit. But academia is a total culture. It changes your standards for what is good and what is bad, what is smart and what is dumb.

Independently evaluating academic life from within its confines is a near-impossibility.

I've more or less already decided not to go to grad school, at least not immediately after graduation. Many factors contributed to this decision, but basically I realized that I am nowhere near ready for such a big leap into the academic life.

This article only serves to further strengthen my decision. After graduation, I'll hopefully be able to find a job balancing free time with decent compensation, and take time off from the academic life for a while. If I find that I miss it enough, who knows, I may eventually return.

I therefore conclude... (or, Y SO SRS?)

...after some deliberation and thoughtful conversation:

1. I am not as smart as I think I am.

2. I should not stop striving to meet the high standards that I believe I should be meeting. The magna cum laude I'll most probably be getting when I graduate, to be perfectly frank, means little to me, because it could have easily been summa, and because I know, personally, that I haven't been performing as well as I possibly could have been.

I have been lowering my standards (or at least reasoning to myself that these lower standards do exist and are just as valid) in justification of my natural laziness, it seems to me now.

3. I should stop regretting the past, or at least turn this regret into more productive, forward-looking avenues. I can't do anything about my shortcomings in the past, but I can still do something to ensure that my future performance will be better.

4. Contentment is different from satisfaction. One gets satisfaction from fulfilling a goal or meeting a need; contentment is a subtler thing having to do with how one looks at the world.

5. Now that I think about it, contentment seems more suited to my temperament than goal-driven satisfaction. But where does that leave statement no. 2 above?

6. I suck at making conclusions.

I have returned.

Saying goodbye to Plurk

These past few weeks, I've been mostly over at Plurk, and any urge to blog was quickly worn down by a barrage of tiny little micro-entries (i.e., plurks). While satisfying enough, it was beginning to feel a bit too stifling.

Plurk works well as a sort of cross between a chatroom, a forum, and a blog. The interface is very user-friendly and quirky enough to be interesting, with the karma point system and the ubiquitous dancing bananas. The interface makes it easy (and quite addicting!) to keep up with new plurks and responses to plurks.

I would say it works best when you have a bunch of good friends along with you - Plurk makes for a good way to keep in touch with and amuse one another. So while I did have fun watching friends interact with their friends, but I don't think it really worked all that well for me, personally.

With just barely over a semester left in college, I probably would find it more useful than ever to get my thoughts in order by writing them out. So I'm quitting Plurk and trying to get back to regular blogging.



Saying hello to "old friends"

These past few days have been almost totally unproductive. I spent my time on Plurk, reading Blade of the Immortal, and playing Monsters' Den (and Monsters' Den 2). I could come up with excuses, but I'll leave them out for now, for brevity.

I've been in a research-work rut for this entire semester. Although I do attend the weekly seminar, I've also been utterly dry, production-wise. Sure, I've been reading up on my own, but I can't seem to get started on an actual project by myself. Perhaps it's time to admit this and ask for a little help from my adviser. I've only been putting it off because I wanted to be able to talk with him only when I had something to offer myself, but as it happened I still have nothing, even after a couple of months on my own.

As to my classes, they're manageable enough, but I haven't been getting the most out of them. I will be getting good grades, perhaps even 1.0's, but only because the professors are letting us off easy. Even with high grades in Physics 152 and 170, I still know next to nothing about statistical mechanics or solid state physics. Again, this is due to a lack of motivation and effort on my part: had I studied harder and solved more problems on my own, I could've gained a better understanding of what the heck we were supposed to be learning.

So, like I said, nothing much is new. Hello, old friends. I am afraid to say, I do not seem to be better-equipped than before to meet you; we shall have to make do with the usual routine of frustration and regret.



The future?

I have taken the liberty of preparing this idealized schematic for how I'd like to proceed:

BLOGGING -> SELF-UNDERSTANDING -> MOTIVATION -> EFFECTIVENESS -> SUCCESS

(Realistically, the first link is the most suspect. I've been blogging for years, and look where it got me. Nowhere.)

Kierkegaard says:

"There is something missing in my life, and it has to do with my need to understand what I must do, what I must know-except, of course, that a certain amount of knowledge is presupposed in every action. I need to understand my purpose in life, to see what God wants me to do, and this means that I must find a truth which is true for me, that I must find that Idea for which I can live and die. For what would it profit me if I found the so-called ‘objective truth’, if I worked through all the systems of philosophy and were able to analyze them and expose their inconsistencies; what would it profit me to develop a political theory and combine all the intricate details of politics into a complete whole, and so construct a world for the exhibition of others but in which I did not live; what would it profit me if I develop the correct interpretation of Christianity in which I resolved all the internal problems, if it had no deeper significance for me and for my life; what would it profit me if truth stood before me cold and naked; indifferent to whether I recognized her or not, creating in me paroxysms of anxiety rather than confident devotion?"

Just another MBTI test.

MBTI test:

http://4np.net/ddli/


Results:

Please bear in mind that the DDLI does not tell you what your type is. It merely indicates what might be your type with some degree of probability. Do not take your results on the DDLI as the final word on what your type is. With that said, here are your results:

Jomel+Imperio's scores on the main set of questions:

Extraversion (E):   0     56 :(I) Introversion
Sensing      (S):  16     58 :(N) iNtuition
Thinking     (T):  44     25 :(F) Feeling
Judging      (J):  21     42 :(P) Perceiving

You scored as an INTP.

Assuming that you are an INTP,
Your DOMINANT function is Introverted Thinking.
Your AUXILIARY function is Extraverted Intuition.
Your TERTIARY function is Introverted Sensing.
Your INFERIOR function is Extraverted Feeling.

Please bear in mind that the supplementary questions are experimental and may be highly unreliable. If these scores conflict with your previous scores, it is probably because the questions are still not reliable enough.

Jomel+Imperio's scores on the supplementary questions:

Extraverted Thinking / Introverted Feeling   : 28
Extraverted Feeling / Introverted Thinking   : 45

Extraverted Intuition / Introverted Sensing  : 25
Extraverted Sensing / Introverted Intuition  : 25

Rationality (Dominant Judging Function)      : 40
A-rationality (Dominant Perceiving Function) : 13

According to the supplementary scores, Jomel+Imperio could be an EXFJ or an IXTP. These are opposite types, because the supplementary questions measure for preferences that opposite types share in common. See the FAQ for an explanation.

These results are consistent with your score as an INTP.

Yearbook writeup. (Beware!)

Okay so it might be spoiling the surprise for some people, but here is what I came up with. I think it's tolerable - I probably won't be too ashamed of this in the future.

Text in italics are going to be left out of the writeup I'll actually be submitting, obviously. :D

***

Jomel Imperio, 20, male: would rather listen than talk, can whistle quite well but has failed at learning the piano or the harmonica, is attempting to improve his handwriting, has read a lot of books and webcomics; hopes to grow a fine, thick beard for thoughtful stroking; is a proud member of the Theoretical Physics Group, loves writing on chalkboards, may someday be a physicist perhaps; enjoys poetry and (interactive) fiction, would write songs if he had any musical ability to speak of, has been an on-again off-again blogger since 2004, may someday be a writer perhaps (yet has agonized over this writeup for perhaps a good week); is a good student yet susceptible to bouts of laziness; appreciates silence, is probably an INTP (introverted, intuitive, thinking, perceiving), is prone to omphaloskepsis, has his silly moments (that only a privileged few are allowed to witness); was a premature baby, was a precocious child, is a quiet young man; has on the whole enjoyed college immensely but is somewhat eager (if a little nervous) to commence; likes run-on sentences, is aware of the multiple punctuation abuses that have been committed here, and begs your indulgence.



(Rejects: is loved by his friends, admired by his peers, and respected by his enemies; is despondent at not being a genius; has delusions of grandeur; has undergone an existential crisis during the course of writing this; likes long moonlit walks along fine sandy beaches with dogs and mothers-in-law…)


(Rejected rejects: Rejects: has yet to experience being hungover (but not from lack of trying, the lucky massive bastard); has not changed much from the high school student who wrote the following gem: “I am young but I am growing; hope I know where I am going!”; wishes he hadn’t left Ateneo; believes in God, would like to do what Jesus would do; is unequivocally confident and self-assured and happy; is crying inside; is secretly emo and wishes he had thick black plastic frames.)

Sarah's

So, first time at Sarah's. Finally, I can call myself a UP student.

First time in a long while to meet the applied physics people again; it was fun to get together with batchmates and just talk.

Four Red Horses, and I could've had more, except that I had to let the buzz and the smell wear off before going home. Eheh.

Guys, guys! Sa Baguio na ulit! Doon pwede na maglasing nang seryoso! Bwahaha.

The same old scientific eggs.

Albert Einstein to his childhood friend Paul Habicht, written in Connecticut, 5 July, 1935. The reference in the first sentence is to Habicht's ill-health.

"I heard recently that the Devil - the only one who is never without work these days - has had his claws firmly in you. He will let you go again sooner or later, as in the long period of our separation has already happened to me twice, although he seemed to have me firmly in his paws. Do you still remember when we were young, and we were working together on those nice little electrostatic machines? Do you also remember our conversation about the politics of Germany, which you were still defending during the war, while I had already got to know at first hand the consequent dangers? I weighed anchor just at the right moment from there, so that I at least didn't get to feel the claws of the clean-cut heroes in my back. I have now set up home in this curious new world and am still brooding like an old hen on the same old scientific eggs, even if the bodily warmth which one needs for brooding has rather diminished over the years. What is so nice in this country is that the people don't sit so much on top of one another and, as a result, feel more comfortable with each other. So I sit here the whole summer in a quiet bay and sail in a little sailing boat as much as I want to. And one becomes some sort of Indian in this sun."

(from The Greatest Letters Ever Written, via viim)

R.I.P.

These past few days have seen a grim return
of something I surmised had disappeared.
At least I thought I would learn more before
again I volunteered (without concern)
untreated chunks of ore, which, though sincere,
all need a master, not a paramour.

Okay, okay, the meter's not so strict.
And yes perhaps the rather rigid rhyme
(for sure a purely arbitrary pick)
just clouds all meaning, obvious or sublime.

But then again is that not just the point?
The heavens choose a blest few to anoint.

***

Well that was a pointless waste of time. Fun, but pointless.

Kudos to the first person to guess what the title acronym stands for. Pretty obvious, I should say.

Guys, guys.

Um, I seem to have contracted a severe case of Facebook. *hides*

Wordle!

Here's a fun little toy: Wordle. You enter text either by pasting it in or by providing the URL to any website with an RSS feed, and it converts your input into these nifty word clouds. The image above was generated from a 4,000 word story (for the lack of a better word) of mine from long ago - which I am still quite fond of.

Plurk!

I've had a Plurk account for a while, but haven't been using it much. Any of you guys also use Plurk? It's something like Twitter, only... better? From what I hear, anyway, since I don't have personal experience with Twitter.

Visit my Plurk page!

Bagpipes+banjo+harp+synth+opera+hiphop+children+cowboy+WalMart!

Found out about it through Ryan North's LJ.

Some crazy conceptual artists used the results of a survey to compose the "most unwanted song". This is all you need to know:

The most unwanted music is over 25 minutes long, veers wildly between loud and quiet sections, between fast and slow tempos, and features timbres of extremely high and low pitch, with each dichotomy presented in abrupt transition. The most unwanted orchestra was determined to be large, and features the accordion and bagpipe (which tie at 13% as the most unwanted instrument), banjo, flute, tuba, harp, organ, synthesizer (the only instrument that appears in both the most wanted and most unwanted ensembles). An operatic soprano raps and sings atonal music, advertising jingles, political slogans, and "elevator" music, and a children's choir sings jingles and holiday songs. The most unwanted subjects for lyrics are cowboys and holidays, and the most unwanted listening circumstances are involuntary exposure to commercials and elevator music. Therefore, it can be shown that if there is no covariance—someone who dislikes bagpipes is as likely to hate elevator music as someone who despises the organ, for example—fewer than 200 individuals of the world's total population would enjoy this piece.

If you enjoy weird, fun, innovative music (like I apparently do), have a listen! (One thing to keep in mind is that this song came out in the nineties, and back then weird music probably didn't have as wide an audience as it would have in this sick, sick day and age. So they were actually ahead of their time!)

Oh, there's also a Most Wanted Song, but it's actually much more forgettable. Jazzy love song with R&B vocals, eh.

The Black Man with a White Soul (part II)

In response to a comment (just someone asking for more details):

The film was very interesting and out of the ordinary, partly because it is in fact a silent film from many decades ago. But apart from "historical interest" the film was funny and charming in its own way. I must observe, however, that the racism was quite strong: in the plot, the successful black man still fails to get the girl because the girl could not overcome her aversion to Negroes. On the other hand, it's also entirely possible that the movie is not as much racist as it is instead about racism, with about as much insight as they could muster in those times. (OKAY I know nothing about silent films and/or racism, so I'll stop here.)

The music was excellent. This was the first time that we have heard a performance by the Novo Concertante Manila, and they certainly did not disappoint us. I cannot say anything bad about their performance, and the music (that I hear was an original composition for this movie) fit the movie very well.

The choral accompaniment really made the screening much more special and unique, almost theatrical. In particular, a scene that we both found memorable was a hair-raising dream sequence. The girl, Emma, having just met Pedro/Peter, the black man (the protagonist), is haunted by an uncontrollable fear. In her dream, Peter and his tribesmen perform a sinister ceremony inside the mouth of a gorilla, and Peter himself swoops down to her bedside to steal her away. They overlaid footage of Peter and Emma's "spirits" over footage of Emma sleeping in her bed, effectively creating a ghostly effect, which was further enhanced (in our eyes) by the soft, blurry quality of the film.

But more than the visuals, as good as they were, the choral score for this particular scene really made it shine. Imagine: in the moonlit darkness, a woman sleeps in her bed, wearing a flowing white nightgown; but the spirit of a black man in tribal costume comes, wakes her spirit, and kidnaps her in what was really a wonderful dance sequence. Creepy, beautiful visuals in the interplay of whites and grays and blacks, and all the while, a live choir (!) filling the entire cinema with a visceral (strong beats you could almost feel in your chest) yet also otherwordly accompaniment.

So, in short, the silent film itself was decent and interesting enough, but the choral accompaniment was what made the screening excellent.

The Black Man with a White Soul

This is the Spanish entry to the Second Manila International Silent Film Festival, and also the first film to be shown.

Being the indecisive kids that we are, we only decided this afternoon to watch this movie at Shangri-la at 7 pm. So we trooped off, in our student clothes and backpacks - to discover, upon arriving at the cinema, what seemed to be a roped-off wine-and-bread-sticks party. For people in suits, and their equivalents. After the initial snicker or two at the sheer ridiculousness of the suits crammed - roped! - together in such a sad fashion, it dawned on us that, hey, this is actually a Silent Film Festival, with Capitals, and these people were in on it!

Anyway it wasn't really so bad, although as the cinema was just beginning to fill up, I couldn't shake the feeling that some of the people standing around (and obviously part of the proceedings in some way) were looking at us amusedly.

The silent film was to be accompanied by live music, for this film provided by the Novo Concertante Manila, and in fact we found the members of the chamber choir sitting in formation up front right by the screen. So, it turns out that we fortuitously decided to attend a silent film exhibition with the score provided by a live choir, which I'd suspect isn't such a common occurrence? In any case, it must be double the culture points?

It was a strange experience, having a choir a few feet away rendering a score for a blurry old racist (but also charming funny) silent film. The score was consistently good (I'd say excellent, but I don't have the authority and am crippled by a fear of failure and a lack of self-esteem OH WHOOPS did I say that out loud).

The film's ostensible flaws (blurriness, racism) were for the most part just artifacts of its context. Of course it would appear blurry to modern viewers, since cameras have improved astronomically since then (and the blurriness isn't entirely a flaw, either, since (a) it looked pretty at times and (b) when it isn't pretty, at least one gets used to it after the first few scenes). The racism (apparent from just hearing the title), well, it was an era before political correctness, and perhaps a more complex, redemptive plot just couldn't be fit into the film, using the techniques of the time.

The other entries in this year's festival also seem interesting; it's really too bad that their schedules mostly don't work out with ours. Ah, well, at least I can say that I've seen at least one silent film (with live music!) in my life.

Free Wifi!

Unexpectedly, there is at least one unsecured network at the Shang food court! Thank you, "linksys".

Watching a silent film (with live music!) later. Wooo.

Back online, bitches.

Oh my, forgive me that uncharacteristic vulgarity, but it is awesome to have internet access at home again. After more than a month of having no phone line or DSL, it feels a little odd to be back online. I feel almost out of practice (as if being on the Internet were a profession or skilled pursuit)!

So of course I blame this sudden development for my complete and utter non-productivity this weekend. The biggest timesucks have been: INTP Central, Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal (e.g. 1, 2, 3, 4), and Full Metal Alchemist.

Been trying to get into using TiddlyWiki, to not much avail. It seems to be too much for my purposes; I don't, at the moment, really have that much information I need to keep track of. Just a basic (rudimentary, even) to do list, schedules and deadlines, a few journal entries here and there.

Hrm. Well. Life hasn't been very exciting recently, to tell the truth. Still just a student, plugging away at the same things. It may be senior year, but so far it hasn't really sunk in yet that I'm going to be graduating (and looking for work and/or a career, getting forcibly assimilated into the mainstream, etc etc) soon.

Speaking of work, I may have to get into another racket pretty soon. I've nearly depleted what money I had managed to save up over the last year with the article-writing and that one-month call center stint. Hrm. Student blues.

In which some not altogether unexpected announcements are made.

Okay, first off, let me just say that I hate my aging computer for having restarted on me and making me lose all my Firefox tabs, including a blog entry I was just about to publish - I knew I shouldn't have bothered hitting "preview & spell check".



I have just realized that the last essay I've been working on was rather ill-conceived, mainly because I have no right to even be thinking of a career in writing, sorry. Not at this point, at any rate, when I have no significant experience in the field. I guess I was fancying myself a writer wannabe, which is all kinds of sad, as undeniably true things often are. Well, I definitely won't be giving up on exploring that option, but I won't dare to, you know, write about it just yet.

So, the first announcement is about that latest essay: it is now officially dead, stillborn perhaps, but at least saved from a futile existence.



I've been sort of slacking off lately. I blame the fact that I only have six units of physics coursework, three units of math (an easy, boring elective), and a three-unit GE. Rounding out this semester's fifteen units is 199, which is basically thesis work, but since we'd been meeting with our adviser since last year anyway, the thesis course itself didn't change much.

I made up for it a little tonight with some physics-related reading and foolery. I will get used to you yet, research. Coursework hasn't been too heavy, but a bit more effort couldn't hurt.

Second announcement: I will make being a nerd my career until graduation. (Well, a nerd that actually gets things done, that is.)



Third announcement: PANDA PAN DA PANDA PAN DA PANPANDA!

Tutoring, QC, and a little thing called Plurk

Tutored at Payatas HS again last Saturday, assisting Jeanne in teaching Biology, and teaching Trigonometry myself. Spent nearly the whole day there; surprisingly enough, had a lot of fun.

I find that I really like writing with good, soft chalk on a blackboard. And in fact my board-writing is better than my paper-writing, or so Jeanne says.

Teaching that trigonometry class was quite rewarding, especially near the end when the students were asking questions of their own volition. I do seem to have some talent for explaining things, and I'm sure that I've managed to teach them useful things.

(To my discredit, however, I taught them the wrong thing about the statistical median! I'll have to ask the next tutors to clear this up with them.)



Currently reading through the Questionable Content archives. Apart from getting to reread some entertaining comics, I'm also discovering some new music. (Deerhoof, The Flaming Lips, Mogwai, etc.) Good times.



PS. I don't think Plurk is really for me, but, hey, if any of you guys ever end up using it, go ahead and add me.

The evolution of an essay (part 1)

Here's the first part of the revised essay. Will be posting parts as they finish being revised, and then the complete essay once it's finally done. (Talk about shameless.)

***
Situationer

I am twenty years old; I am in my fifth and final year of an undergraduate course in physics in the University of the Philippines Diliman; I have no clear idea of what I want to be doing once I leave college; I would like to, hence this essay.


Physics, the academe, and research

It would be easiest and most logical to simply finish what I've begun, and continue working my way into the academe. I am taking BS Physics, which prepares students for careers in research, as opposed to BS Applied Physics, which prepares students for being useful and actually earning money. I have some potential for it, shown arguably by my magna cum laude standing. I am not averse to the academic life, and indeed I can see myself enjoying the intellectual exertions of independent research, not to mention the relative freedom that it can afford.

In comparison to quite a few people however, most of whom I have met in the Theoretical Physics Group, I feel like an imposter. I envy them for their enthusiasm and strong sense of belonging. These people would marry physics and live happily ever after; I just meet her once in a while for sex. We have been at it for four years, and like any normal girl would she has been putting pressure on me to finally commit.

Working harder is the delightfully generic prescription for any and all doubts, insecurities, or lack of motivation. Since thesis year is the culmination of a long period of study, and supposedly another step closer to a career in physics research, it has been getting more and more unreasonable not to hurry and swallow that particular pill already.

That is not to say that it has become easier or more likely to happen. But any way I try to envision a future full-time physics career, it always involves much more dedication, much more discipline than I currently possess. Or the more creative application thereof, which would still require conscious, sustained effort on my part.

In the movies, it would take no more than a heart-cockle-warming montage for me to suddenly appreciate the time we have had together and finally realize that she is the girl of my dreams. If only I were charming enough to be an actor!

(Abangan ang susunod na kabanata.)

Collecting my thoughts.

NOTE: Unfinished essay coming right up. Been sitting on it for a while, thought I'd put it up for comments to get some more ideas about continuing it. Read if interested, comment if you read. Tried best to make it clear, but perhaps it's become dull (if the concept weren't dull in the first place)? Here we go.

***

(Paul Graham writes that essays, for him, are means of getting closer to the truth. They need not have definite, final conclusions, but they (or at least the good ones) should always represent at least some progress. I would like to begin this essay in that spirit.)


I am twenty years old. I am in my fifth and final year of taking up an undergraduate degree in physics at the University of the Philippines Diliman. Perhaps not surprisingly, I have no clearly formed idea of what I want to be doing once I finish college.


Physics, the academe, and research

One of the most logical paths to take would be to try and get into a university abroad, to continue my studies. This makes sense because, for one thing, unlike the BS Applied Physics program, which is designed to enable graduates to enter industrial or interdisciplinary careers, the BS Physics program is specifically designed to prepare students for an eventual career in the academe. For another thing, I am not averse to the academic life, and indeed I can see myself enjoying the intellectual exertions, not to mention the relative freedom that it can afford.

However, I am not entirely convinced that I am in the right field. Sure, one might argue that my magna cum laude standing is evidence enough that I have the potential to do fairly well in this field. But I still feel that there's something lacking; doing research and thinking within a physicist's mindset does not come naturally to me. Coursework such as exams and problem sets are challenges that I feel ready and willing enough to tackle, but so far, despite two years of being a member of the Theoretical Physics (research) Group, I still do not seem to have gained any sort of grasp upon the pursuit that is independent research.

Perhaps I feel ill at ease only in comparison with a number of people whom I've met within the Theoretical Physics Group (TPG or Theory from here on). These people are genuinely interested in their work, and can dredge up a seemingly endless amount of enthusiasm and drive. Hearing them talk and seeing how comfortable they feel doing what they do makes me feel like nothing more than an outsider, an imposter among true devotees. It's but a small comfort to realize that surely a good percentage of my batchmates feel the same way.

I don't have much choice but to get myself to do my best, of course, if I am to finish my thesis with any degree of pride. If I don't adequately resolve these hangups soon, there's the chance that the past four years will turn out to be a huge waste of time, academically speaking. I believe the solution would be to just go ahead and start working harder to get used to it, which is easy to say but difficult to actually do.


Love

One always hears it said that we should be doing what we love. The hard part seems to lie in finding out what exactly it is that one loves. I can't say that I love physics, at least not at this point. I don't hate it, it doesn't hate me, but there just doesn't seem to be any significant spark. Now I do realize that it just wouldn't work to just wait for the world to click things into place for me, so I'm not discounting the possibility that I may still fall in love with physics.

It actually has one thing going in its favor: I'm not really doing anything else! I've fallen into the common trap of considering myself as primarily a student, of letting myself be defined by my occupation. I call the inevitable attachment to and identification with habitual roles or activities a trap only when it happens without awareness or intent. Enmeshing me further is a certain variety of pride and sense of duty born of a lifetime of acute grade-consciousness that ensures constant attention to, if not always excellent performance at schoolwork.

I do realize that I am quite justified in being more or less fully preoccupied with my responsibilities as a student, seeing as how working on my undergraduate degree is my biggest endeavor at the moment. Despite this, I think that I should not be neglecting the other aspects of my life, and in particular that I should also be cultivating any other interests, which may branch out into other career options. After all, I might have already met the love of my life; it might just be waiting for me to show it more affection - to prove that I am capable of a deeper commitment.

I am talking of course about my only other major, lasting preoccupation.


Writing

I can remember setting out to write a novel as a young boy in grade school, my writerly instincts stirred no doubt by all the science fiction - grand, exciting, fantastic - I had begun consuming. The attempt didn't amount to anything but a few pages of scribbles and clumsy illustrations, but the damage had been done and up to now, during unguarded moments, I may be caught fancying myself a writer.

The rest of grade school as well as high school passed with barely any blips on the writing radar. With no angst-ridden poetry, no competitions, or even any newsletter positions or submissions, the tendencies lay dormant.

I did start a blog near the end of high school, which marked, I believe, a milestone of sorts. The whole blogging experience has been formative and instructional, no question about it. It's what, nearly single-handedly, kept writing alive for me, even just barely. It's why I'm here right now, trying to figure myself out through this essay. Blogging also proved instrumental to making my current relationship possible, which apart from revealing how geeky we are, also shows how much it has affected my life.

I've tried my hand at non-fiction, mostly journalling, at fiction, and at poetry. Of the three, I seem to find so-called creative non-fiction to be the easiest to write, followed by poetry, followed by what I've found to be the most difficult, fiction. To be more precise, I find it rather difficult - or in fact impossible - to come up with a complete, satisfactorily-resolved piece of fiction. Essays I can manage to close, and poems, but apart from a few excusably vague short pieces, my fiction has never quite formed a complete story.

I've always been interested in writing for various reasons: self-expression, a fascination with precision of meaning or mood, as an aid in contemplation. The little I've written so far vary in quality, with a few pieces worthy of a kind comment and acknowledgment of potential mixed with less remarkable fare. And as I mentioned above, it's been a constant, if inactive at times, interest of mine.

(End of Part I)

Oh, I forgot:

Very trippy optical illusion that actually works. Go here, then search for "vision distorter (v2.0)".

That illusion, among the others on the page, made me quite dizzy late last night. So, yeah, don't overdo it!

StumbleUpon

Anybody else use StumbleUpon? Been trying it out lately, and last night I stayed up too late for the first time in a long while. I think it's a really great concept, allowing one to put the internet on "shuffle", so to speak, in a way that makes sense.

Some finds:

Paul Graham's speech intended for high school graduates. Good advice, if a bit commonsensical to people past a certain degree of maturity. His other essays are good reads, as well.

Dirty car art.

Squashed philosophers.

Jackson Pollock applet.

Online etymology dictionary.

And so on!

Virtual gut-spilling. (another meme stolen from Racine)

Ask me anything (e.g., that something you've always been wondering about me, or just some other question you've always been meaning to ask but somehow have never gotten around to), and I'll give it to you as straight as I can. Just send me a PM either through Multiply or LJ or email me at [my username]@gmail.com, and I'll reply via the same route.

Tutoring at the UPSCA CEER

i.e., college entrance examination review. I'm not sure exactly how we came to be helping UPSCA out with this yearly event, but this is now the second year of Ex Libris UP sending a few of its members over.

For today it was Aragorn, Jeanne, and I who went to Payatas High School (oh, but it's called Justice Someone-or-Other High School now). Met up at around 11:30 at McDo Philcoa, took two jeeps to the place, arrived there shortly after noon.

Since we arrived an hour before the classes we were going to be teaching (Physics) were set to start, we were able to listen in to a short processing meeting where the tutors of the morning sessions (Chemistry) were sharing their experiences, comments, and insights.

The main problem, as we would find out for ourselves, was lack of time. With at least a year's worth of material to cover for each subject area, three hours just weren't enough. With exceptional students, of course, that amount of time might suffice, but not every student can be exceptional.

In any case, we found ourselves starting teaching after a little while. Aragorn ended up getting to handle the "cream" or "honor" section of only about fifteen students; I got a regular section of about thirty. Jeanne, well, she stayed to observe at my class, haha. (She ended up taking attendance, taking pictures, and butting in on my discussion only rarely.)

I only covered vectors (but not vector addition, which in hindsight is a pretty stupid thing to skip), kinematics (i.e., basic concepts regarding motion, 1-D and 2-D kinematic equations, interpreting a-t, v-t, x-t graphs, etc.), and a brief hurried tour of Newton's Laws and momentum conservation. May not seem like much, but I extended over the three hour limit for about twenty minutes.

The students were lively but not disrespectful. It was a little frustrating at times how I had to slow the pace down, but it couldn't have been helped, since they've only begun to tackle physics this school year. The session wasn't exactly wrinkle-free, but I believe I managed to adequately explain further all the things they seemed to have trouble with.

All in all, I enjoyed the experience, despite my throat hurting by the end of the session, unaccustomed to speaking as I am. Perhaps I enjoy explaining things that I understand well to others (and I may be good at it, too, or at least Jeanne thinks so and says that, bias aside, she did hear the odd murmur or ahhh of understanding). Maybe I do have some appreciation for kids, after all (well, they were in fourth year high school, but still).

I don't know, but I think I'll be coming back to tutor again. We'll see.

But don't you worry, there's no hurry.

Today* in food:

Cafe americano, tiny cookie (came with the coffee), tableya cake;

Gamberi (mmm smoky spicy prawns), eggplant parmigiana, onion rings, bottomless iced tea;

Pastillas (pocket-squished, crumbly);

Pizza (four-cheese, roasted garlic and shrimp, anchovy lovers), ice cream cake (blueberry cheesecake), warm chocolate float (cream, ice cream, chocolate, quite thick)**;

Spaghetti (home-style), ice cream (fruit salad), cake (coffee crunch).



**I got a small stuffed cow from Five Cows, where we had ice cream cake and the chocolate float. Its name is Tard. Too lazy to get a proper picture right now, but here is an approximation, which does not really show off his 'tardation much.


*Happy birthday, Racine! Happy birthday, me!

So we're twenty now, huh? Imagine that. Here's to moving inexorably toward the ever uncertain future, birthday-mate!

Current obsessions

1. Grenville Kleiser's Fifteen Thousand Useful Phrases [Gutenberg etext].

"The abuse of phrases and the misuse of words rife among us can be checked by diligent exercises in good English, such as this book provides. These exercises... will serve to correct careless diction and slovenly speech... for, after all, accuracy in the use of words is more a matter of habit than of theory..."


2. Howjsay.com, an English pronouncing dictionary. Quite the useful companion to #1.


3. DotA Allstars 6.51 AI+ 1.52. This game saw me through the previous month of having been disconnected from the Internet. I don't think I'll ever spend enough time playing DotA again to become a decent player against other people, but the AI bots provide just enough resistance for the game to still be fun.


4. ...and that's it for specific obsessions. Senior year, as one could imagine, almost forces one to revisit the old issues (never satisfactorily resolved, but which had been shunted aside by more immediate concerns): self-worth, identity, value system creation (discovery?), social awareness, career choice, work, money, independence, the future, and so on.

And the dreaded thesis, of course. *deep breath*

A Day in the Life (June 14, 2008) (subtitle: Back, with a Vainjance)

A Day in the Life (June 14, 2008)

This day was spent trying to find our way around Makati to visit new places.

The day's first stop was to be the Goethe (i.e., German culture and
language) Institute, located in Adamson Centre, L.P. Leviste (or
similar, not too sure about this) St., Salcedo Village Makati, where
Jeanne wanted to look for resources for her upcoming thesis. Thanks to
my one week of training at the Siemens building in the same village, I
managed to get us to H.V. de la Costa St. (incidentally where RCBC
Plaza is also located), which Jeanne knew intersected Leviste St.
somewhere.

It did, but it turned out to be quite a long walk (de la Costa was a
long street, and Leviste was nearer the other end). Nothing remarkable
about the walk, just a fairly long one following the road. We got to
the Adamson Centre just as we were beginning to lose hope of ever
finding it.

A small building, it was perhaps a couple of decades old; the
elevators were tiny affairs with decidedly vintage buttons and
displays. We went straight to the fourth floor (the Institute occupied
the fourth and fifth) and were greeted immediately by the library.
Frankly, it was smaller than we expected, but Jeanne did find enough
worthwhile books to decide to avail of a membership. Since there were
no tables for casual, walk-in browsers, we were finished with the
place earlier than we expected, at just 9 am, an hour after we had met
up that morning.

Then there was more walking as we tried to find our way back to Ayala
Avenue, or just EDSA in general. Followed de la Costa to its other end
to arrive at Makati Ave., and then shortly after we were at the
intersection of Makati Ave. and Gil Puyat. Spotting a Gloria Jean's
nearby, we stopped for an iced cappuccino break (their iced
cappuccinos in particular are really good, we almost never have iced
cappuccinos elsewhere), during which a tourism brochure I'd grabbed
somewhat randomly from LTO when I applied for a student permit
suddenly proved its worth, as on its back it had a street map of most
of Metro Manila. Took the appropriate jeep to the Guadalupe MRT
station (consulting the map convinced us of this fact, but to be
honest we could've found out the same thing just by paying attention
to the jeepney signs).

The next stop was actually still in Makati, this reportedly authentic
Japanese restaurant called Seryna, somewhere near Makati Cinema
Square. We took the MRT to Magallanes, since we had seen jeeps going
to Makati Square from there, and soon we were on just such a jeepney.
Somehow we ended up taking the jeepney to the end of its route,
marvelling at the metamorphosis from Makati-CBD (clean, gleaming,
Ayala turf) to Makati-outskirts (cramped, dirty, Manila-like), but
completely missing our destination; I heard Jeanne distinctly ask the
driver if the jeep passed by Makati Cinema Square, but apparently the
driver didn't take the initiative of actually telling us when we had
passed by. (Incidentally, in a development that made us feel like we
were just going in circles, we passed Gil Puyat Avenue somewhere along
the way, as we traversed Pasong Tamo/Chino Roces Ave., which seem to
be the same street just like Buendia/Gil Puyat, but I'm not entirely
sure.)

Got on another jeep, making sure this time to tell the driver clearly
to drop us off at Makati Square. Now, we had been on the lookout on
the way here from Magallanes, but we did not notice any signs saying
Makati Cinema Square, and the closest thing (it seemed) to our
destination that we spotted was an area called Little Tokyo (which did
have an authentic Japanese atmosphere). And, yes, it turned out that
our destination was nearer to Magallanes than the other end of the
jeepney route, and, yes, Makati Cinema Square was right next to Little
Tokyo. We hadn't spotted it because it was a Plaza Fair now, with no
traces of what it used to be called.

Plaza Fair was something like Ever Gotesco, tired-looking and with
sections seemingly stuck a decade in the past. We were not following
any real directions, just a vague statement about the restaurant being
hidden somewhere in the back of Makati Cinema Square (we found out
about this place, or, Jeanne found out about the place from this
blogger called Daphne with whom I'm personally not acquainted, who
posted these gorgeous pictures of their food, a gorgeworthy spread,
literally, with dishes and side dishes aplenty, and for a reasonable
price, she says). So we had to do a bit of wandering around before
hitting upon the place, and not a moment too soon, as we were famished
by then. A quick ATM trip, then we were in, as fast as the chorus of
idle waitresses could greet us irrashaimase.

From the moment we stepped in we realized that we were way out of our
depth, and I couldn't shake the feeling that everyone was wondering,
just as we were, what exactly we were doing at Seryna. From outside
Seryna didn't look like much, in fact if anything it looked like an
aging restaurant past its heyday, but inside it was very much still
alive: professional, authoritative, and
expertly-(lovingly-)maintained

. The service was attentive, the
interior architecture was interesting, the lighting well-coordinated,
and basically I guess I would say that no detail, however small, was
overlooked (the only concession to Filipino culture I could find was a
small Sto. Nino by the cashier, and that was right under two
unquestionably Japanese theater masks).

We were led to a table right beside an open bar-like area where the
Japanese head chef and his assistants were peeling and slicing
vegetables, selecting and filleting fish, and preparing various dishes
and bento boxes, just before the lunch crowd arrived. If I recall
correctly, it was just about 11 am when we went in. The tables were
mostly empty, and the other customers that were there were mostly
Japanese, so despite the relaxing instrumental music which issued,
low-key, from hidden speakers, our feeling of unease remained.

We were handed a wet towel (we wiped our hands dutifully) and a one
page menu (which we mostly did not understand) each. There were just
two categories on the menu, gozen and bento, with the first one
consisting of such things as sashimi gozen, sukiyaki gozen, and
katsudon (or was it tonkatsu?) gozen, and the second one just having
one item under it. Too timid to ask too many questions, we went with a
sashimi gozen and the sole bento option, makenouchi (not too sure
about this one) bento, which we were told served one person each. And
could we just have water please, thank you (arigato?).

While waiting for the food, we just looked around and tried not to
feel so tense. Admittedly, there was something creepy about the
synchronized welcoming greetings every time a customer would enter;
Jeanne said it was as if they were hiding a monster in the bathroom,
while I tried to put it down to cultural differences. Conversation was
halting, with pauses for looking at each other sheepishly, as if to
confirm that we were both feeling more than a little out of place. We
sipped our water, watched the staff in action behind the bar, and
waited for our lunch.

Our food arrived: two bowls of miso soup; two huge bento boxes both
containing the same three kinds of sashimi on a bed of some stringy,
vaguely rubber-tasting vegetable that might have been shredded radish,
a sort of salad with shredded cabbage, a tomato wedge and cucumber
slices drizzled with lovely Japanese mayo, an odd side dish that could
have been black mushrooms sliced into thin strips with dried fish
flakes, and a few slices of yellow, strongly-flavored pickled
we're-not-sure-what-fruit-or-vegetable-it-is; and two plates with two
orange slices on each. In addition, the bento set (Jeanne's,
incidentally, and also the more expensive one) came with a separate
bowl of steamed rice, had a piece each of shrimp tempura, squid
tempura, bell pepper tempura, and fish tempura along with of course
tempura sauce and some spicy radish, as well as a grilled or barbecued
piece of tuna or salmon which I'm guessing was teppanyaki which came
with a few slices of sweetened fried egg. The sashimi gozen set
(mine), on the other hand, had a compartment for the rice instead of a
separate bowl, as well as a piece of fried chicken (which tasted a bit
like Shakey's chicken, to me). Breaking our chopsticks, we set
ourselves to the task of finishing our lunch.

As we were eating, more customers began to trickle in, until the place
almost filled up. Some customers would sit at the bar and greet the
head chef in a familiar way, and the chef would bark at the nearest
waitress to hurry with the customers' usual orders (in Japanese, which
we did not understand, but the meaning was pretty clear from context).
A sneaking suspicion that there were things that could be ordered that
weren't listed on the menu grew within both of us.

The sashimi was fresh, clean-tasting, and had a very pleasing texture.
The tuna and salmon sashimi were somewhat old hat, as we'd both tried
them before at some point in other establishments. The third sashimi
was stranger. Cut into strips smaller than the usual sashimi portion
size and lightly scored crosswise, it was white and much firmer than
one would expect fish to be. Biting into it and chewing it can best be
described as biting into and chewing very firm squid meat that had
somehow been rendered fatty, an altogether odd but pleasant
experience. Our guesses as to its identity: blowfish? sea urchin?
octopus?

The tempura was great; my only complaint is that they did not include
a piece of eggplant tempura. The grilled fish and the fried chicken
were good, if unadventurous. The most unfamiliar foods of the bunch
were the black-strips side dish (as I try to remember it now, the
closest comparison for taste and texture I can think of is shredded
puso ng saging but a little softer), the yellow pickle slices (which I
had to finish off because they were too strong for Jeanne) and the
strange white sashimi I'd already described.
The meal we had could very well have been worth it (with its
relatively hefty price tag), but I'd say only for Japanese people and
Japanese cuisine enthusiasts, who would better be able to appreciate
its authenticity. As for the two of us, the entire experience was
strange and interesting enough that we didn't feel too much like we
got a bad bargain.

Then it was back on a jeep to the MRT, and the MRT to Shaw, since we
were planning to catch the free French Film Festival at Shangri-La.
The film we wanted to see, entitled Clean and starring Maggie Cheung
(oddly enough), wasn't due to start until 3 pm, so we had time to look
around.

Sniffed the stuff at LUSH (which I've always wanted to try but have
also always found scandalously expensive), looked at a Powerdance
photography exhibit, strolled around the Rustan's supermarket (which
is a valid recreational activity for the two of us), had fruit tarts
at Le Coeur de France (which, unfortunately, weren't as good as they
used to be, which is perhaps why they were among the buy one take one
items), and finally picked up a biggie iced tea from Wendy's before
proceeding to the cinema to line up.

We got our free tickets from the ticket counter, and promptly found
out there that we weren't allowed to bring food and drinks not bought
from the cinema concessionaire into the theaters. We finished our iced
tea much faster than I expected we could and went into the cinema.

The movie was interesting in that way European films usually are, with
their (arguably) more refined (or at least different) sensibilities,
refusal to indulge in melodrama, and in general their more polished,
accomplished feel. It didn't hurt that Maggie Cheung had such an
arresting presence, either. (Just how old is she, anyway?) Clean is a
good movie, though I should warn you, both of us found it a bit of a
downer.

The MRT back north was cramped enough that we had to wait for a few
trains to pass by before we could work up the necessary determination
to squeeze ourselves in. From this point forward, we were back on
familiar ground; succeeding happenings have already blended themselves
with countless similar ones of the past, and it would hardly be
interesting or worthwhile to try and dig these particular ones up.
Suffice it to say that we must've hung around the food court for a
while, probably having some sort of dinner there as well before going
home.

(Whew, that took longer than I expected. I would've gotten this
uploaded sooner, but the Internet connection at home only got fixed - finally! - today.)