On self-expression.

I suppose it's fair enough to start where (I imagine) every writer starts. Take a pick to the walls of the self, excavate and roughly polish every rock with the slightest potential to be a gem. Hone self-awareness without self-consciousness, if you get my drift. Everything's an autobiography.

This holds a certain undeniable appeal. After all, why do I want to write? Why have I, half-heartedly and sporadically maybe, but to the extent of my capacity for persistence, continued to try? Because as a reader, I know how it is to get in touch with another mind. And I can see how, as a writer, there exists the dizzying possibility of reaching out and connecting. Of performing, perhaps in the only realistic sense, telepathy. My thoughts, if I'm good enough, can become yours.

The challenge lies, then, in making my self seem just a little more interesting than your self. At least for the little while that we're together. Truthfully, sometimes, it's hard to convince even myself of this necessary conceit. But things go on, moods change, and the words eventually - thankfully - come.

So, sigh, yes. Self-expression. I've always felt that term to be vaguely distasteful. But, nevertheless, it is a relatively easy default mode that provides adequate practice as I strive for greater precision of language.

Isn't it good?

I finished re-reading Norwegian Wood today. I am still feeling the familiar ache and sense of loss at having to leave Murakami's story, at having to go back to continuing to slap together my own personal narrative.

Norwegian Wood is perhaps one of the simplest of his novels. It's essentially a coming-of-age love story, set in Tokyo in the late sixties. Of course it's by no means "just" a love story - his typical humor, penchant for the metaphysical, and cool, smooth style are all still there.

(I am reading Murakami again as research for an essay about him I'm working on for a local newspaper contest. Not much to say about it, except that I'm now wondering how to fit a substantial review of his work in just over a thousand words.

I found myself re-reading with greater awareness, paying greater attention to my experience. Of course, since I am trying to put into my own words why I've fallen in love with Murakami's work.)

He's a natural storyteller, with an impeccable grasp of rhythm and timing.

His protagonists are admirably self-aware, articulate, and empathetic. Much more so than I am or have ever been, although, I hope, not too much more than I can hope to be. This is what makes them so compelling and likeable, to my mind.

I am at a loss as to expressing the emotional affect the book (and Murakami in general) has on me. I am beginning to have the suspicion that this is exactly what I need to focus on for that essay. Hrm.

But to take a stab at it, it's a combination of how strongly I identify with his pensive, solitary first person narrator, the lulling "natural-ness" of the prose/ stream of consciousness or its quality of being "in rhythm", and the melancholy permeating the fabric and every thread of the story.

On the other hand, perhaps because of the subtle humor throughout, I came away from Norwegian Wood, as from most of Murakami's other novels and stories, with a not-insignificant feeling of, I don't know if this is the exact word, hope.

Keepin' on keepin' on

It took too long, I think, but nonetheless, I managed to finish the first draft of an essay on Murakami (for submission to this newspaper contest) today. I'll edit it later this week, but just to note down some initial thoughts on revision: needs cohesion, could probably stand trimming/refocusing, the introductory part needs to be reworked.

There isn't much else to report, sadly. Still keeping up with my workout routine, still doing great at squats but not very well at situps and pushups.

Still no news on possible employment; I'm following this up tomorrow, it's been a week! (I'm beginning to get more worried that I shouldn't just be waiting on this single opportunity, but instead also actively seeking others. Meh.)

It seems I've simply fallen into a slightly different rut. Sure, I'm exercising, but that's pretty much it. Good thing I've come up with this essay project or else I might not be doing anything else productive at all.

I think I'll do a more thorough state of the Momeng address later tonight, or tomorrow. Allowing self to be distracted for a while.

Journal Entry Number Five

Sociable-ness (or, okay, read this first)

I just realized that it might seem weird to people that I'm rather... inconsistent about how sociable I'm willing to be. I always get the feeling that people are surprised whenever I seem willing to talk for more than a few words at a time.

Introverts like me sometimes just need to withdraw from the world for a while, but we'll be ready again eventually. We have some fun times together, right? So if the quiet spots begin to disturb you, hang on to the fun times. There could be more fun times in store for everyone, including (especially) you and me!

We are all friends. Even if I seem a bit out of it sometimes, I know, it's (I'm) kind of awkward, sorry. If you're my friend, you should know how awkward I can get, haha.

(Okay, I'll go withdraw for a bit now. Stay available, friends. But first, the rest of this entry!)



Expenses, coffee

It's been a bit of a spendy week, haha. Over the span of a few days, we had lunch at Sbarro, dinner at A Veneto, coffee and cake at Chocolat, coffee and donuts at Dunkin Donuts, coffee at Mister Donut (twice, once with donuts). Hah.

Well, Dunkin Donuts does have (surprisingly) good coffee, and pretty cheap too, at thirty pesos for a big cup. Mister Donut also has good coffe. (at least the one at Trinoma) at twenty five pesos (regular size), and an option to add vanilla, choco mint, or hazelnut syrup for ten pesos more. We've only tried the French vanilla, and it seemed to be worth it, more or less; it basically neutralized that slightly bitter coffee aftertaste without masking the coffee flavor.

We've been drinking our coffee without sugar or creamer or anything else, and Zafra's right, that's the only way you can really taste your coffee. (Although I admit I sometimes am partial to Nescafe's 3-in-1, haha. Great for rainy days.)

Coffee tends to make us more talkative, at least sometimes. But, for me at least, after the initial burst of energy, eventually I get sleepier than I would've been without the coffee. Also, coffee is no good when it's not hot anymore. Ick.

Anyway, yes, coffee: I love the smell, the heat, the taste... how it feels against the insides of my body. MMMMM



ANYWAY, now let's talk about something else

Hmm, well, I've been reading Murakami again. I guess I'm just not used to reading him in shorter forms than novels, but at times I find myself looking for something more than just these brief excursions into different (yet familiar) lives. (i.e., minsan, nakakabitin!)

Perhaps it's the deceptive simplicity of his stories (and his writing style in general), but reading him I feel as if it wouldn't be that hard to get writing again. Hah. Right.

In any case I've been meaning to try my hand at writing something again, but nothing's actually been happening yet. Either I'm too busy, or too lazy, or too, I don't know, dull, like an unused knife (that was never the sharpest in the drawer in the first place, although it did manage to cut those tomatoes from time to time).



Plans

Well, it's only a year and a half or so to graduation. Like I said before, someone's already told me to start making plans if I want to pursue my studies elsewhere immediately after graduating.

And it does seem to make sense. So far, I've been looking at universities in Germany, for reasons that should be obvious. (Sausages and beer, mmm-mmm.) It seems that higher education in Germany is generally good, and that it would be easy to get into the country as a student.

But, well, I have no idea yet how to start preparing. Except for, perhaps, starting on the paperwork for a passport? I do not have one yet.

I'm not sure if my parents'll trust me enough to let me go off on my own yet, anyway. Perhaps I should prove myself independent and capable of taking care of myself?

(Now how am I supposed to do that?)

Journal Entry Number Four

Today's notes

Today, I applied for Bayantel DSL, but apparently I have to wait and see if they'll be able to allocate facilities for me. Something to do with the area my house is in not yet being heavily covered by their services, I suppose. PLDT DSL is always possible, but I'd rather make that the last, fall-back option.

Lunch was at Sbarro. We seem to be frequenting this restaurant more than any other at SM North. We seem to think that it has a good balance between quality, price, and portion size.

Then we had coffee and cake at Chocolat. Pretty nice. Business seems to be picking up for them - the five or so tables they had were all occupied when we left. I suppose it's partly because it is a holiday today.

Then wandered around a bit at Trinoma. I remarked that I hadn't bought a book in a while, and fortuitously when we passed by Powerbooks they had a sale going on: 20% off on most items! Got Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman by Murakami. I would've gotten a graphic novel or something equally more expensive (to increase the discount, of course), but their graphic novel section was sadly lacking. (Fully Booked nearby (at SM) has a much better comics and graphic novel section.)

Realized that we indeed do spend quite a lot, when we hang out at malls. Considered cutting back a bit, but rationalized, hey, we were each earning a bit extra on side jobs, anyway, so what the heck. (And, well, we have begun saving up monthly for no particular reason. So why deny ourselves these little consumer comforts?)



Late hate

I hate being late. This is why I've stopped hitching a ride in the mornings with my brother, haha. They're too easily delayed, and a few minutes in the morning counts for a lot in terms of avoiding the morning rush.

I was going to meet Jeanne at 11 am, and by 10:30 I was set to leave, but then it seemed that my family was also going out anyway, so I waited, and so I did, and it stretched out until it was 11:30 and I ended up being an hour late. Aha.

If ever I somehow become in charge of a family, I'll be sure to instill in them a respect for punctuality. (Although I suppose it's naturally harder to get a group of people ready to leave than it is to get ready by myself, but still I think I do still have a point. Yes.)



Requisite rambling section

So it's back to the normal daily grind tomorrow. (Well, not exactly, as it so happens that our lab class tomorrow won't be meeting. But still.)

I don't know. I haven't been able to use the sudden many days of no classes properly, but neither has anyone else, I'd expect. Yay all of us!

I think I'm ready to try my hand at creative writing again. Blogging is well and good, but all this journaling is getting too much. But I don't know what to try to write - after all this time, I still don't know how my creative process really works. (Aha, as if it does, cue sting - i.e., *badum TSH*!)